I lied...the blogging may very well continue

I said that my last blog would be my absolute last blog, well...I lied. Here comes the wrap up:

Thoughts on coming home.....

The plane ride back into LA depressed me. I desended from the clouds and saw a mesh of greys and browns. There was no lovely green to come home to. That as well as leaving my love, Ben, behind made me not want to be coming home. :(

When I walked into the house...it felt different..it didn't feel like home. I miss home farm and the creaky doors and the way the temperature is not too cold not too hot inside and everything really. I walked around the house for a bit in disillusion. I had to rediscover my house and my room like it was a romm I had never enterted before and I have to look at everything and take it all in. I miss home farm. It's become home to me.

I stayed up until 10:30 last night doing things to wrap up the trip--editing and saving pictures, washing clothes, unpacking, checking mail and e-mail, etc. And I'm STILL doing stuff to come down and get organized after my trip. I honestly miss not having to worry about everything but the silly stuff and now all the responsibility and the big descision making is towering above me and I just want to go back to England and be happy.

It's not just the vacation factor. I can honestly see myself living in a small town in the midlands, somewhere with local shosp and some larger commercial shops but with countryside all around. A bit llike home, except more green and I'd be in England where the customs and everyday life situations of going to the grocery store excite me to live there. And with Ben by my side--it's my perfect picture.

I miss Ben. I miss England. I miss the life. I want to work and live and be happy there, but right now I just don't have the means. :(

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I've been up since about 2:30am and it's now 8:30am. My body rejected me when I woke up. I got a charlie-horse in my left calf and it hurt SO much...I had never had one before. And the staying up bit, well....I'm on an English Living Schedule, which I wouldn't mind so much if I could speak with Ben while it's still day with him and he doesn't have work. :( But alas....no luck.

I'm running errands in a few hours....until then I have more packing and such to do and more thinking to do about my future. I've even thought about going to Uni in Reading or Newcastle or something so I can be closer to the land and the boy I love, but I'm not sure how much that'll cost and if I have that money to spend. :( anyway...time will tell and it's an uphill battle and struggle to make a life for myself.
-JM