The Life of Fangirls (and Fanboys)

I am a passionate, empathetic human being so when I feel for something I feel it COMPLETELY. 

My emotions can be seen as 'too much' sometimes and my friends and family have been subject to my intense passion for something...... As a popular tik tok voice over says "I can't like things in a chill way..."

I am also a fangirl. 

And that requires a whole new level of passion. 

Fans get a bad rep.... "fanatic" is a dirty word thrown around for someone who is over exuberant about something. Usually the term fanatic is used in a negative connotation with things like terrorist attacks or political associations ('left wing-fanatics'). That's probably why you wouldn't hear a casual fan of something called a fanatic openly...you usually say they're a fan of [insert tv show/movie/comic/music/etc here].

Fandom is something that you either get because you are apart of the fandom, or you don't unfortunately. A lot of 'nerdy' fandoms are looked down upon because outsiders can't possibly understand the reason for others obsessions in something as 'childish' as comics or collectibles. Most people, though will get fandom on SOME level because it can be used to describe everything from a fantasy genre TV show, to a football team...or from commemorative coins, to cars.  

Personally I have way too many fandoms. It would take far to long to name them all...

I just read a book on fandoms based off one of my passions--The TV Show Supernatural. It's a wonderful collection of stories from fans of the show and those involved in it's production. It details how the supernatural fandom is more like a large community or 'family' than 'just another following of a Sci-Fi show'. 

I was so engrossed that I managed to read it in 3 days. It's not a particularly long book (just shy of 300 pages) but it's the fastest I've ever read a book in my life. Some of the stories in it's pages made me well up with tears of happiness as well as tears of sadness and compassion for the trials its storytellers have been through. 

It's a book that, while keeping on the theme of the Supernatural fandom, explains how one tiny interest can fully capture someone's life and become their whole world. It perfectly explains how fandoms are and how they can be for many individuals. 

Being a part of a fandom means that you can let your passion for that subject fly unabashedly. Being a part of a fandom means finding like-minded people who you can talk about your passions with for hours on end. Being a part of a fandom also means the likelihood of you spending your life savings on Conventions, Collectibles, Autographs and photo ops have increased 500%.... but being part of a fandom is pure happiness. 

"I'm a leader, Not a follower!"

 

"I'm a leader, Not a follower!"

Accurate for most things...unless it comes to new craft obsessions. 

Lately I've noticed the following pattern....

Friend: Here's a craft gift. 

Me: I've never tried this craft before, but okay! I'll give it a try.

 *One craft project finished later* 

Me: MORE! MORE! I NEED ALL OF THE STUFF! 

*plans the most complicated pattern to do next*

Yeeeeeeah. I jump in there FAST. 

It started at my baby shower. One of the gifts I was given was a Crochet Kit from my friends Simon and Lucie. It was to make 1 octopus/jellyfish Amigurumi for the little one. The whole idea is that the crocheted tentacles mimic the umbilical cord in the womb so it's a comforting toy for babies to hold on to. 

I had never crocheted anything in my life before, let alone a stuffed toy, but I gave it a go Luckily my mum, who's a crochet fanatic herself was here visiting so she was able to talk me through it. Crochet is so confusing at first but I picked it up fairly quickly and completed the following little stuffed toy: 

But one wasn't enough... and I had extra materials. So I made another one. Better, tighter stitching on this one seeing as how I did the project once before so I got my practice round in. But oh no....there was still more materials left over, so I decided to use the pattern that was given to me, adjust it slightly, to make my own pattern for a bigger jellyfish. So now I have a family of jellyfish. 

The obsession didn't stop there though. Coming up to Christmas, and seeing my mom crocheting a baby blanket (what she's KNOWN for) for Henry I decided I wanted to have a go at a bigger project. So I bought yarn and made 2 blankets for Christmas presents: one tightly woven baby blanket & a looser stitched (so it would take less time) full sized adult blanket. 

Since then I have overbought yarn from sales and aldi's bargain bins and crocheted ALL OF THE THINGS. Some were from direct patterns online that I followed to the letter, while others I combined different patterns/stitches/ techniques from several patterns and made up my own pattern for a project (ie my Hexagon drawstring bag). 

So far I've made: 

• 2 baby blankets
• 1 adult blanket
• a baby yoda hat and little yoda booties/socks
• several baby hats ranging from newborn to 6 months
• teething biscuits
• 2 pairs of mittens
• baby headband
• a hexagon drawstring bag with pockets
• crochet 3D hearts
• An over the sofa/arm chair organizer (for remotes, etc to tidy up our sitting room)

aaaaand I'm currently working on a 2nd over the sofa arm organizer for a few friends of mine.

The second mistake I made was starting Cross Stitch. 

My friend Stacey gave me a Peter Rabbit Cross Stitch Kit for my birthday as well as a gift card to Hobbycraft (yes, feed my obsession why don't you! lol). Although the kit was lovely, the pattern had some missing components and me not having done cross stitch ever before was like...uh...I'm gonna eff this up if I attempt it. 

So that cross stitch kit went back and I exchanged it for a tiny little owl cross stitch kit that was only about 3x3 inch. I figured...new hobby...I'll start small and see how I get on because the instructions on the bigger kit blew my mind anyway. Tedious and hard, cross stitch had a few challenges that got me frustrated, like trying to create a 'curve' in the pattern (the eyes) when stitches are a straight line. I kept having to pick out stitches and try the same section over and over again until my perfectionist side was satisfied.

And although it didn't seem like much, that little square took me a fair few hours to complete (I work on it for about a week, but only in short bursts of a few minutes each day, or a few hours in the evening while I got time to listen to my audio book). 

Naturally, I bought another kit....that's probably 50x the size of the owl. 

I'm a martyr when it comes to crafting I swear. 

I saw this Mr. Men/Little Miss Height Chart Cross Stitch Kit and I thought it would be a great idea to make for Henry and any other kids we have in the future to mark their height on a chart (as opposed to the traditional destructive 'marks on the wall' growth chart). But it is a full sized height chart, roughly about 60inches tall, and 8 inches wide. 

So I went from doing Cross stitch for the VERY FIRST TIME, doing a 3x3in square, to my SECOND project of a 60x8 inch banner. 

For reference, I laid the little owl cross stitch on top of the Height Chart Pattern....that is only 1 of 3 pages of pattern for this project. 

Yep. Definitely crazy. 

I'll probably still being cross stitching this by the time Henry goes to Reception (Kindergarden) at age 5, but whatever. It will be an achievement when it's all finished. 

Moral of the story: Don't let your friends give you new crafts....you will slowly spiral into obsession and bite off more than you can chew. 

(Just kidding Stacey, Lucie & Simon...I love your gifts and I love that you gave me new craft hobbies, otherwise I wouldn't have bought so much stuff, would I?!). 

"If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change." - Gandhi

PLEASE read. Even if you don't think you need to....you do. Please read. 

This week has opened my eyes to so many things and I'd like to share with you what I've learned without making it about me. Everyone must fight for equality, for justice, for black lives that have been so heavily disregarded. WE MUST CHANGE. WE MUST ALL BE BETTER.  

1. BLACK LIVES MATTER - there is no argument. 

Cast aside any thought of 'but ALL lives matter'. Yes, all lives do matter, supposing that they were all equally valued to begin with--but they never have. [[....but if it helps you (Karen), then add a 'too' to the end of that statement. (Black Lives Matter too)...just do it in your head so the ignorance doesn't leak out.]] The point is not valuing one life over another overall. The point is that, let's face it, black lives have gotten the short end of the stick since the beginning of time.  

  

Ethnic minorities have been the subject of many hate crimes. Never more so within the black community because society has perpetuated the thought of 'black'=bad, something to be feared. Black people are seen as aggressive, hot-tempered, angry, feral, etc and maybe over time some of those stereotypes have become true for some people because they have been pushed into that box for so long, but it is in NO way the ACTUAL truth for the majority of black people. 

Because of these stereotypes, black people are stopped by police for no reason, they are arrested for no reason, they are prosecuted for no reason, they are KILLED for no reason...other than the colour of their skin. That is wrong. So, yes Black Lives Matter. End of Story. 

2. White Privilege NEEDS TO BE ABOLISHED

White Privilege is something that has been ingrained in society for a very long time. IT MUST STOP. This is one of the hardest things to change because it has gone on for so long and it's so deeply rooted in the world today that most people don't even realize it. 

It's called Unconcious bias: inherent or learned stereotypes about people that everyone forms without realizing it

There's unconscious bias in loads of things, and it's almost inescapable. For example, when someone says 'doctor' and 'nurse', the unconscious bias will assume that the Doctor profession is held by a man, and the Nurse profession is held by a woman. Not all people will think this way, but as a society we are programmed with certain unconscious biases from when we are children. 

White Privilege starts with that unconscious bias thinking (like the stereotype that all 'foreigners' learn to speak English'), and ends with us breaking the cycle. 

Like the quote above states: IF WE COULD CHANGE OURSELVES, THE TENDENCIES IN THE WORLD WOULD ALSO CHANGE. 

Just in case you didn't realize...White Privilege is:

• Having strangers be friendlier to you, than to a person of colour because you're not seen as different or undesirable/unwanted
• Being seen as more trustworthy than a person of colour
• Speaking out/up or talking back to authority with limited repercussions
• Potentially being given a lighter/easier sentence for wrong doings
• Being favoured for opportunities (being given a promotion, entry into University, getting a job, buying a house, etc) 
• Having an inherently higher economic status than a person of colour
• Being seen or heard more than a person of colour
• Not having to fear for your life every minute of the day
• More freedom

This is by no means an exhaustive list. White privilege is all around us and it has grown like a monster through years and years of existence.

Think about this: 

In 1669, in Virginia the general assembly made it okay for 'masters' to molest or kill their negro slaves and not be charged for murder. It was called, "An Act About the Casuall Killing of Slaves". 

CASUAL killing....like it's no big deal. *sigh* ....Let's take it in comparison to the social norm of today and say that 'slavery/servitude' means anything customer service related in the home (cleaners, gardeners, babysitters, etc).... that meant, essentially, you could murder your gardener and it wouldn't be considered a felony. 

Let that sink in. 

How messed up is that? Since the beginning of American history African Americans had no chance of starting off on equal footing with their white counterparts because of the insane privilege that granted laws like this existing. 

3. Black Lives Matter is not just 'a US problem'

This is an issue for ALL black people, world wide. This simply does not just effect The US, or even only English speaking countries. 

I think because American people pride themselves SOOOOOOOO much on their freedoms, that's why we hear a lot about the protests in America. It doesn't mean that it doesn't happen anywhere else, it's just a case of 'Who shouts the loudest'. 

4. You Don't Have to be Black to Support Black Lives / Silence is submission

Don't make the mistake that I did and remain silent because it's 'not our fight'. Of course this is our fight. It's everyone's fight! Supporting Black Lives is not exclusive. It doesn't matter what race you are, what gender, what social status, where you come from.... all that matters is that you care about people's lives and correcting years and years of wrong. 

I hear a lot of comments about 'We'll I'm not racist, I love black people', or 'I have black friends, I can't be racist'. First of all: STOP. Just stop and think how you sound if you've ever stated something like that. 

Secondly, it's not enough to just be 'not racist', we have to be actively ANTI-racist. If you say nothing, and do nothing then you are accepting that this is the status quo and that black lives are treated as less than everyone else. 

5. What Can I Do To Help? 

So, what everyone can do to help...... 

Amplify Black voices: share posts on social media from black creators telling their stories to reach a wider audience in hopes of opening peoples eyes and enacting change. 

Speak up: It's okay if you are not black, you can still stand up for black people NOT being heard and speak on behalf of the millions of voices that are getting ignored. Talk with people you know, have difficult conversations with your family and friends about why supporting black lives, matters. 

Donate: There are so many causes to donate to from helping families of victims pay for funeral costs, to raising money for bail bond funds for those wrongfully thrown in jail with no means of posting bail. 

Sign Petitions: Again, loads of petitions for a variety of things including getting police officers charged with murder for certain cases of police brutality, DE-funding the police and re-investing into poorer communities heavily populated by POC, and taking away police riot gear like rubber bullets that are EXTREMELY harmful to protesters and used way too often to be deemed necessary. 

Write to Governments & VOTE!: As well as signing petitions, you can go straight to your local governments by writing a heartfelt letter about things you wish to change. Or, if you just want to do the bare minimum, use your right to VOTE to enact change in relevant bills on local and national electoral ballots! True democracy is a government FOR the people. If enough people shout loudly at the government for change, it is the duty of governing bodies to listen to their people and DO something about it. 

Protest: March with people all over the world who are protesting (hopefully peacefully, but years of oppression warrants a little frustration- remember that) to get seen and heard and start conversations with people and change minds, to bring attention to governing bodies who have ignored black voices. And again, if you are white, going to protests will amplify black voices as you stand in solidarity with them. 

Educate yourself: If nothing else, learn about the black lives matter movement. Learn all that you can about the history of oppression surrounding black lives and why it's so important to stand up and speak out. Learn the history of black culture. Open your eyes to white privilege and recognize how damaging it is to the black community. Read books. Watch documentaries. Listen to Podcasts. Watch TV/Movies with a heavily black cast which supports black creators. Support Black businesses to help the community thrive. 

PARENTS--Educate your children: It's heartbreaking to know that most black children get 'the talk' at a young age about how they need to act around law enforcement in order to come home to their family ALIVE. 

White parents....It's our turn to speak up too. Don't let the cycle of unconscious bias and racism get to your children. Teach them to be kind. Teach them to speak up if they see injustice in the world. Teach them that people will be unkind to those with darker skin tones and that is wrong, and to say something if they see it happening.  

We all have a part to play in ending racism. We all have a part to play in helping black lives not only survive but thrive. And nothing you do in the list above can be deemed 'not enough' or 'not worth it'. It all adds up to change. We can do this, together, as long as we do SOMETHING. 

Silence is Submission. 

Silence is as good as being racist. 

For a great curated site of petitions, ways to contact your governments, protest smart info, and more resources to educate yourself (Books, movies, podcasts, etc)  CLICK HERE. Also, visit the official movement website at https://blacklivesmatter.com/

Thoughts on George Floyd Headlines

I know my last post hit a political point as well, but this needs to be said. 

With everything in the media going on, there's a lot of conversation surrounding what happened to George Floyd, the black lives matter movement, and police brutality. This is by no means new, it's not surprising, but it doesn't make it any less wrong. 

Today I re-posted on Facebook what a friend of mine said on the subject because there's little more I could add to it without making it seem redundant. After thinking about it, there are only a few things I can say from my point of view. 

1. Black Lives Matter vs. All Lives Matter - Although I do not subscribe to the 'all lives matter' movement, I do believe that every life should be weighed equally and that ALL LIVES do in fact matter. However, I realize that would suggest that all lives started off on the same playing field, which they of course do not. Some (myself included) are more privileged than others. 

Unfortunately, history has shown that in the majority there has never been an equal start between different people (in race, religion, nationality, sex, etc). 

Women's suffrage.... did it change things? yes. Has it demolished sexism? no. 

Abolishing slavery....did it change things? yes. Has it gone away completely? nope

Civil Rights Movement....did it change things? yes. Does that mean Racism is gone? absolutely not

Where there is a clear divide in social class, there is a growing amount of life privilege, and as history has shown it is incredibly hard to get rid of no matter how hard people fight for equality.

This videos is a great example of 'Life Privilege':

2. Protests & Riots are NOT the same thing - There are so many posts going on about how people in Minneapolis are burning down stores, looting businesses in 'protest' or to 'get justice' for George Floyd. I can't even...fathom... just no people. no. I saw this video on Facebook that I agree whole heatedly with: 

https://www.facebook.com/terrencekwilliams/videos/708753572999408

Cliff notes version: 

• Stealing TVs is not getting justice
• Burning down a Target is not going to bring George Floyd back
• You've just taken away jobs from people in your community that NEED it to survive
• Destroying your own neighborhood is antithetical to what you're trying to achieve
• Go Home

3. I am part of the problem - I am fully aware that I am a privileged white girl. Most of the reason why I don't speak up about the injustice of racial headlines is because I feel like it would by hypocritical and none of my business. I see it as the same way I see the United States getting involved in foreign conflicts -- "We're bigger, badder and better than you little country, so we'll just come over and fight your war for you". No. Don't be a dick about it U.S.A. And I refuse to be a dick either and butt in when I've not been asked to.

But I'm beginning to realize now through other people's posts that me staying silent is perpetuating the problem. I'm inadvertently accepting racism as the status quote by not speaking out or acting on my beliefs- It's wrong. Police Brutality is wrong. The fact that racism is still alive and kicking is wrong. People say that racism is 'getting worse' and that's SO not true.

In a era where everything is documented on social media with videos and pictures, it's getting harder for people to ignore. Hate crimes continue to be caught on film and spread on the internet like wild fire. Each time it doesn't mean there's more of it in the world, it just means that people are wise enough to film what is happening and spread awareness.  

I myself have not publicly witnessed anything like the brutal death of George Floyd, but I have been in the presence of people who make racial slurs and comments. The only thing I have done up until now has been to scoff and call them out on their racist comments. Best believe THAT isn't going to stop anytime soon. I will continue to speak up about how distasteful those slurs are, but now I have the job as a parent to make sure that my little boy knows that while he is so blessed, others are not as lucky and it will be up to us to try and end the cycle along with so many others.

(Thank you Adam, for the following article on this subject:

BLACK PARENTS KNOW ABOUT "THE TALK" - WHITE PARENTS, IT'S YOUR TURN )

I will have to warn my son about the injustices that surround people of racial minorities, people of colour, and that it is wrong. I will teach him to have the courage to speak up against these injustices & how that may save someone's life and make him a superhero in another mother's eyes. 

In the end, I know now that I'm not 'fighting others battles'. I am refusing to be complacent & I'm promising to teach my son not to be complacent either. The Cycle must end. There has to be a better future for our kids, especially for black men and women who fear for their lives because of dipshit bigots. 

Why I love Kpop

(DISCLAIMER: I apologize for the length....I'm just so passionate when I geek out. I've tried to be articulate. lol) 

I get a lot of comments about my love of kpop -- mostly sneers and scoffing to be honest. I think it's worse now that 'kpop' has broken into American pop culture and people who think they know kpop only know 2 groups- BTS or Blackpink. So when I mention now a days that I love Kpop, people who have heard the unnecessary hype surrounding these two idol groups usually generates a sigh of disappointment for following such a ridiculous trend.

I have lived my life NOT following the crowd, so loving an obscure genre of Korean pop music since 2012 is not out of character for me. Let that sink in--2012. I've loved Kpop nearly as long as my marriage. 

I started getting into Kpop after watching a youtube video reviewing the most notable kpop songs. I checked out some of the music videos for those songs and I was hooked. At the time I had just moved to the UK and in hindsight it's when I started to feel like I could be diagnosed with generalized Anxiety and Depression (but that's a subject for another time). The Kpop world was way too fascinating to let go and in a way I used it as a sort of escapism from my reality whenever I went into one of my low moods. I still do actually.

The Kpop world is fun, energetic, colorful, full of expression, theatrical, and intense. I'll never forget, one of the very first music videos I saw was for a song called 'Mama' by (my now favorite) group, E.X.O.

1. GROUP CONFIGURATIONS: 
Part of the reason I fell so deep into my love of Exo were the concepts and configuration of the band. So, the configuration first....

Kpop, Jpop, Mpop groups...they have a broader goal in mind, of reaching a wider audience. This is why half of the music is peppered with other languages, most often English. Then they have tactical strategies for reaching more listeners.

For example, when EXO was first formed, the group had 12 members. They split into two sub-units: EXO-K (Korean), and EXO-M (Mandrian). The goal was to promote EXO-K in Korean, and EXO-M to the Chinese audience. The industry is manipulative AF but they can't be faulted for their marketing techniques.


2. THE CONCEPTS:
The Concepts for idol groups range from Aeygo(cute) to more sexy & serious tones. Generally Kpop tends to go on the cute, bubbly, colorful, innocent side of things, with upbeat catchy tunes that are very 90s girl band or boy band-esque. Then you have the just absolutely CRAZY, out of this world, bonkers concepts (aliens hailing from another planet, post-apocalyptic world, living dolls, cross dressing, etc) that are equally fun to delve into.

3. THE MUSIC: 
Like I said, kpop is generally very 90s pop boy/girl band....but dialed up to 11. They are SO catchy, you will find yourself humming along to a song you've never heard before, because you've heard it once in the background somewhere ("Gangnam Style" anyone?). Just like the 90s era of American pop groups, the music can be upbeat and fun, a gritty/angsty/often hiphop vibe, or some sweet tender ballads.

Another reason why I like the music so much is that no matter how carefully constructed the industry is, there is A LOT of heart in the performances of this genre. The ballads make you yearn for romance. The upbeat tunes will pull you out of any slump and instantly put you in a fantastic positive mood. And the gritty/edgier tunes are really powerful and often contain a lot of rap lines in the midst of the song.

(One of my favorite raps is strangely enough by a member of BTS, Suga, although his solo ventures he goes by AgustD. In this rap below, the lyrics are about his struggle as an idol and how it basically fucked with his mental health.)

And one more thing, the vocals on these performers are intense. I know some of the male idols have REALLY high registers and can sing covers of soprano vocalists in their original key which is just awesome. There's also something to be said about idol groups who are so perfectly matched with one another that they bring harmonies so sweet it is literal music to your ears. Some of the best LIVE performances I've watched on youtube are from kpop idols because they train to be live 100% of the time, while carrying out heavy dance choreography.

4. THE CULTURE
Idol groups are a weird thing. There is a BIG desire for Korean youngsters to 'make it' as an idol. Basically, they can be recruited or auditioned as early as like 10 years old, go through YEARS of intensive 'idol training' and if they are good enough, they get matched with other trainees and put into an idol group to debut.

Once they become trainees they have to follow some CRAZY rules-- the usual loosing weight/dieting, following a strict training/practice regiment, being split up by gender (99% of idol groups are either all boys, or all girls. There are only 2 mixed gender groups/duos that I know of and they didn't last long). Idols are also, not allowed to date unless it was arranged by the record label, they can't be friends with any idols from a rival record company, they must live in dorms with their other 'band' mates & they aren't allowed to drink/smoke/go clubbing in order to maintain a squeaky clean image. Oh, not to mention most of their earnings go straight back into the company.

The Kpop industry is messed up and I kind of feel bad for perpetuating it's success, but it is so fascinating to me and part of that has to do with asian culture. Part of the reason why most kpop has that clean image is because it's a cultural thing to hang on to that innocence of youth. It's the opposite of American 'sex sells' attitude. You watch any Korean romantic drama and the main characters don't kiss until like the 20th episode, whereas most American TV shows have a reference to sex within the first 5 minutes of episode one. I love that, the coyness of it all and it translates into that overly cute and bubbly side to Kpop. Even the songs that are more on the 'sexy' side, when idols are interviewed about them it's hilarious to watch them panic about not saying anything dirty while still promoting their song.

5. THE DANCING
Kpop dances are choreographed dancing to the extreme. Everything from perfectly synchronized dancing, to elaborate staging choreography, not to mention some of the most intense dance moves that make your head go 'WTF just happpened?' in 0.5 seconds.

I have a few favorite kpop dancers that just exude emotion through their bodies when they're on stage. Kai from EXO is one of those to watch. He has a background in Ballet and although you wouldn't know it from the Sexy way he performs on stage, he is actually extremely self conscious and shy off stage:

Ten from NCT/WayV is also a favorite dancer of mine. This dance choreography that him and fellow idol WinWin did to Billie Eilish 'Lovely' is just simple and powerful. I've never been into sort of lyrical or contemporary dancing, but this is just beautiful:

BoA - she is on another level. One of the 1st kpop dancers that made mainstream kpop more choreography driven. I also love seeing female hiphop dancers because I cannot move like this and I wish I could:

6. THE MUSIC VIDEOS
Seriously, the music videos are theatrical masterpieces. Full realized concepts and they don't hold back. It's a production for sure. Costume, Hair, makeup, sets, choreography, voice overs, digital effects,... honestly no expense is spared in making kpop music videos. It's like watching a mini movie and they are so engaging to watch and visually stunning.

                                

 

                                

7. THE VISUALS
Basically....they're all so pretty. From cute, to sexy... I can't get enough of Korean idols.

Here are my favourite examples...
SAME GUY.... different styles. The Left picture of each is representing their 'cute' or softer side, and the right the more edgy, or sexy side. I love the dichotomy of Korean pop idols. 

Above: Baekhyun of  EXO & SuperM



Chanyeol of EXO

G-Dragon of Big Bang

Kai of EXO & SuperM

Mark Lee of NCT & SuperM

Sehun of EXO

Taemin of Shinee & SuperM

Ten from WayV & SuperM

Dreams

In retrospect I've been one of those people who has a track record of mostly crazy realistic dreams. For some reason when I actually remember my dreams they are of the most mundane things, sometimes completely believable or normal things but mashed together in time. 

For instance, on the completely believable side I remember having a dream the summer before I started high school. In real life I was preparing to audition to be placed in a certain theater class for when I started my freshman year, In my dream, this was still the same case, although I had already auditioned and was waiting with baited breathe by the phone for the result. In my dream, I received a message on the house answering machine basically I did SO terrible that they didn't want me in any theater productions. 

My other type of believable dreams are the ones where everything individually in my dream seems plausible that would happen, but the details together don't make sense. Like my brain would take different parts of my life, different times and mash them together. For example, I had a dream where my mum and dad were living in England and they were over just having a chat and talking about about Henry. It felt so real that this conversation happened, in my house in England, yet my father passed before we moved and more to the fact, they've never lived in England. 

I should also mention that I have been known to have deja vu dreams. 

A few times in my life I have had one of my seemingly ordinary dreams, then weeks or months later EXACTLY what I experienced in my dream would come true in real life. So far they have been very mundane things (driving past my middle school and remembering very specific details about the houses, the pedestrians, the other cars on the road, etc). These of course could be chalked up to my unconscious memory picking up details in the background of my life that I have never noticed before. It doesn't make it any less freaky when a scene of something enters my field of vision and I have major dream deja vu. 

Still, when I can remember my dreams and it's something completely realistic, I get very wary. 

I just had a dream the other night that we were still in lock down and I had a skype conversation with friends who basically said that they hated me and didn't want to be friends after lock down lifted. This, although seems harsh, would be 100% believe in my life as I have been betrayed by so called 'friends' before...not once...not twice...it's happened a few times okay!?(those are stories for another time). So the idea of friends just up and being done with me is not completely unrealistic. 

Worst Apocalypse Ever

So besides the fact that there's a raging disease circling the earth and there are no zombies, no dystopian futuristic happenings, things still aren't looking good... 

All of the preparing mega nerds did, having thoughts of 'What would I do in this situation?' when watching World War Z, Contagion, The Purge, etc has simply gone to waste thus far during this global pandemic. BUT WAIT! There's still time!

According to the recent announcement in the UK, from Monday people may now gather in groups of up to 6 people in gardens or other privately owned outdoor spaces, provided they keep 2 metres apart. There is more guidance on this than from any other press junket, but it still seems like bloody common sense to me: 

• "Try to avoid seeing people from too many households in quick secession" to help "avoid the risk of transmission from lots of different families"
• Those deemed most vulnerable should still isolate themselves
• People still need to be vigilant in maintaining good hygiene and social distancing 

Duh.

It's safe to say from my previous posts that I will not be going out and enjoying any backyard BBQs anytime soon. 

I think it's nice that people are able to see their friends and family again--to boost moral, manage signs of depression, spend time with loved ones whom are having a hard time, etc. But I also think that this change to regulations is coming too soon, especially with previous lock down adjustments (surely people should have been able to see their families first in private gardens before being allowed to exercise with members of another household in public outdoor spaces where let's face it, after the restriction changed was a bit more packed than usual). 

Until there is significant change in the rate of infection and it looks like this thing can finally be beat, I will be earring on the side of caution. As much as I want to see my loved ones and be social again, I think the risk outweighs that desire. 

My anxiety has been through the roof anyway and I think that being near other people (even distancing) in a private social gathering would set me off more than just simply staying home and using skype/zoom/video messenger to see people. All it would take is for a friend to invite me to a BBQ, where one of the 6 people have not been social distancing properly, or picked up COVID during a supermarket shop and from plating up food, to eating someone hasn't washed their hands and I've contracted it unknowingly. 

In my opinion, part of the reason this adjustment is happening now is because there's been quite the scandal going on with one of the Prime Minister's chief advisors, Dominic Cummings.

The above Facebook 'Event' has been created to make light of the current headlines.

Long story short, a civil servant broke the law. On March 27th, Dominic Cummings drove roughly 260 miles with his family to be with relatives when his wife developed COVID-19 symptoms

There's a lot of other BS involved in it and it looks so much like a political cover up, but the main point is that prime minister Boris Johnson went on record in a press conference right after the press had a conniption fit about this scandal, and he defended Cummings actions saying, "I do not mark him down for that"... "He has acted, responsibly, and legally, and with integrity."

Well that's a bunch of bull because the prime minister himself has told the British population on live television the contrary multiple times: 

• March 16th: "If you or anyone in your household has one of those two symptoms [high temperature or new and continuous cough] then you should stay at home for fourteen days." 
  
  
• March 18th: "Everyone. EVERYONE must follow the advice to protect themselves and their families, but also more importantly to protect the wider public. So STAY AT HOME for 7 days if you think you have symptoms...whole household to stay at home for 14 days if one member of that household thinks that he/she has the symptoms... "
  
  
• March 23rd: " You must stay at home, because the critical thing we must do to stop the disease spreading between households. That is why people will only be allowed to leave their home for the following very limited purposes: ...[shopping for essentials, exercise, to help vulnerable people, to travel to work]... That's all..... You should not be meeting family members who do not live in your home."

Ergo, the British people are maaaaaaad and for good reason. The commoners are told to do one thing while the elite are allowed to do another? Smells like Favoritism to me.