Creation of the Quiet Book

Over maternity leave i decided to create a Quiet Book for Henry. It's comprised of soft felt pages and everything is either tacked in with glue, Velcro, snaps, string, or sewn in. And let me tell you...there was LOTS of pieces to tack in. 

The majority of the pieces were hot glued or sewn in really well to make sure that they could withstand lots of toddler pulling and picking....cause if it's one thing toddlers do best, its to fiddle with things until they're destroyed completely (not unlike puppies actually🤔). Since there was a ton of sewing and hot gluing to do i had to work on the book while the small child wasn't around during the day, which only left when daddy took Henry out for a few hours or when Henry went down for a long nap.

I tired to include a range of learning potentials (learning colours, numbers, life skills etc) for later on, but for now Henry will just be very textile as well as looking at pretty colours. 

The rundown of pages/learning: 

• Textile page (buttons, a snap, velcro, yarn, zipper, sponge, rubber shapes)
  
• Matching colours
• Matching Shapes
• Abacus w/ beads
• I spy with my little eye 
• Right v Left
• Big to Small shapes
• Learning colours
• Counting
• Moods Page
• Name page
• Learning how to dress
• Laundry/washing pretend play
• Braiding Hair
• Tic Tac Toe/ Noughts and Crosses

It was quite a feat trying to fit in all the little pieces, lots of cutting felt, gluing, drawing faces, making 'clothes', sewing in sections... but I finally finished it! And already henry has fun flipping through the thick book like felt pages and feeling all the little intricate pages mommy hand crafted for him. Whether or not he uses it as it's intended for learning as he gets older will be another story entirely. 

One of the sections I debated on was something I would never have thought about consciously before: What colour felt do I cut out for the faces?  Up until a few months ago, it wouldn't have been a question and I would have automatically just put in a beige felt face. Thanks to the massive media hype around Black Lives Matter, I've been putting in the time to think about my world view, how I can broaden it, and what I can do to change things. 

One of the things I learned from actor Mehcad Brookes was that change starts with the collective consciousness. In the simplest terms, to make outward change, we first need to change the way people think. Everyone has unconscious bias about a myriad of things--these are things we have an innate opinion about because it's been made socially normal through our upbringing. A few good examples of that would be: 

• Different jobs men hold or women hold (ie: Men are doctors, Women are nurses. Men are Builders, Women are ballerinas)
• Gender Stereotypes (Boys play sports, Girls play with dolls....or Women should be pretty, men should be strong)
• Cultural Misconceptions (Spanish people are Lazy, Canadians are too nice, the British don't care about dental hygiene, Germans are humorless, Jamaicans love getting high, etc)
• Thinking all people over a certain age are frail and incapable of looking after themselves
• Racial Bias (Black people are great at sports, white people are racists, Asian people are intelligent, Hispanic are illegal immigrants, etc)

I've been challenging these social norms and stopping more to think about them--"okay, well why is my first thought X, can it be Y instead?" Breaking the cycle of these 'social norms' and allowing room to grow is a big part of changing the world.

So, whilst I was making my Quiet Book and I had a few pages that would feature faces I thought to myself...I would normally put in little white boy faces because Henry is a white boy. But could I do it differently? 

The answer was undoubtedly YES! And why not? At the moment Henry's exposure to people of colour will be minimal because 99.9% of the people he sees on a daily basis are white-mummy, daddy, granny, granddad, mummy/daddy's close friends, Nursery carers, etc. I can't control outside factors--what people say or do concerning POC, but I can control how we in this family treat the issue of it. So that Henry can see that diversity is normal and 100% okay (hopefully to counteract any outside negative influence) I'm making efforts to grant him positive exposure to things he wouldn't normally come across. 

I'm firstly leading by example by checking myself (and Rob) for any lingering bias and correcting this behavior so Henry can't copy it. I'm making more effort to buy culturally diverse books, including some amazing finds from independent authors so that he can have an array of protagonists to follow and learn about some of the amazing cultures that the world has to offer.  And, I've opted for NOT putting the face of a pale blond girl (which is what my default would have been) to braid her hair in Henry's quite book. It's a minor change and it doesn't really matter who's hair is getting braided but it's one opportunity to diversify Henry's 'feed'. 

Now on to my next homemade project for Henry--The dreaded 3 page cross stitch that will take forever to complete. I'm hoping that I can at least manage the bottom half of the cross stitch by the time we start marking Henry's height. I'm back to work full time now, so that may be a pipe dream. 

More about returning to work in an upcoming blog. For now, I'm signing off!

All the Things that Ive Done

As my Maternity leave ends and I'm headed back to work tomorrow I've had a look back at all the things I've been able to accomplish in the last year. I know it might sound silly, and that raising a child should be reward enough but I'm a very visual, list checking type person. I prefer to see things laid out in a list and feeling a sense of accomplishment when I'm able to tick things off as I've done them. I get immense gratification from doing so and it makes me feel worth something when I'm able to display my accomplishments like this. 

So, for no other reason than to lay it all down on paper (or a digital format in this case) for myself, here is a list of all the things that I've done. 

My Prenatal / Postnatal / Maternity leave / Quarantine Combination Accomplishments List:

Of course the greatest thing during this time has been to be home and see Henry grow up and help him achieve new things...speaking of which, baby boy did his first full day at nursery today! I think he enjoied himself way too much and his key worker said he did extremely well.

 My BIG boy ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

A Typical Day in the Vidler Household

So, it's going to be boring mom stuff again, but hey...what else do I do all day except be full time mommy!?! And there's limited time before I go back to work so I've gotta get my mommy rants out now. 

So without further ado...

I have a great kid. And I know all the moms say that, but we've been really lucky that Henry is so chill. We've been told as much, many many times. He hardly cries/makes a fuss and if he does there's a very good reason for it. That's not to say that there aren't some hard times, but very rarely are we at wits end with Henry... yet. The toddler years are still to come. The jury is still out. 

I thought I'd give a little insight to how the inner workings of the Vidler house have been over my maternity leave and over quarantine and just raising Henry in general.  It's all new for us, so right now it's a novelty when even the most mundane of things occur. I'll take you through the highlights of the Good and the Bad (I don't think there's been any ugly...maybe my anxiety days but that's a different matter). These events are typical of the Vidler household, but not all these things will always occur in one day... obviously.  

Morning Routine: 

THE GOOD:

• SLEEP IN UNTIL 8am! This is a miracle if this happens....or it's Rob's day off and he gets up with smushy first and lets mommy sleep a bit longer. :) Sometimes it's not always a sleep-in day though. Sometimes if mommy can sleep in until 7am without any middle of the night interruptions, then it can start off as a good day. In that case, it's usually the coo sounds that smush makes and giggles in his crib that let me know he's awake. 
• Sometimes(whether it's immediately after waking, or a few hours later) we wake up daddy to have some morning cuddles. I love seeing Rob and Henry together in our bed. It just warms the heart that even though Rob is so tired, he's still a great dad in giving smush his last leg of energy.
• It's also always a good day when I can go downstairs after waking up, put Smush down on his playmate to peacefully make a cup of coffee & mix up a bottle of formula before he kicks up a fuss. If the kitty meows to come in straight away, this usually means that the presence of the cat distracts baby boy long enough for mommy to do her morning routine and maybe even sit and have a few sips of coffee before it kicks off. 

THE BAD:

• 6AM WAKE UP CALL. Yep. We went from having the perfect week old baby who slept for 8 hours straight until 8am, to now the new normal of waking up to babbles and cries at 6am. seriously...no matter how late we get this kid to fall asleep, inevitably he will wake up at 6am...or before. WIDE awake and hyper. (Those moments I resign to the fact that I am up until Rob can let me go back to sleep or smush goes down for his first nap.) If we're lucky we get about half hour of babbling before he gets fussy and one of us has to actually get out of bed. On the odd occasion we get a screaming/crying baby (no babbling to start with) & we guess it's because he's had a baby nightmare, or he bumped his head or leg against the cot railing...even tho we have a bumper there 😑 
• Henry is so needy that he doesn't want to be put down so I can make him a bottle and me coffee....so there's either a crying boy, or mommy has to juggle holding him and mixing up a bottle one handed. 
• One step further, we've had a few occasions where not only is the boy fussy, but the cat has either brought in something dead through the window or made a mess in the living room and I'm forced to play Nanny and Housemaid before 'normal work hours'.

THE UGLY:

This isn't typical, but I've had more of these episodes during quarantine than I have in a whole year, which is something worth mentioning when I talk about the day to day. There are days where I can barely function....but 'MomLife' makes me go through the motions. 

Even the cat knew I couldn't cope
and came upstairs to bed with me. 

....I wake up, depressed and sleep deprived wanting to stay in bed, but Henry needs me. I drag myself out of bed, change him, feed him...basically the bare minimum, then leave him to play on his play mat all day watching him, staring blankly from the sofa drinking cups of coffee until he cries for something he needs. When Rob gets home, I go straight back to bed, or plug in my headphones to drown out the world until I feel marginally better.

It's weird, when I get in my 'low mood' I go almost catatonic. I don't take care of myself except for brushing my teeth, drinking coffee and peeing. Honestly, I don't shower, I don't get dressed, i don't brush my hair, I forget to eat. I only brush my teeth because I have an anxiety thing about my mouth that's hard to explain. Getting downstairs with Henry is a struggle and doing basic things like changing a nappy or mixing up a bottle of formula is maximum effort, but I do it because I know I have to. And if I admit defeat and can't even do the bare minimum then the voices of my inner saboteur come creeping in to say what a $£*% mom I am. 

I'm thankful that these types of days are rare because of my medication and coping techniques, but this pandemic has definitely kicked it up a notch in terms of mental breakdowns. 

MOVING ON.....

During the Day:

THE GOOD:

Henry's 1st time at the park w/ Daddy

• If Rob is off, sometimes he likes to take Henry out for a walk around the neighborhood--which means that although a walk would be good for me, I hang back at the house. I take the opportunity to give myself a child free-self care hour. This usually consists of Yoga, blogging, crafting or reading a book in absolute peace. It may not seem like much, but an hour of doing ANYTHING uninterrupted for a mom is pure heaven. 
• Naps- This can go one of two ways on a good day. Either smushy goes down for 2 hours and I'm able to sleep for that amount of time too, or it gives me the opportunity to have child-free hours to get chores done(quietly), or 'me' time. 
• YARD TIME: It's been hard during the pandemic to make sure Henry gets OUT of the house. One of the ways that has been consistent since lock down(and since he could sit upright by himself) is that when I need to hang laundry Henry gets put on a mat in the shade in the back garden. He's fascinated with outside and will look at everything in wonderment and giggle at anything that moves. Sometimes we play peak-a-boo behind the bigger towels/sheets on the laundry line. 
  
  
• Being able to see people! 
  
  

It's definitely been a highlight now that lock down restrictions on socializing have eased. We've had a few different visitors pop round to ours and also gone to visit other at their homes or in public places and it's just great to get to see Henry being sociable with people other than mommy and daddy. 

• It happens less now that he is a little energizer bunny but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE when I feed him his bottle, he gets so tired that he just curls into me and sleeps. Now, that has been replaced by whenever he is cuddly and just STAYING STILL on my lap while we watch TV or something. 
• Getting to see Henry make development strides: crawling, cruising, climbing the stairs. Every new thing he's accomplished always makes the day much more enjoyable. To see him grow and flourish, even when the rest of the world is going to pot. 
  
  
• Seeing Rob and Henry play. There's nothing that warms my heart more than just sitting back and observing my little man and the hubby share smiles and laughter and cuddles. Honestly the best feeling in the world next to still cuddles with Henry. 
• Henry's laughing. There are a myriad of ways to get little mush laughing, and giggling like a little hyena and it's the cutest thing in the world. Some of the guaranteed things to get him going are: 
• playing peek-a-boo 
• passing a soft toy ball to him and seeing his face light up every time it comes back
  
  
• "smelly toes": basically I sniff his feet in disgust and cry 'eeewwwweeeee smelly feet!' or 'who's little smelly toes are these?'
• Being tickled
• Going upside down, either being dipped or being held upside down by his ankles
• Seeing/playing with one of the following people: Granny Alice, & Fun 'uncle' Si. He's in fits of laughter seeing these two. 
• When the cat does something unique/unusual from his normal behavior. Ie: making noise coughing up a hairball or balancing on his hind legs for treats

THE BAD:

• The one thing that I can't ever get past and the day seems to drag on and on is when I'm so exhausted, ready to have a kip and Henry refuses to nap. Not even coffee can save me then. I've tried every trick in the book to get some shut eye (bar calling another person to babysit): sleeping on the floor of the living room while he plays in a confined space....letting him bounce up and down on my lap while I hold him, eyes shut and head tilted back....bring him into my bed, lining the edges of the bed with pillows so he doesn't fall off and draping an arm over him or holding onto a hand/foot and closing my eyes. 
• Forgetting to feed myself. There are many a time when i skip breakfast...lunch...basically everything except coffee....because im too busy running around from the constant carousel of care. Its only when my stomach starts rumbling that i remember...oh yeah, i should eat something. 
• Interruptions. Interruptions. Interruptions. This is a broad category but there always seems to be one form of it or another going on. 
• Door to door people coming around while I'm looking after Henry during one of his crying fits, then having to answer the door with him on my hip and getting really anxious about people I don't know bringing their germs to close to him--NO, I don't want to talk, can't you see I have a baby to look after. 
• Typing a message and all of a sudden Henry decides he wants to play with my phone so I loose the novel I was painstakingly trying to text one handed. 
• Having to answer the phone when baby boy is loudly babbling or crying in the background and being unable to leave the room to hear what the person over the phone is saying because I have to have eyes on the ever moving mush
• The cat doing something (ie: throwing up, bring a mouse in, tracking muddy paws over the counter tops, knocking something over, trying to escape upstairs where he's not supposed to be, peeing in odd places, etc) and then having to juggle watching mush, and cleaning up whatever it is Charlie's done before Henry gets to it first. 
• Trying to juggle housework and taking care of Henry. I can do it, but boy am I rushed off my feet. Sometimes I can putter around doing housework while Henry plays on his own, but there are times where he is always at my side or crying so I end up holding him and finishing my task one handed. The most annoying one that took the longest was hovering while lugging Henry around. I sweat a lot doing that. 

Evening Routine:

THE GOOD:

• It's always a bonus when Rob is working days....just to know he's coming home. Even on a good day, the exhaustion of looking after a baby or toddler is a full time job in itself and to know that my parental relief is on the way home is the greatest hope in the world. 
• Bath time with little man is fun and terrifying. Fun because he's now old enough to understand splashing and LOVES it; also, he has rubber duckies that are great to chew on. Terrifying because he gets so excited playing in the bath that he splashes far too much water into his face, freaks out and then face plants into the bath(which normally is his I'm tired/upset so I'm going to rest my head on the floor) unintentionally waterboarding himself all over again. All in all, bath times are great tho. 
  
• Henry's bedtime means that the adults have time to sit without being on high alert. Zoning out to trash TV, watching a movie together, crafting or reading. True winding down time. 

THE BAD:

• Realizing that its been 24...48...72 hours since my last shower. Seriously, the moment i can sneak away for 5 minutes to take a shower is sheer bliss. I have gone days without leaving the house, or even getting dressed and I suddenly realize I should probably take a nice hot bath when Henry goes to sleep, or forget to shower another day in the morning when I'm trying to juggle Henry watch too. 
• When Henry refuses to go to sleep. This kid loves to fight sleep. Naps, Bedtime, more often than not he will be so incredibly tired, eyes closed, and still be squealing, crying and thrashing. It usually subsides within 10 minutes, or he'll drift off, wake up and fuss, then drift off again, but sometimes he just plain refuses to sleep. Those are the hard nights, when all Rob and I wish to do is relax and Henry is fighting sleep for 2 or 3 hours on and off. 

As much as I moan about 'the bad', it really isn't all that bad. I know people have had it FAR WORSE than Rob and I have. Under normal circumstances, there are so many parents who have gotten WAY less sleep than we've been able to. There are women who have given birth during this pandemic and have very little support thanks to lock down measures. When it comes to Mush, Rob and I just got lucky. We're waiting for the penny to drop and our next child be the spawn of the devil...although Mush has that demon growl down already strangely enough. 

What Maternity during COVID has taught me

My maternity has come to an end(I'm on a 'official' month long holiday now😁) and I've been thinking a great deal about how COVID has affected it. 

There are some things that I've absolutely loved--the whole staying at home in our own little family bubble for one. 

PARENTING & COVID

Lock down was not much different than the first few weeks after having a baby, except WAY less sleep deprived and the pain has gone from downstairs. We just stayed at home and enjoyed time with Henry without an influx of people. Which was really nice. Rob was being furloughed and therefore home so he got to spend alot more time with Henry, well, that is until he decided he couldn't sit still and got a job as a courier.  

Then there are the annoying things that we weren't able to do (once I felt up to going out and socializing) such as baby classes, meeting up with people to show off my beautiful boy, or just taking him into town and window shopping. It took a long time for me to feel like myself and want to have visitors or to actually go out of the house. I got maybe 3 month or so of this before lock down commenced and it was back into the house for the time being. Which was sad and at times disappointing, but I was more happy than upset to retreat into our family bubble. 

There are also the things that are obviously bothersome for other people regarding COVID and Maternity lease, but I've kind of learned to roll with the punches. For example, there was an article I read about a local petition to get the government to extend maternity leave for a variety of reasons. One key thing was about how it's been nearly impossible to arrange Childcare. With Nurseries, schools, etc closed for months during the lock down phase, nowhere was open to arrange childcare and even now when they've been allowed to open back up it's under heavy restrictions--most nurseries aren't doing visits and won't allow a child to be enrolled with them without a visit first. I'm now realizing that this is a VERY valid point, but I've just learned to deal with it. 

I've been more concerned about the long lasting effects that COVID will have on Henry. When lock-down happened, Henry was roughly 21 weeks old (or just over 4 months). We exposed him to LOADS of people visiting and holding him from when he was born, but it wasn't until mid lock-down that he got to the age where he was becoming more aware of his surroundings and recognizing people he knew. 

Weekly skype chats with mum I think has helped solidify that he can identify people talking to him/at him even through a computer screen. Even though mom was here in person prior to him becoming more aware of his surroundings, I think he recognizes her from before. Same with my good friends Lucie and Simon--prior to lock down, during lock down on skype and then post lock down they've visited me and Henry a lot. To Henry, Simon's face is always a recognizable face of someone who's willing to get down and drive wooden cars along the floor with him. 

Although Henry probably can't remember all the people that have held him and had cuddles prior to lock down, judging by his attitude now, I think he's quite a sociable boy and loves to be around people, whether he can identify them or not. 

That's one thing I'm really thankful for, is that he is a very happy, easy going baby who doesn't have a problem socializing. The trick now is getting him to play with other babies. He's only had 1 baby experience prior to lock down and that was his cousin George at Christmas, 2 months after he was born, aka way before he was aware of what was going on more than a few inches away from his face. Getting him to socialize with kids his age has been a big priority with securing Nursery (rather than go for a childminder). It's a tricky situation, and rather rushed at the last minute with securing a place for him at a Nursery, but I've had to make due with the crunch time instead of hope that the government would grant extended maternity leave. 

COVID has given a whole new meaning to 'the new normal', with people being furloughed or laid off in some cases, but for me...nothing MAJOR really changed. I was on maternity leave when it started, and restrictions are easing more and more the closer I get to returning to work. If this pandemic didn't happen I would largely be doing the same thing as I have been the past 5 months. The only differences: 

Birmingham : The day before Lock down.

• Nursery visits got cancelled, resulting in panic selecting a nursery before my return to work
• Rob was furloughed part of the time and therefore home for a month to help out with Henry
• For a while I couldn't go out, walk into town and go shopping, etc freely with baby in tow
• I probably would have done a few more baby classes with Henry if congregating at Children's centers wasn't banned
• My family would have been able to visit Henry in March (😓)
• More people would have been able to visit Henry and watch him grow up in person

There are things that I am sad about or disappointed I couldn't do, but overall I am grateful for the time that I've had with my family.  Truth be told, the worst bit has been my Anxiety vs. Pandemic. 

ANXIETY v. COVID

Aka. I did not appreciate my anxiety ramping up to 11 during all this (Being a New Mom & a global pandemic). 

I knew that having a baby equates to mess: birth is messy, diapers can explode, kids stick everything germ ridden or not into their mouths, the snot faced children, the playing with dirt and bugs. I've always had a thing about personal cleanliness (well...that is until I could go 48 hours without a shower cause I'm too busy running around after a cruising baby). I knew that when we had kids that my cleanliness regimes would either cave completely or I was going to be more 'on it' in regards to keeping a clean child. 

For the most part I've had low expectations about keeping Henry to an immaculate level of cleanliness (although, there was an issue of unblocking snotty nostrils for a while there), and I think I've been doing a 'normal' job of keeping him clean. Bathing, wiping hands/mouth, nappy changes...I've been doing a thorough job but not being over the top about getting every spec of filth off him as soon as it stains his skin. 

Then a global pandemic goes and screws all that up. My anxiety levels in terms of cleanliness not only go up, but they skyrocketed in the first few weeks of lock down. EVERYTHING needed to be cleaned going in or out of the house. I would clean the doorknobs and the door knocker everyday and the bin would get sanitizing whenever I brought the barrel in/out on bin day. This is in addition to washing my hands before and after I touched anything. 

My own cleanliness was one thing, but then I had Henry to worry about too. I wouldn't let him touch anything that came from outside. If post dropped through the slot, I wouldn't let him go near it to pick up. Anything we got from the supermarket for Henry would have to be quarantined for 72 hours before we could give it to him. For the longest time I didn't want Henry to go out at all, so either Rob or I would have to go click n collect our groceries while the other stayed at the house with Henry. I didn't feel comfortable taking Henry out of the house at all...not even for a walk in the pushchair or a drive around the block in the car, but I would hesitantly let Rob take Henry for a walk. 

Things eased off....I went outside with Henry slowly but surely easing back into things while still being cautious about it. The most heightened example of how far my cleanliness went with Henry was the first time (and really every time since, but less manic) I had to go do a food shop with him IN the store. I brought a whole pack of antibac wipes with me, and personally cleaned down every inch of the trolley before putting Henry in the child seat. I knew part of this was overkill because the store employees were disinfecting trolleys and handing them to people as they came in, but it just wasn't good enough! On top of that, I put a blanket down on the child seat so no part of Henry would touch the (cleaned...twice...) trolley. I may have gone too far....but it was the only way I felt comfortable taking him into the supermarket. 

The blanket in hindsight makes no sense because he would sooner breathe in contaminated air than catch anything from a twice sanitized trolley but hey ho. 

It's been an uphill battle for sure, but I'm starting to relax a bit more as the world goes back to normal. I still have plenty of hand sanitizer and antibac wipes at the ready, but I'd like to think that I'm being a bit more rational and thoughtful in my processes as to not over do it. I'm just glad that I've gotten to the point where I trust Mush Mush to be around other people in close proximity besides Rob and I. I understand that Rob could catch Covid at work and bring it home to Mush just as easily as a close family friend could give it to him by breathing while holding Mush. The people I let hold/play with Henry I trust are being safe and reasonable when it comes to Covid and social distancing, but it still makes me feel nervous. I'm just learning to push past that. 

Time to Think About What's Important in Life

Apart from all the discoveries with Mush, Maternity has been a breathe of fresh air in realigning my priorities and having the time to think and discover and open my eyes to things I had been blind to before. It's honestly been a time in my life where I've been able to look at things through a new lens, from big world wide issues to small happenings in my personal life. 

The first thing to mention is that 2020 should just be binned off completely. There have been so many world wide issues that have proven that the end of the world is neigh. Besides a global pandemic wreaking havoc, other natural disasters of biblical proportions have been the bushfire in Australia, a volcanic eruption in the Philippines covering whole towns in ash, devastating floods in Indonesia, a swarm of locusts in Africa, large magnitude earthquakes in Turkey, the Caribbean, US, etc. Then we have the continual onslaught of people of color and the Black Lives Matter protests around the world, the ongoing Hong Kong Protests and display of police brutality there, massive explosions with the latest most devastating event occurring in Lebanon from improperly stored contraband, as well as a couple major plane crashes (such as the Pakistan airline incident....and the not so 'accidental' shooting down of a Ukranian jetliner in Iran) that had both on and off craft casualties. 

Not that the world hasn't had tons of devastating events before, but with media so widely spread on the internet now a days it's quite easy to find out what has been happening mere hours ago in a country on the other side of the world. On a personal note, in recent years I've taken a backseat from keeping up with news outlets thanks to a big orange orangutan in the white house & trying to preserve my sanity by ignoring everything that gets me riled up. But now I'm trying my best to keep abreast of what's been going on in the world by finding reputable news sources and trying to filter out the kack so I don't get myself in a tizzy. 

In all of this going on, I've found opportunity in learning and speaking out about injustices in the world. With all the filth that is plaguing the world, it's hard to be everywhere at once, and you can literally drive yourself mad by trying to advocate for every cause there is, which is why for now I've been speaking out so strongly about the Black Lives Matter movement. I'm relearning history about the country I grew up in and I am amazed, appalled and somehow not entirely surprised at all the dirty dealings. I've learned in my findings, that the best thing I can do from my position is to speak up and educate people I know into the light of the truth.That's my bit....and I'm sticking to it for now. 

Re: Naturalization laws for YEARS specified you had to be a Free White Person to gain citizenship.
I was never taught this in school. I'm learning now.... 

The other thing maternity leave in general has given me is the opportunity to take a step back from things I thought I knew in my personal life and allow me an outside objective option. I've very much found this with a passion of mine from the last 6 years: aerial. Where once I was blinded by the ideal that the studio I went to was wrapped up in love, inclusivity and good intentions, the cracks in the exterior have gradually shown through. 

Starting way back in February when I stopped going due to getting pregnant, taking a step back from the studio has allowed me to see all the unsightly bits that I just glossed over with another coat of 'happy place' paint. Well, taking time off has revealed what's underneath...hypocrisy, egocentricity, greed, and downright acrimonious behavior behind the facade of a happy, loving, studio family. With all the things I know, have learned or experienced, it's made my priorities shift. It makes me want to devote less time to an industry that is as cliquey as Cheer-leading, Gymnastics, etc and spend more time doing what makes me happy. For the majority of my maternity, my happiest times have been when I'm creating something (crochet, painting, writing), and seeing my baby boy grow up. 

I read a book recently that claimed to have the Japanese secret to a long and happy life. It talks about Ikigai-purpose. I've talked about this before in an earlier blog, but to sum up Ikigai (and the meaning of life) is finding something you

A) love to do
B) are good at

C) can provide the world that is needed

D) can make money doing so

So far, I've done a fairly good job at obtaining all four of those through Crocheting as my commissions list keeps growing. Will it be worth quitting my job one day and pursuing it full time? No idea. But what I do know is that even though I may be gaining weight from sitting on the couch crocheting instead of getting up on a pole or in a hoop in my free time, I can say with absolute certainty that it is a better use of my time and makes me a whole lot happier. 

It gives me great joy to be able to use my maternity leave to not only spend time with my son, raising him, seeing him grow and learn, but to be offered these moments of clarity. I've done a fair bit of self discovery through my maternity journey and I continue to do so every day. Pandemic be damned, I've had a great maternity leave! Albeit, my anxiety has gone through the roof... will I ever know if that was due to COVID or being new to parenting? Will I ever know what a 'normal' maternity leave looks like? who knows. I'm just along for the ride baby, and in this household, we roll with the punches. 

"Oh no..."

I am fully aware that my child is definitely an adventurer and as we have coined in our household a 'danger baby'. However I never see what's coming next. (Do any parents know, really?) 

We had our first settling in visit at the nursery last week and baby boy was completely comfortable with crawling around and away from mama (without looking back). It's a very good sign for us that he's going to settle into nursery quickly and be comfortable without us....but at the same time: Dang baby boy! Can't wait to get rid of mama are you? Alright...bye then. *cries internally*

To be fair, as soon as he learned to crawl he was gone. When he sees something he wants to go after, he will and quite quickly I might add. We find this especially true for the Kitty (he LOVES that cat). So I don't know why I was so surprised when today's little adventure happened. 

The way our house is laid out, the sitting room door opens out onto a hallway/foyer where the staircase is right in front of the front door. On the other side of the front door we have a little inside porch bit with some tropical plants hanging on the wall & a sliding glass door to the outside. I went to water the plants in the porch and baby boy follows me out to the foyer. 

He's been learning to push himself up to standing, and then sit back down and he does this with the bottom step of the staircase that is BEFORE the stair gate(which is where the banister starts, and where we could pressure fit the gate). I was so busy trying to quickly water the plants that I didn't notice him start to push himself up on the bottom step like he does. I go to fill the watering can, and water the plants on the windowsill of the kitchen and return to find Mush up 5 steps of stairs. 

Suffice to say my little mommy heart simultaneously panicked, judging my neglectful parenting ways and thanked my lucky stars that he didn't lose his balance and fall. I had no idea he was going to pick today to attempt and master stair climbing. *mom-panic level hyperventilating* I will be locking that gate from now on and silently judging myself for the rest of time. 

After the panic had eased off, I turned on my camera and was able to catch a little bit of the shenanigans. But I think going up 5/6 steps in less than a minute was a tiring feat for little mushmellow. We sang the immigrant song instead, and mommy felt marginally better. 

Those super insecure moments

So recently I've been going through a lot of up and down days with my depression/anxiety. 

I've never been diagnosed as being manic-depressive, but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe the past week. I had very low mood days, where I was insecure, lonely, and almost unable to function coupled with moments of high productivity, running around doing everything like a boss bitch, and back again. It started with an insecure moment I had with a Facebook friend last week and it only seemed to grow the more the week went on.

On a daily basis, even when I'm good at handling life, often times my anxiety takes over and I feel like 

Taken on a bad day, when I  retreated
upstairs to bed. Luckily the cat knew
and came to comfort me.

I'm a failure at life, 
I can't do anything right,
Nobody likes me. 

I know this is my inner sabator talking and I need to reassure myself.... 

I'm not failing at life-->I'm living. 

It's not that I can't do ANYTHING right-->I got up, got dressed, I'm a functioning human being so I did at least some things correctly today. 

And Saying NOBODY likes me is a bit overkill-->
at the very least I have a husband who loves me, a baby boy who will love me unconditionally, and in the words of Ru Paul "I'f you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?"

Still, that aside, I can't help but feel down when I have 'friend interactions'. Certain interactions with people make me second guess where I fit into their world and if I'm accepted or just tolerated. And it's worse the closer I let myself get to people. That's why, based on my past track record, I take a very long time to warm up to people and very rarely do I let myself feel fully dependent upon friends in case I'm let down. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming dread that washes over me when I think someone whom I deeply care about, just DGAFs about me. 

It's sending someone a huge long text message, then only getting a 1-2 word reply. 

It's making plans with someone and feeling like the only idiot who's excited to hang out. 

Or...alternatively,

It's seeing them with their other friends through social media posts and realizing "they never look this happy when we hang out" when every time you're super excited to be with them. 

It's seeing them hang out with a mutual friend and getting serious FOMO. 

It's feeling like they only talk to you when they need something. 

It's trying to make plans, and it keeps getting put on hold (without any particular reason just 'really busy this week, I'll get back to you later') and never following up. ...half a year later. Try again. 

It's the constant analyzing of expression: Is it resting bitch face? Are they tired? Stressed? Worried? Got a lot on their mind? Or do they just not like me?

All these little niggles, these sabotaging thoughts and feelings are a constant battle in my head that I have to shoo away like spiders with a blowtorch if I want to get anywhere in life. I need connections. I need people to be a part of my life and I get sad when I think about the connections with people I've made in the past, only to be wasted by someone deciding one day 'you know what..Nawwww, I'm out. Friendship done.'

I've been scorned by one too many people whom I've thought of as true friends. And now when I really connect with someone, I have a habit of building up walls faster than you can say 'friendship' because I fear I'll get speared through the heart with a javelin of betrayal, yet again. 

So I set my expectations low. If I don't build them up, then they can't let me down. Still, some days are harder than others. When I pour out my love for someone and they torch it like gasoline just to watch it burn: it hurts. 

Like unrequited love... only it's unrequited friendship that I fear the most. 

Something as tiny as a friend not messaging back can get me all worked up and make me spiral into a low mood if I let it. That coupled with over tiredness, looking after another human life, making big life decisions (we just got a loan to buy a second family car and we're trying to sort Nursery out at the moment), a global pandemic and just living day to day can get pretty overwhelming and sometimes I just snap.  And this week-I definitely snapped. 

Don't get my wrong, not every day was bad. I'm glad for the moments where I have good friends who are able to get me out of a slump for a little while. Not only is it great to be around people who genuinely seem to enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs, but it's a great distractions from the sabator whispering sinister thoughts in my ear. 

But, like all good things must come to an end, as soon as the interaction is over, and I'm back to being in my bubble alone with my thoughts, it can go one of two ways--I'm super low, or I'm super productive and there's no real way to detect which way the mood will swing.  

Most people only ever see the manic side of this. Super productive, super organized, getting stuff done, Crochet fiend, crafting extraordinaire, busy body, boss mom, friendly, outgoing, social butterfly Jennifer. In the main, that's because when I do have these super down days, I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I'm off social media, and I just either cry or sleep or cuddle my kitty to make me feel better. I mean, If I'm lucky, I get to sit in front of the TV(not crying) and binge watch TV to distract myself from the reality that I eventually have to get back to until I'm in a more functional mood. 

The picture above is from another bad day where I was just so exhausted, I face planted onto our new ottoman. I set up my camera to play with Henry cause he was doing something cute at the time. We played and I fained enthusiasm for so long, until he crawled away getting distracted by something else. I was on my knees, gathering up bits of toys in the living room and just sank my butt to my heels at some point. I remember being so tired that I didn't really want to pick up toys anymore and instead dropped the toys and just slumped forward and rested my body on to of the ottoman where we keep all his toys. 

Later, after Henry went to bed, I watched the video back, partially to see if there was any good footage to post on IG, and partially to see why it was SO LONG. I forgot that I had my phone camera still rolling and came across this little gem-so I screen grabbed it. Often times as mums on social media, the spotlight is always cast on the good, rather than the bad. So I thought I'd share this to let people see the other side of the coin--of momhood and of my depression. 

I'm feeling more myself, but I'm still under pressure with certain big life changes. I think it might be time for a mom stay-cation. (a "mom stay at home vacation": 24 hrs of uninterrupted me time to rest and recuperate). 

  

When is the right time to add to the family?

When IS the right time to add to the family? That is a very deep, serious question. And there is no right or wrong answer because everyone views things differently. Every couple has their own unique situation when they have to consider having a child. But the answer surrounding the aforementioned question in terms of getting pregnant is usually, "When it feels right". 

Sadly, my brain works off logical thinking, considering smaller and wider parameters of my life, thinking rationally about each one and often times weighing the pros and cons. I know I know....I'm a nightmare. How do you think I feel, I have to live with their irrational, rational thinking!

When Rob and I had Henry it was kind of a divine sign. I had just lost my dad, and we wanted to start  having kids before we turned 30 anyway, which was imminent. And it just sort of organically happened without 'actively trying'. Now, seeing how adorable Smushy is, Rob has been asking when we are going to have number 2 (teasing how we need to have a 'SmuSHE'). We both want to have another one and I can feel it...that need for Henry to have a sibling, and me to just go for it while I'm young enough to run around after 2 under the age of 2 by myself. But my brain just can't stop rationalizing every little thing, and it's hard to know what's me overthinking vs. me doing my due diligence to make sure we don't get in over our head. 

Larger considerations: 

Probably the largest consideration right now is to be bringing another child into this weird COVID-19 pandemic. Who knows how long it will last and if it will be gone before we have another child. If it isn't, there's the worry of being able to go in for midwife appointments, prenatal class, etc and experiencing the joy or prepping for a little one. Then on top of that, if Covid is still kicking around, I dread to think what it would be like to have a baby at hospital during a pandemic. 

The next life changing consideration is... do we have the room? do we have the stuff? Henry has graduated out of his baby carseat, and a new baby can sleep in the carrycot in our room for a few months, but that will only get us so far. At some point we will need to get another larger carseat, another cot or move smushy into a different toddler bed...which will go into the guest room. The one variable that we haven't got from the get go is a combi pushchair - one to hold a sitting toddler and a new born baby. 

Then we have the other factors that everyone has to consider: what's going to be a good age gap between the siblings? Can we afford two kids? Will Rob and I still be working in the same jobs, doing the same commute, earning the same amount of money? Will I have to go down to part time to be able to take care of both kids? Will I be able to handle a newborn and a toddler on my own this time without help from mum(who was visiting), and Rob (who was home more of the time due to lockdown)? 

Then there are the smaller, petty little things that don't actually matter in the long run, but they go in the pro and con lists all the same, just while we're at it.

Smaller Considerations: 

I had always envisioned that after we had Henry and when we got used to our status quo that Rob and I would be able to go on another holiday abroad, just the two of us, and we'd get someone to watch Henry while we're gone. Either that, or we'd be able to go back to America: either back east to visit my brother Jason, or home to California where the rest of my family is so that Henry can meet his American cousins (preferably while airfare for babies is free).But with Covid circling the globe, that certainly isn't on my to do list anytime soon. 

So then, do we wait to have these trips abroad after baby number two? Which means that if we are taking the kids, it could possibly be more money if Henry is older. Or if we need someone to look after them, it would have to be 2 kids instead of just Henry? Seems awfully cruel to inconvenience someone like that - not having looked after 1 child overnight, but being dumped with 2. 

Then there's the really stupid stuff that pops into my head....like I can't give blood if I get pregnant again...which I haven't been able to give blood for 2 years, since before dad died. Or the fact that I have an idea for another tattoo I was going to get...but then I got pregnant with Henry and I couldn't get it and there's rules about waiting so long until after you've given birth before you can get one. 

And then there's the fact that I love my Henry and that I don't know what its going to be like while I'm pregnant-will I be able to keep up with him. Will he be jealous of a new baby? Will I devote more time and attention to the next little one because they're only a baby. As stupid as it sounds I don't want anything getting in the way of the connection I have with my little man. I mean, Rob doesn't even get that much attention off me anymore (mostly because we're both doing metaphorical baby juggling).

I know that the decision to have another baby shouldn't be weighed against statistics or a pro/con list and that we should just know when the time is right, but I can't help having a very analytical brain. I mean, I am definitely a planner and the thing about kids is that you can NEVER and I mean NEVER account for all possible outcomes no matter how hard you try, so what's the point stressing over it? 

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for any advice, and this is not some big announcement or anything, this is just me, letting you inside the thought process of my brain as I try and work it out for myself. Right now my head is a jumble of anxiety, pre-planning, panicking, daydreaming, imagining, calculations, and considerations. So, when you ask me again, "Do you think you and Rob will have another one?" ... answer your own question after reading this and know that yes, we want to, but my mind hasn't even determined when that will be! Only time will tell....