There's alot I can't say in a public forum yet (divorce proceedings and all that), but I needed to return to this outlet because lately I've felt so emotional that I can't contain it anymore.
The tradgedy of Empaths is that we feel so intensely and deeply, that it's hard to protect ourselves when that emotion is stored without any way of releasing it. Writting/blogging is one of the ways I release all the built up, undealt with emotions that get stored within me.
Above is a depiction of the horrendous act of being 'Drawn and Quartered'. Emotionally this is where I'm at. It's the most poetic way I can explain my current state without getting into details--I'm being emotionally drawn and quartered.
And on top of all the mental, emotional, cerebral loads I carry, I've also been ill the past 6 weeks. (Side note, this has also contributed to the emtional load...thinking that 'oh lord, do I have COVID?' and blowing through all of my lateral flow tests in an almost daily anxiety feuled panic to make sure I don't and that I'm not spreading it to others while I go about my daily life).
No, I don't have Covid. But for about 3 weeks (without realizing it until it got so bad I sought medical help) I had tonsilitis. 10 days of Antibiotics and I felt better, except I still had a cough, 'Oh well, it must be residual, i should just carry on.' Turns out that although the antibiotics took care of the Tonsilitus, they weren't effective enough to catch a secondary bacterial infection of Sinusitus. I wish I was making this up. I'm not. So, I'm back on antibiotics once again, more widespread ones that can kick it all this time, hopefully.
The reason I'm explaining this, is because as well as having to go through big life descisions and big life changes, my body decides to go on strike and I haven't been able to get a respite between everything I'm going though for quite some time.
The thing that happens when you get sick is you rest, you get better, but when you're a mom, you are expected to run normally like clockwork despite your body failing you. When I'm not trying to keep up with a tantrumous toddler whist being ill, I'm still trying to manage a household, work for a living, and getting my life shit together. When is there time to rest? When is there time to get better? Never...you just have to carry on.
So that is where I am at. I'm being pulled in all different directions and without an outlet I'm going to snap into quarters. And now that I've brain dumped....I'm going to sleep, because when I wake, it starts all over again.
