The paat few months have been rough. Ive been keeping a journal to help with my anxiety and depression. These are just a few of the pages from the paat 2 months. An insight, unfiltered into my mind.....
Friday, September 3, 2021
Sunday, July 4, 2021
I'm a very open person, but this is something that I'm just coming to terms with and its a lot easier to collect my thoughts over a period of time and put into a blog than it is to tell a story to someone face to face. My brain is in a heavy fog, I suffer from small tremors in my hands when I talk about it, but I'm currently constantly reminded of my misfortune (because of the physical effects) multiple times a day so I'm forced to face it.
I am supposed to be 13 weeks pregnant by now, but I had a miscarriage.
This is something that is seen as an awful, taboo subject, but I feel like in order to heal from what I've gone through I need to talk about it. First thing I will say is that I knew it was a common occurrence to miscarry a baby. In fact, most people wait until after the 12/13 week mark to tell people about the pregnancy because the likelihood of miscarrying is so high in the first trimester. I just didn't realise how common it is: 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage.
For something that happens with those kind of odds, It's a wonder there aren't more people talking about it. I know it's a horrible event to go through both physically and mentally, but I hate the idea of suffering in silence, because no one talks about it. I didn't realize that so many women close to me have suffered the pain of loss from a miscarriage, not until I talked to them about it. Just like Postpartum Depression is a medical condition where support is openly available and encouraged to talk about if it does happen to you, I feel Miscarriages need to be treated the same way & have the same support/resources available (just in ca...not talked about in hushed tones after the fact when life spirals out of control.
So this is my story, open and raw.
Last Tuesday I rang my doctor because there was some bleeding going on downstairs, when for a supposed pregnant woman there shouldn't be any. I was referred to A&E to get it checked out since when the doctor rang me it was nearly closing time.
To add insult to injury, at the same time Rob had tested positive for Coronavirus so the whole household was self isolating-Rob in his bedroom, and me and Henry away from him as much as possible in the house. So, going to the hospital I was asked all sorts of questions about having come in contact with anyone who tested positive for Coronavirus (yes) and if I was self isolating (yes). In the end, I was put into a sick bay that was something out of a Virus Disaster Film--zipped shut in my own little bio hazard cubicle--had to have 3 Coronavirus tests done on me, my blood and urine samples taken during triage before I even got to see the on call Gynaecologist.
Three hours in A&E, a visit from the Gyno, midwife, and administrative midwife and it was determined inconclusive, but there was a possibility of a 'Threatened Miscarriage'. Only an Ultrasound would be able to determine the health of the foetus and they couldn't do one in A&E at 11pm at night. I was sent home and told to wait for a call for the soonest Ultrasound appointment available. Next day(Wednesday) I got a call for an ultrasound but the earliest appointment was Friday morning.
I was distraught, worried, anxious. I was working from home that day and found myself unable to concentrate on work because my mind was racing with all manner of thoughts. Why isn't there an appointment sooner? How will they be able to tell from an ultrasound if the baby is okay? What if it's not okay? Was it something I did? Did I fall at some point? Did I eat something I shouldn't? What if it is okay, then why am I bleeding? What if I was never pregnant to begin with? What if the home test I took was a false positive?
An overwhelming sadness took over my body at the thought of having a miscarriage. I found myself staring off into space for who knows how long, before snapping to and realizing that all of this speculative thinking wasn't healthy. I needed a distraction, and starring at a computer screen and waiting for the software to catch up with my clicks was NOT the best way of doing that--it lent itself to too much starring off into space and not enough getting work done. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to be any type of productive with the mood(and life) draining out of me, I took the rest of the week off in hopes that come Friday there would be some better more conclusive news.
When I went in for my appointment, I was told the rundown of how they were going to check for things. I saw a Nurse/midwife practitioner who took my details & medical history. I was so nervous that I kept forgetting basic information of my own information (my doctor/surgery's name, the name of prescriptions I was/had been on, etc). Embarrassed and flustered, I got through that session with the right information in the end, it just took me a little longer to get there.
I waited a bit, then went in for the 1st of 2 scans. The first scan was a normal ultrasound, where your bladder has to be full in order for the ultrasound to bounce the image back to the screen for the technician to see. It wasn't looking good. Not much could be seen because there were dark pockets of blood obscuring the path. I was told to empty my bladder then they would conduct an internal scan where instead of the jelly & scanner on the outside of my pelvis, they stick a wand up me to get a closer look from the womb opening.
The second scan wasn't any better than the first and after having 2 technicians conferring, it was determined that I had a 'Missed Miscarriage'. Even though I was supposed to be 11 weeks along, the foetus measured 7.7mm, which would roughly be the size of a 6 or 7 week old foetus, and the sac was misshapen/not rightly formed. Also, the technician said anything over 7mm they would expect to see the flicker of a heartbeat, but there wasn't one.
I was ushered into a small side room (I suppose it was their 'Grief' room) with a small sofa and armchair facing one another, a box of tissues on a short cabinet, and light/bright walls with 'happy' scenescape art on the walls. I waited, crying & in shock, trying to process what I was told. I knew it was a high probability with everything that had been going on. All signs were pointing to a miscarriage and I was prepared for it (or so I thought), but somehow it just became real when the technicians both said to me "I'm really sorry" and all I could say was "it's okay, it's fine" when I really wanted to articulate, 'It's not your fault for telling me. I'm glad I have an answer, even though it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Thank you.'
It also made it worse being alone with my thoughts and replaying what the technicians said in my head. Mainly, that the foetus was no more than 6/7 weeks, if we were going off of size, which means that for approximately a month, I've had a dead baby residing within me. No wonder I had such horrible morning sickness.
Eventually the Nurse/midwife practitioner who took my details earlier came in and explained in full the diagnosis and next steps:
Natural Management-Where we wait to see if the body expels the tissue etc naturally without intervention.
Medical Management- Where pills/tablets are taken to help encourage the body to expel the material.
Surgical Management- Where the contents of the womb are removed surgically, and there is an option of doing this with a general aesthetic or without.
She told me that I didn't need to make a decision straight away; some ladies know exactly which option they want to take and some want to get over the initial shock and take their time to determine which course of action is best for them. My shock apparently put me in 'fight' mode of the 'fight or flight' theory because my pragmatic side won out and I was able to make a decision right then and there about which option I wanted to take--Medical management. I wanted Them gone. I wanted this dead baby out of me so that I could grieve and move on and it was the only option that I could start that day.
She went through the one-off procedure with me, how it works, what will happen, the side effects, etc. then went to get a doctor to sign off on the medication and came back with 4 small pills, 2 pain pills, and 1 anti sickness pill. I gulped them all at once, swallowing my grief down with it.
I went home, cried to hubby while I told him everything I could remember about what the verdict was, which expelled any energy I had left, so I went upstairs to sleep for most of the afternoon. I could do nothing else that day but lay down and stare off in one direction, thinking, crying, and thinking before letting sleep take over. I had several little catnaps, but then the worst set in in that evening, about 8 hours after the pills were administered to me at the hospital. ((I WARN YOU NOW, the next paragraph is GROSS. Skip to the paragraph after if you cant handle bodily functions)).
First started the cramping. Imagine period cramps mixed with the early onset of labour pains when you start having contractions. This was the way the pills worked, they made the Uterus contract so that the material is encouraged to dislodge and come out. On top of that, the pills also gave you extreme nausea and diarrhoea so at one stage I shat myself before I could walk 3 metres to the bathroom, then proceeded to expel all manner of bodily fluids from both ends as I sat on the toilet and leaned over the sink simultaneously. For the rest of the evening, until about 2am I believe, I was getting up to go to the bathroom constantly to either throw up, poo, or have blood and tissue dripping out of me. When I returned to the bedroom each time, I would still be in so much pain from cramping, retching and straining that i would groan until sleep took over briefly, only to be woken up by the next round of expulsion.
I was in such extreme pain not only physically, but emotionally I was in turmoil as well. It was all the pains of labour, but without the squishy prize of a baby at the end... which somehow made the physical pain so much worse. Luckily that was the worst of it, so by 2ish in the morning I was able to get some sleep with minor aches and pains.
This past week has been a mix of emotions to day the least. The doctor at the clinic signed me off for a week, not only for my emotional wellbeing, but also because it's recommended that women going through Medical or surgical management of a miscarriage be on bedrest or at least take it easy for a week post procedure. The day after I was sad and delusional and just not myself at all. I thought I was going to have days of this where i just stare blankly all day, but it turns out that with the right amount of distraction, I wasn't like that ALL the time.
For the most part I played with Henry, got lost in the story of reading a book, or slept off the emotional and physical exhaustion. There wasn't much I could do to function normally because I just felt sad and drained, but not because of anything that triggered thinking about the circumstances. However, there were triggers that did make me zone out and hubby caught me staring into space quite a few times...
Seeing a new-born baby at the supermarket...
Going to the park with Henry and seeing siblings playing together....
Any mention of pregnant women (i follow some mum groups on Facebook so that is fairly common. I had to snooze those groups for a bit)...
Then there is (still) the reminder every day that my body is getting rid of evidence i was ever pregnant. Every time I have to go to the bathroom, I'm constantly wiping blood and tissue away. This is normal according to the midwife, for a couple of weeks, but its a constant reminder. Its as if when I'm having a good part of the day, I go to the loo and it renews that disheartened feeling I thought I was getting over.
What's worse is that throughout this time, from A&E to the ultrasound, and a day or so after, Rob was isolating, so I pretty much went through this alone, and had to take care of Henry on top of it. Towards the end, I just couldn't cope and I was getting frustrated with Henry because I was so frustrated and depressed about the situation I couldn't take any more. When Rob started feeling the effects of Covid going away, it coincided with when I found out I definitely had a miscarriage(officially). He took over looking after Henry in isolation so I could just be depressed without having to force myself to function. It helped tremendously and that was a tipping point for me moving on from crippling depression(not being able to do anything), to manic depression (doing things out of the norm).
I liken my grief so far to a midlife crisis...the time where drastic changes come into play to renew that youthful feeling of life. For me, I've determined that I'm trying to do everything I can to take advantage of not being pregnant so I'm not as sad. So basically doing all the things that were a pregnancy no no:
- Drinking Alcohol
- Consuming copious amounts of Caffeine
- Gorge myself on soft cheese, deli meats, undercooked meat, sushi, etc
- Dyed my hair
- Enquired about getting a tattoo
- Looked into giving blood again
Monday, June 14, 2021
COVID-19 has gotten everyone in a tizzy. And whether you believe in it or not, that choice is up to every individual. Some people think its a hoax. Other people feel like once they get the vaccine the world will automatically go back to normal. Some dont want the vaccine.
Personally, for me, when i heard about the vaccines, my decision was made. Greater number of people vaccinated, means a greater possibility of Herd Immunity and the sooner things will go back to normal. Now, im not one of those people who thinks it will magically happen overnight, but i know i will do my part in progressing the world back to normal.
When Covid broke out, i didnt think it was going to be as big a deal as it was, but then it reached Pandemic status and it wasnt something i could ignore. Speculation flew around about how "long" it was going to last but i dont think the majority of people would think it was going to last over a year.
I had my suspicions that it was going to last 2 years like previous pandemics and no matter how quickly things seemed to be progressing with a vaccine we were not going to be out of the woods yet. I predict that even with the majority of the population vaccinated, wearing masks, social distancing(to some degree) and obsessive hand washing/sanitizing will become normal for quite a few years.
The first step though-getting vaccinated. The UK government has been doling out vaccines based on critical vulnerability and age, working from oldest to youngest. The time finally came that i got invited to have my vaccine on Friday, so i thought id do a little run down of how it was for me at least in case anyone was curious.
I should say that i originally got a text inviting me to get my vaccine before it looked like my age range group opened up. I snatched that up, but unfortunately the day before my vaccine, i was super ill (unreleated to covid) so i had to cancel my jab. :( sad times. When i felt better i did rebook, and by that time loads of my friends seemed to be getting the text invitation so our age group mustve opened up.
The booking system was really easy to manage. Super easy to cancel and rearrange. And you had the option to book your second jab as well and it showed you only the bookings for the time you needed (with the appropriate number of weeks between each jab).
The day of my appointment it was fairly smooth sailing as well. There was a small queue to get in the building as they were doing a one out, one in type of system. Someone at the door asked some standard questions, then as the queue moved, you took a step into the building. Next step inside the foyer i got checked in with the booking code and verifying person details (name, d.o.b. etc). Another few steps and i was shown to an available station to get the vaccine.
The centre where i got my jab was giving out the Pfizer vaccine, which is actually the one i was hoping id get. When i got inside I was asked a few more standard questions, including if im right or left handed to determine which side i got the jab in(the non dominate side). The shot itself took all of 5 seconds and didnt hurt any more than what youd expect a needle prick to be. I was handed some leaflets, and a timer set for 15 minutes and told to have a seat until that time was up.
Done, dusted. I felt fine straight after. I could barely even see the pinprick of where the needle went in. Later that evening i only noticed the injection site hurt a bit when it was touched because Henry was jumping all over me and putting some serious pressure on my arm. Ouch.
Day after, again no major side effects except feeling stiffness in my arm and being tired.... then again, weve been having a heat wave lately, so it could just have been the sweltering heat tiring me out. All in all I think i had a good experience with the Pfizer vaccine and i am very thankful. Im hoping that the next jab goes just as smoothly.
Saturday, May 1, 2021
Lockdown has taught the world many things, but one affirmation I will always take with me is that Nerds/Geeks/Fanatics will flock together... even if we have to do it virtually.
Saturday, February 27, 2021
I was talking the other day about positive affirmations. I think its a wonderful thing to be able to bolster oneself up by looking in the mirror and saying positive things about one's life. I however cannot for the life of me, stand in a mirror and say things and expect them to be true. I have a very hard time forcing myself to believe in things that i innately think are untrue. And its also hard for me to look at myself, past the flaws that my overly scrutinising self sees to focus on the good things about myself.
I do however have an alternative way of incorporating positive affirmations into my life. Ive always found deep comfort in Lyrics. So alot of songs that i listen to end up becoming my comforting sayings to build myself up. It acts much in the same way i think affirmations do, getting that warm glow or positive feeling to carry on with the day. A motivational trigger that helps one soilder on in the darkest of times or the most mudane of days.
Alot of the times, lyrics become my affirmation after it triggers a feeling within me after a certain event in my life. Sometimes the power of the lyric itself is enough to make it one of my affirmations.
At the worst of times i can be a pretty pessimistic person by default so it takes alot for me to self motivate. The power of music and lyrics helps me spin my attitude into positive thinking and self empowerment.
Just to share some of my lyrical affirmations:
MUSE - Uprising
They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious
HAMILTON(MUSICAL) - My Shot
"Hey yo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy and hungry and I'm not throwin' away my shot...
"The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish I gotta holler just to be heard with every word, I drop knowledge I'm a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal tryna reach my goal my power of speech, unimpeachable...
"I'm past patiently waitin' I'm passionately smashin' every expectation every action's an act of creation..."
JESSI - Drip
Fuckin' wit no bitch
Don't act like you know me
You funny with money honey
Don't act like a poor bitch
I'm sick of all these fakes (Fakes)
I'm sick of all these phonies
They be lame
They be clonin'
Ay, who you think you frontin' on?
All you little kiddies run along
I ain't goin' anywhere
Ah y'all can kiss my derrière
ED SHEERAN -You Need Me, I Dont Need You (Chorus)
You need me man I dont need you
You need me man I dont need you
You need me man I dont need you at all
STARSHIP (A StarKid Musical)
Who wants to be like the rest
And deny the best that I'm meant for?
I will show the status quo,
who cares about normal?
I'll never conform
I will be content to resent the status quo.
I kick down the walls around me
They don't know how strong I am
I'm not defined by boundaries
They could never understand
I'm so much more than status quo
Thursday, January 28, 2021
Nanowrimo has been and gone, so all my writing energy was sucked up in the 30 days of November. I'm proud to report that I have successfully written another Novel, and I went over the target of 50,000 words, AND I still have a sequel to write for next year! Thank goodness for epic fantasy genre stories.
Then the British Nation had to deal with "Lockdown Christmas" which was a bit of a whirlwind. Where we live, we started off December with lighter restrictions for good behaviour--able to go out to Restaurants and shops with social distancing measures-- but then that quickly turned into a bad idea and then the nation as a whole was told nope-no Christmas for anyone. So, in true British fashion everyone complained about not seeing loved ones for Christmas, but then actually felt so comfy indoors that we forgot people outside our four walls even existed for about a 2 week period.
And then January happened...and we're still not out of the woods yet, being put on another National Lockdown for the foreseeable future. So, even though I've been stuck at home, I've kind of been busy with the ever growing restrictions/lockdowns the UK has been under.
Let's face it...I also get so busy I forget I even have a blog. That sums up my life in general, but I certainly feel that way during this past year. Living life in a pandemic is a weird parallel universe where things are the same, yet not the same at all.
Rob, although not been able to go out and do Races, has still been using time at home to go out running.
I've been able to visit a small selection of people this year during the pockets of time where the government allowed socialization and give Henry some sort of 'Normal' example of outside life.
And Henry for the most part has still been able to socialize with kids his age regularly through Nursery.
I was going through my diary and the pictures and videos I had taken throughout 2020 and I could easily count the amount of days that I had been out in a social setting. That made me sad, but I did realise that it was a pandemic year and also I spent the better part of the first 2 months still wrapped up in baby madness and didn't go out except for baby classes and to celebrate my birthday. Then I noted the times that I was just out of the house for ANYTHING where I could be in close proximity to other people (grocery shopping, petrol station, into town, picking Henry up from nursery, going to work, going for a walk etc)....it scares me that I estimated, the amount of days I was 'near people' added up to about 20% of the days in the year. On one hand I'm very depressed that I only got out of the house a 5th of the year, but on the other hand, I'm scared that I LET myself go out for that much while a global pandemic was happening.
Don't get me wrong, we've been safely keeping distance where possible and wearing masks, washing our hands, and trying to be responsible for the most part, but life goes on. I know that when I've been out (however little or however much that is...depending on which mood I'm in), I've been trying to be safe and my sort of way forward is that I'll be continuing safety measures long after the mandate has been lifted by governments.
In my opinion, there are going to be loads of people who refuse a vaccine to COVID-19. There's also the rule that no one under 16 in the UK will be vaccinated so there still will be transmission between households. And at some point 'Herd Immunity' could take hold, but no one knows for certain when that will be. SO I will err on the side of caution and I plan on still distancing and wearing masks and not travelling for a good long while after life 'resumes' again.
I will take small liberties when I feel brave enough to go out when we are allowed, but I shutter at the thought of anything grouping large people together. I've got a concert that was rescheduled to this June and I really hope it gets postponed again because I don't think I'd be able to go that soon after the way things are now. Same with travel. I know loads of people who are planning their next vacation and dreaming of going abroad, but I'm still very hesitant to get on a plane anytime this year. Maybe by 2022 things will look better and my anxiety won't be making warning sounds to my brain.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with this pandemic. I've put them into 4 categories of what I've seen and I think that everyone fluctuates between these four mindsets:
The Overly Cautious--Don't leave the house. Obey the law. Stay at home.
Reasonably Cautious -- Obeys the rules most of the time, but thinks some are down right ridiculous and will do what they want within reason. They're sensible people, who break the rules, but with good rationale.
The Ignorant-- Nothing registers on their radar and they go along in ignorant bliss. Either that or the ones who think Covid is a Hoax, or that the rules don't apply to them
The Rebels-- They know what's going on. They just don't care...because FREEDOM > consideration for health--theirs or anyone elses.
The people I know usually fall between the first 3 categories on different days/different circumstances. Some people fluctuate more than others. I have yet to come across someone personally who fits into the 4th category but I have heard stories of those types of people. I can't say that I understand people's rationale for one extreme or the other.
All I know is what works for me and what I'm comfortable doing. And for me...what I'm comfortable doing is being that mom who sprays all the playground equipment with antibacterial spray and going when no one else is in sight.
Sunday, October 25, 2020
In the beginning I was happy. I found something I loved to do, in a friendly small studio that was reasonably priced and something I could afford to do once or twice a week. My love for aerial grew, the studio grew and that’s where things got more complicated.
The bigger the place, the more classes could be offered, and with the owner being the only one who did admin, lots of mistakes happened. Cash transactions became messy, money misplaced/or services mismarked as unpaid still. Information got misconstrued. Products went missing often, and instead of taking the loss the business owner openly shamed their customers on social media for the missing supplies trying to get to the bottom of it. There is nothing wrong with putting a PSA out on a Facebook page but the wording used was not unlike a ‘name and shame’ tactic. Patrons would be publicly tagged on posts which shamed them into explain that they did pay, stating when and where, all because the admin wasn’t as solid as it could be.
For every little mistake that was made or every poorly worded Facebook post uploaded it still didn’t overpower my love of this place. I ignored the Faux Pas and carried on with life….. that is until the offenses stacked up like Counterbalancing Stones.
The first big stone to be placed in my path of discovery came before I fell pregnant. The studio had to be closed for a month due to maintenance and instead of cancelling/refunding memberships, the proprietor decided to hold workshops the following January and offer 4 workshops—the equivalent cost of a month’s membership-- free to those who were on memberships. Some workshops were held more than once due to popularity, so specific times of workshops were assigned to attendees to prevent overcrowding any one session.
It was a perfect way to arrange a work around for having the studio closed for a month, but still have people pay for their memberships. However, the times of workshops people were set to attend suddenly changed without much notice. Due to me living further away from the studio the time changes on the day made it difficult for me to attend half of them after I had signed up. I was surprised that the miscommunication in time was seen as my fault and that I would not be granted a refund because I was not the only one who had noticed the time changes. Many other students noticed the time change of workshops, it just happens that they were more flexible and could make the new time.
Not only that, but when I attended the 2 workshops I was able to make, I didn’t enjoy them because the instructor/owner had a very aggravated attitude, calling me out in front of the class-publicly shaming me-and it did not make me feel welcome at all. I could not wait to get out of there. I left feeling so belittled.
The encounter left me emotionally shaken enough that for the next 2 days, I avoided the studio because I did not feel comfortable. On the 3rd day, I returned to classes because I had private tuition booked and paid for before my classes that night. I was planning on entering a competition so I really needed to practice, but I still felt awkward and undervalued during this private lesson. At one point I discussed with the tutor my apprehension of putting a particular move in my routine, only to be met with hostility. Private lessons for competition pieces had always been about collaboration and making a routine best suited for the individual competing, but I felt like my concept was taken from me and they were trying to morph it into something THEY wanted, not something I was proud of. It was clear to me that at this point I wasn’t seen as a real person with thoughts and feelings, but I was made to feel like just another number, another potential breadwinner…..someone who was instructed to be the best to bring home another win or an improvement project to be shown as a before and after, and quite frankly, just another source of income.
My confidence really suffered at this point. I didn't feel valued, I felt very out of place by the comments that were made in that private lesson. So, I hit another low point and really didn't feel like I was doing my best because I wasn't able to do what the studio owner wanted for my routine. MY routine! Again I tried to shrug off these feelings of dejection, saying that it was just my social awkwardness/anxiety brain playing tricks on me. I was so blind to the shiny facade of this place that I could not fully put all my experiences together to see the bigger picture of what was going so wrong. I carried on for another month of harboring this slight unease, not knowing why because this was my ‘happy place’. Then I found out I was pregnant and I could no longer take part in classes—so my 1 year sabbatical from Aerial began….but somehow I wasn’t devoid of the drama.
During my Pregnancy: Absence makes the heart grow fonder….or does it?
A work colleague of mine signed up for a 6-week Chair Dancing Course with me that was due to start the week I found out I was pregnant . Regrettably, I couldn’t join her and not that it was my job to, but had I been around I might have been able to cool the situation before it got heated. As it was, I had not been gone from the studio for a month before I was forced to get involved by the owner of the studio. I was called and begged to ‘fight [their] corner’ since it was someone I referred to the studio. This situation put unnecessary stress and worries on me while I was already 3 months pregnant—which FYI is the worst time to be stressed when carrying a child—and it made it appear as if my wellbeing paled in comparison to this owners reputation.
The issue in short was, the description of the course being advertised was recycled verbiage from a specific showcase routine back in 2015 and was not changed to fit the current course description(for the 2019 class). My friend signed up for a class that was not as advertised and wanted a refund. Normally these classes are ‘Non-refundable’ 6-week courses, but seeing as how the course was falsely advertised and totally NOT something my colleague wanted to continue, one would expect a refund or exchange to be given freely, without challenge. That wasn't necessarily the case. Offers to swap courses, insulting a potential customer's mental health, and one mention of calling trading standards later, a refund was finally given. From an objective standpoint, knowing both individuals, I can understand why they said what they said to each other, albeit they didn't communicate that well enough to one another. This does not diminish the fact that there have been several occasions where information was either changed, misinformed, or not as advertised that could seriously get this business into trouble. While I was on the outside looking in, I started to realize that my discomfort wasn't all regarding poor admin mistakes either. The issue with my work colleague opened up a whole 'nother sector of feelings. I felt embarrassed by the studio owner's behaviour. I felt pressured into taking a side. I felt sorry to my colleague that they had to deal with this unfortunate occurrence. It made me feel glad that I didn't have to deal with the studio owner face to face because I probably would never hear the end of it. At this point I still championed the business (sharing links supporting the business online, liking/commenting on the latest IG or FB post, etc) but I was becoming more aware that it was better for my mental health NOT being there. It wasn't really until the drama surrounding the yearly showcase that I really started contemplating whether or not I wanted to go back to the studio post-pregnancy, or if I was better off not involving myself cause I'd only get more upset. But more on that a little later..... Over the months of my maternity, through following the studio online and hearing tales my friends who frequent the studio had told me...it jogged my memory to things that had either happened in the past, or similar such occurrences while I was a regular at the studio. I started thinking retrospectively and came to the conclusion that this business wasn't the happy place I had once claimed it to be.
Mistakes/Past Grievances now realized:
1. EXPLOITATION OF EMOTIONAL PAIN:
The last showcase I was a part of before I left had been a grand affair. Most of the acts were full up with people from each section of aerial discipline, but the studio owner had an idea for the finale act. They posted a facebook message on the group page looking for people who would be willing to take part in a very small (6-8 people) group project....but then they actually tagged a handful of specific people, including myself. The act was to be self-choreographed, with the thorough line of 'This is who I am and I am not ashamed'....to, you guessed it "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman.
At first, I was hesitant to say yes. I loved performing but I already signed up to be in 8 other acts in the show and I wasn't as into the song as other people were. Through speaking with the studio owner I finally relented and said I'd be happy to do it. Later on during the process we all had to write 1 sentence to sum up "This is Me" for the introduction speech for this act. Wordsmith that I am, I thought about it and came up with my 1 sentence, shooting it off to the studio owner via private facebook message. They came back to me and said "can you just tell me about why you wanted to be in this is me then I will write the sentence". Obviously, mine wasn't good enough. It doesn't matter my reason/answer because it was never used in the introduction anyway, but for the record, here's my reasoning: they made me feel so special for singling me out to do this exclusive act that I didn't want to let them down.
Initially, I thought the people tagged by the studio owner were people who liked the song/movie ALOT, or who were like me --people who loved any chance to perform. This may still be the case, but I fear we were singled out for a far bigger reason. This is MASSIVE speculation of course, but i feel it deep down in my bones..... all of us who took part in that act were having our pain exploited in front of an audience of 400 people.
Being backstage, I couldn't really hear the introduction to out act clearly and the adrenaline from the night probably didn't help me focus on exactly what was being said when we were introduced. It was only after the fact, when I was watching the recording of showcase that I actually heard the whole speech before we went on. I'm ashamed to say that the dots didn't connect until after I took my little pregnancy sabbatical from the studio.
I won't quote the whole thing, but it started off with the studio owner being bullied, and how this place is so important to them and so many people who have suffered. Eventually it segwayed into them asking a 'group of particular people to come on stage and share their stories.
"the people in this group have been through alot in their lives, we have someone who lives with a life-shortening debilitating disease, that's Laura who you just met, someone who has dealt with 30 years of addiction of alcohol and drug abuse....someone who has dealt with a traumatic childhood experience and who is dealing with the death of someone extremely close to them. Someone who has had years of domestic abuse and is finally free, someone who has had years of being surrounded by emotional and physical abuse by people close to them, someone who is suffering from years of depression, taking them to the brink of suicide with anxiety and depression along the way.....At [the business] we build each other up....we build their confidence so much that they get themselves onstage to perform in front of 400 strangers."
When I watched the recording of the show back, it clicked in my head...."okay, that's this person they're talking about, that bit is about this person"...and went down the list of the 7 of us. At that time I thought maybe I was the 'one dealing with the death of someone close to them' because my dad was losing his battle with Cancer at the time. In hindsight, I don't think I was noted at all in the little speech because I didn't give the business owner a 'reason' to exploit. I however feel for every person who shared that stage with me because I know some of their stories and it was a clear show of exploitation from the business owner...hey...you have a shit life, but I still turned you into a performer to deal with your pain. And on so many levels that is wrong.
That was the most hurtful, because I empathized with everyone who bore their heart on that stage, not knowing it was just another in the long list of ways of the business showing off their 'cash cows'.
2. NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES
Another thing that clicked during my time off was seeing the business owner for what they really were. Someone who talks a lot of talk, but it's all for show. The sad thing is I honestly can say that this person is a narcissist who doesn't want to be helped. I surmise that's the reason why they disengaged in conversation with me instead of going through with meeting and discussing grievances. It's because they know I will be blunt and point out all their flaws and they're too scared to face them. They would rather fill their space with 'yes men', people who will give them constant praise and attention rather than see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. To me, that's sad but in the end it was their choice and I respect that. So, they didn't want to hear it from me? I guess anyone who reads this blog and rumours going back to the studio will make them hear it from someone else...which is something they abhor anyway. Oh well, you reap what you sow.
All the classic signs of narcissism are there and one of the biggest things that drive them is self preservation. That's clear in the way they make so much money and keep begging for more because they don't want their (presumably) successful business to go under. It's evident in the fact that every trophy that comes back to the studio from a student who places in a competition is actually a win for the business owner. Myself and others who have choreographed routines and collaborated with this instructor to perfect a competition piece have been robbed of our victories and our creativity when they claim the routine as 'theirs'. They will forever be focused on how much they have done for other people like they are god's gift to the world, when in reality they have done as much harm as good in falsely claiming other's victories as their own, among other wrong-doings.
This very small purview of 'me, me, me' doesn't allow much room for other people, and usually the people that are cared about and nurtured are the ones feeding the business(with money and praise) or stroking the owners ego. I've definitely noticed a pattern over the years of people who are deemed 'favorites':
➤People who constantly praise the studio (free advertising, appreciation posts, etc) to a nauseating degree
➤People who spend the most money at the studio (signed up for multiple classes/courses or have a monthly membership, but also hardly miss an opportunity for a photoshoot, workshop, weekend event, private lessons, merch, etc)
➤People who own their own business (because they can 'relate' like no one else can)
➤People who have a special skill the studio owner can utilize (Photography, Graphics/Advertising, business contacts, qualifications, apprentices, etc)
➤People who can act as an example/trophy for the studio owner (improvement projects-aka someone who is low confidence, or weak/overweight, or they have a preexisting medical condition where it appears like they couldn't do things others can. Basically anything that the owner can work on and say 'look, I helped them. this is all my hark work', etc)
➤People who are in the 'Inner Circle', aka personal friends or other loyal instructors
At one time or another (it was off and on but I think the height of it was in 2016 when I was doing ALLOFTHECLASSES & extras) I think I would have been considered a favourite. I spent loads of money, did private lessons, achieved some great things, constantly praised the studio and it's owner. And my benefit was that I was getting paid attention to more, and I was treated with more respect and admiration. I was praised for my achievements...I was encouraged to do more...I felt like more of a friend than a patron of the business. However, all this light suddenly dimmed or was extinguished whenever personal circumstances in my life came into play (when I got into a car accident and couldn't come back to the studio until I healed, when I had to take time off to go visit family, or just when life got to busy that I couldn't devote 3-4 nights a week at the studio anymore).
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times where I felt very valued as a human being by this person...but I can't help but think there was a catch every time. I was at the studio when I got a text from my mom saying that dad had passed away...and the business owner tried to comfort me, and drove me home since I was in such a state of shock. (at that point I think I had fallen back into favor spending copious amounts at the studio, but it was still very appreciated that someone was there for me. Although I question now whether it was genuine, or if it was in self preservation--'look at me, I care ' or 'i don't want someone to die cause they crashed leaving my studio'). I was specifically asked by them to perform my 1st competition piece at the yearly showcase the week after when NO OTHER STUDENT was performing a solo act (only instructors). But again, in hindsight, was I only seen as a cash cow because they could tell from private lessons that I was a winner and they wanted to showcase that achievement (for them..not necessarily for me).
Maybe I'm just being cynical (although that is definitely not my personality type so for me to go down this negative path there must be some validity in it). It begs the question that if there's not something in it for them....do they actually care? Most of the time, they just have a blatant disregard for other people who don't have anything to offer.
The date changing for the 2019 showcase is a good example of this. At the 2018 Showcase, a whole year in advance, the date for the 2019 Showcase at the courtyard was announced to the audience of the show—to the general public. Even though it had been advertised in the public sector, the date was changed and notice was only given on the studio’s Private Facebook Group page only 3 months ahead of the 2019 showcase date. Additionally, it was only posted on the private group, after only spreading by word of mouth at the studio. Someone mentioned that it probably needed to be known to everyone...not just those most in the studio.(I've noticed as well that communication issues happen mostly because information is spread in the studio, and only put online as a PSA afterwards; so, if you don't come into the studio frequently enough you could miss major news).
It was then posted on social media by the business owner that ‘one of the main reasons’ the date for the 2019 showcase changed was in order to fit certain students’ schedules, which is highly unfair seeing as how not only was the date announced to the public, but other ‘less favoured’ students had planned holidays around the date so they wouldn’t get shouted at for missing rehearsals leading up to the show, as this happened in previous years.