Saturday, October 10, 2020

Its a Small World after all (Manifesto-Part 1)


One of the hardest things for me to do is keep my mouth shut when there is injustice. Seriously, I once got detention when I was 12 for getting into a physical fight with a bully after she wouldn’t stop tormenting a girl younger than us at school. Was it right to fight verbal violence with physical violence? Probably not. But I couldn’t just stand there and watch while this younger girl was being bullied. I don’t tolerate bullies.


As I got older I learned to hold back my fists and try to talk things out whenever I was faced with a problem. Slowly over time I learned to pick and choose when to speak up about my discomfort in something, and when it just wasn’t worth it to leave well enough alone. For the past 2 years I've had an onslaught of bad interactions with a local business that i used to love. I feel like ive turned a blind eye to some bad business practices, shrugged off some less than desireable conversations and just learned to solider on. For probably longer than two years, I’ve been supressing my thoughts about this establishment, because if I spoke up it would be a futile effort and the outcome wouldn’t be the most desirable.

Do you know those people that just can’t take constructive criticism? That everything you say in trying to help them is seen as a personal attack? For example, a director might tell an actor that they need to enunciate their words better when reciting lines on stage. A good actor would take the note and enunciate their words clearer, while someone else would grumble and moan about it being the director’s fault (bad hearing, etc) for not understanding the words. The business owner I have grievances with is an example of the later and it’s the main reason why I haven’t said anything until now.

To put it even more in perspective, I once complimented this business owner for hiring such an amazing member of staff in regards to a new employee. Instead of feeling pride for their ability to hire the right people that heighten their business, this owner looked offended. It was almost as if they thought I held their new employee in higher regard than I held them and it was completely unacceptable. What was meant to be a complement of their hiring skills was taken as a personal attack.

So when I say that I haven’t spoken up for fear of the backlash, just know this: Even when I mean to compliment them, their narcissistic tendencies somehow have twisted the compliment on their staff into a negative reflection of themselves; therefore, anything actually negative about them would surely have a more volatile outcome.

  The reason I speak about this now is because I see so many of my friends suffering with the same or similar grievances and it breaks my heart. I’m hoping that by writing all of this down that not only will I be unburdening myself of all these toxic feelings I’ve been harbouring, but anyone who has suffered the same wrongs will not feel as alone. 

Know that you are welcome to come and talk to me freely without fear of judgement or retaliation – a safe space to air your grievances instead of holding it in inside.  

First of all let me preface this by saying that anyone who knows this establishment and knows me will know exactly who and what I am referring to. I know that for every one person who will be on my side because they have experienced similar things, there will be an army of loyal followers who will rally against me…and that’s okay. I would just ask those who will take up arms against my words that you truly look deep within yourself and ask ‘Is it necessary?’ , ‘Is this my fight?’, ‘Will it change how I feel if I bully someone for stating their opinion?’ I am not here to tear people down or tell you what to do, I am simply stating my opinions and that facts I have to justify those feelings, so please choose to be kind, not blindly loyal.


I have known many strong independent business owners, and while they may not operate on a ‘perfect image’ corporate level, they still all have a level of tact because they know they are the face of their business. I have NEVER experienced the level of unprofessionalism that this individual presents as a business person. There is a long list of grievances that I have both personal and about the business practices. I won’t dwell on the petty “he said, she said” antics, but I will express how this establishment has affected my mental health. And because I have a lot to say, I will be separating these into different blogs so they are easier to digest.

For now, here is the vaguest overview of the turn of events that brought on the need to write this series of essays and air my grievances:

In the last year and a half, I have not given my patronage to this business more than twice due to my pregnancy and being post-partum, however I have been roped into drama unnecessarily.

I haven’t physically set foot in the business since January. I have not engaged in any contact with the business or its owner, even on social media, in so long because of the toxic atmosphere I feel and wanting to remove myself from that circle and move forward with my life.

The last time this business owner was in contact with me via message/social media was June.

 I received a Whatsapp message from said business owner, asking if I could let them know what they’ve done to upset me.

 

Up until now, I have stuffed down my feelings. I have silently removed myself from the situation to save my sanity and not rock the boat in the process. But due to my past of having been ‘ghosted’ without explanation by so-called-friends, I felt it would be hypocritical of me to do the same. So, in the most kind and articulate way I could muster at 10-o-clock at night, I sent that person a message back, saying just that.

What I was sent back was somewhat of a surprise- an olive branch. A chance to meet up and air not only my grievances, but present the concerns of many other patrons I’ve talked to on the subject. I think the exact words i got from the business owners response was “…I would actually love to hear more about this so I can work on this and hope no one ever feels this way in the future...”

                Although I was not happy to be a bearer of bad news, I was excited at the prospect of this individual finally being open to feedback. Myself and countless others who have been jilted by this business would finally have a chance to be heard in hopes that things would change for the better. But this dream may have been to short lived. In the midst of back and forth messages trying to arrange a time for a meeting, my final message bounced back. It was sent, but never delivered. The message was never seen.

In fact, it took a friend of mine to casually mention that she was blocked on social media by this same individual, for me to actually investigate if I had been blocked in the same capacity. I checked my Whatsapp message….found it wasn’t ‘delivered’ and then noticed that this person’s contact picture had disappeared from the conversation ‘bubble’. I checked facebook…can’t see their profile (aka blocked). I checked Instagram…also invisible to me (aka blocked again).

Just when I imagined that things could be resolved, and a meeting would be held to have a civil conversation I surmise that it was all pomp and circumstance and a meeting was never going to happen anyway. In a last attempt to make things right, I sent an e-mail… something that hasn’t been blocked…to the business and announced that although the act of blocking me was unprofessional, I was still genuinely willing to give them the feedback they asked for.

 I don’t know what will come of this, or if it will be an never-ending saga. I don’t know if they ever truly desired the feedback and to grow their business into something better for the future, or if it was all a façade. ….All I know is that it has gone this far and I would be remiss if I didn’t speak up for the dozens of people I personally know that have suffered trauma, mental anguish, exploitation, low self-esteem, injustice, and unfair encounters with this person and their business, especially when so many have claimed it to be their ‘happy place’ in the past.

It begs the question...was it ever a happy place? Was it my version of Disneyland? Or are we all looking through rose tinted glasses and eventually find out that its Dismaland after all? 

Sunday, October 4, 2020

The onset of late night anxiety

So heres a fun little insight into anxiety...its a pain in the ass. It rarely ever goes away and you can only learn to mange it, or try and numb it for a little while. Thats why people who arent on anxiety medication usually turn to drugs, drinking, gambling or sex to distract themselves from the anxiety that gets overwhelming from time to time. I wrote a little prose (would you call this prose?) In the moment of an anxiety episode i had to illustrate what goes on when i have an attack. 

I wrote this drunk, whilst having an attack so forgive me if its a little disorganised-its just how thoughts raced through my mind at the time. whats that phrase?...was it Hemmingway that said "write drunk, edit sober"? Well, that's what happened here.  Enjoy.



"Missed messages on my notification widget of my phone. Oh now. That name. Not again. Heart palpitations. Why me? Why this? What now? Should i look? Should i not? Its gonna bug me if i dont. But then im damned if i look cause theyll see i read the message. Do i leave it until tomorrow? I wont be able to get to sleep. Ill keep wondering what they want. 

Fuck it. Im opening it. 

Okay. Its not so bad. But now ive read it. Do i reply? Do i not reply? Do i leave if and reply tomorrow? No, ill be up all night trying to think of what to say. I wont sleep. Best write something now. But what to say? I dont want to. I just want this to go away. I cant deal.

The impending doom creeps over me like a fog, enveloping my senses in its dark dreary matter. Anxiety. Its here and its staying. I sigh and steady myself. Time to craft a response.

A moment later...

SEND. There. Its done. I can go to sleep now.... except i cant. My mind races. I cant stop thinking about the words in my message. What will they think? What will they say? Will i get backlash from the proverbial shit hitting the fan? I need to relax. I need to go to bed-look at the time. But i cant sleep when im like this. My mind racing like the beating of hummingbirds wings,faster and faster as i try to leave my body and fly away to escape my current misfortune. 

I put my headphone on and crank up some tunes hoping to drown out the noise that my anxiety is making. My anxiety is unwelcome noise, like a poorly practiced music student screeching irritating cords on an ill-fated stringed instrument. The music, although lovely and enjoyable, does not compare to the ruckus my anxiety makes. I need something more. 

As i pace downstairs i pass the liqour cabinet, something i rarely touch now a days. 

Fuck it. Im having a drink. 

A nice drink, amaretto, i like amaretto...straight. thatll get me buzzed enough to shut my brain up. But wait, next to it...Bourbon. thats stronger. I dont much care for the taste on its own, but with my sweet favourite amaretto....and double the spirits. That'll do. 


I grab both bottles and begin mixing the concoction. No mixers. Just straight proof. I need sleep. I dont want to feel this anxiety. I justify my actions as i take swig after swig of the amber liquid, each time feeling the anxiety fading into the background. 

I change up my plan and try putting on an audio book ive listened to before and concentrate on visualizing a detailed picture of the scene and characters as the narrators describes it all in detail. I engrose myself in it, until in my mind pops up the text. No... NO. I push it down and try and focus on the audiobook again. I can feel the haze of the alcohol taking effect as a drift in and out of torn thoughts. 

<His hair was the colour of ink on stained parchment of his face>

...my mind drifts from the narration as it continues to play....

I wonder if they'll reply now; my thoughts overlap the narrators voice in my ears.

I quickly put the conversation on mute so i can focus solely on relaxing with my audiobook and head to bed. If i can go to bed before X time then i will get enough sleep before i have to wake up for work tomorrow morning...must concentrate on my book. Focus solely on the book....

I can feel the spirits working as they flush through my system and my brain slows down enough to switch from one train of thought to another in a slower dopey way...

<Lazily, he ran a rough hand through his dark hair and glanced at the french doors.....>

Slowly again my attention drifts. For a few seconds its floating high above me, not engrossed in the story that has now faded away and i can no longer hear the narration. It takes a while before it comes back down to my body and im thinking of how it tingles from the sensation of being drunk and i am suddenly aware of my new slowed conciousness. Good its working...it wont be long now ..."



That's all i wrote. I know its bad to self medicate with alcohol, but sometimes its just what needs to be done for a temporary reprieve. This all reminds me of some Green Day Lyrics and they couldnt be more relevant: 

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore