Its a Small World after all (Manifesto-Part 1)

One of the hardest things for me to do is keep my mouth shut when there is injustice. Seriously, I once got detention when I was 12 for getting into a physical fight with a bully after she wouldn’t stop tormenting a girl younger than us at school. Was it right to fight verbal violence with physical violence? Probably not. But I couldn’t just stand there and watch while this younger girl was being bullied. I don’t tolerate bullies.

As I got older I learned to hold back my fists and try to talk things out whenever I was faced with a problem. Slowly over time I learned to pick and choose when to speak up about my discomfort in something, and when it just wasn’t worth it to leave well enough alone. For the past 2 years I've had an onslaught of bad interactions with a local business that i used to love. I feel like ive turned a blind eye to some bad business practices, shrugged off some less than desireable conversations and just learned to solider on. For probably longer than two years, I’ve been supressing my thoughts about this establishment, because if I spoke up it would be a futile effort and the outcome wouldn’t be the most desirable.

Do you know those people that just can’t take constructive criticism? That everything you say in trying to help them is seen as a personal attack? For example, a director might tell an actor that they need to enunciate their words better when reciting lines on stage. A good actor would take the note and enunciate their words clearer, while someone else would grumble and moan about it being the director’s fault (bad hearing, etc) for not understanding the words. The business owner I have grievances with is an example of the later and it’s the main reason why I haven’t said anything until now.

To put it even more in perspective, I once complimented this business owner for hiring such an amazing member of staff in regards to a new employee. Instead of feeling pride for their ability to hire the right people that heighten their business, this owner looked offended. It was almost as if they thought I held their new employee in higher regard than I held them and it was completely unacceptable. What was meant to be a complement of their hiring skills was taken as a personal attack.

So when I say that I haven’t spoken up for fear of the backlash, just know this: Even when I mean to compliment them, their narcissistic tendencies somehow have twisted the compliment on their staff into a negative reflection of themselves; therefore, anything actually negative about them would surely have a more volatile outcome.

  The reason I speak about this now is because I see so many of my friends suffering with the same or similar grievances and it breaks my heart. I’m hoping that by writing all of this down that not only will I be unburdening myself of all these toxic feelings I’ve been harbouring, but anyone who has suffered the same wrongs will not feel as alone. 

Know that you are welcome to come and talk to me freely without fear of judgement or retaliation – a safe space to air your grievances instead of holding it in inside.  

First of all let me preface this by saying that anyone who knows this establishment and knows me will know exactly who and what I am referring to. I know that for every one person who will be on my side because they have experienced similar things, there will be an army of loyal followers who will rally against me…and that’s okay. I would just ask those who will take up arms against my words that you truly look deep within yourself and ask ‘Is it necessary?’ , ‘Is this my fight?’, ‘Will it change how I feel if I bully someone for stating their opinion?’ I am not here to tear people down or tell you what to do, I am simply stating my opinions and that facts I have to justify those feelings, so please choose to be kind, not blindly loyal.

I have known many strong independent business owners, and while they may not operate on a ‘perfect image’ corporate level, they still all have a level of tact because they know they are the face of their business. I have NEVER experienced the level of unprofessionalism that this individual presents as a business person. There is a long list of grievances that I have both personal and about the business practices. I won’t dwell on the petty “he said, she said” antics, but I will express how this establishment has affected my mental health. And because I have a lot to say, I will be separating these into different blogs so they are easier to digest.

For now, here is the vaguest overview of the turn of events that brought on the need to write this series of essays and air my grievances:

In the last year and a half, I have not given my patronage to this business more than twice due to my pregnancy and being post-partum, however I have been roped into drama unnecessarily.

I haven’t physically set foot in the business since January. I have not engaged in any contact with the business or its owner, even on social media, in so long because of the toxic atmosphere I feel and wanting to remove myself from that circle and move forward with my life.

The last time this business owner was in contact with me via message/social media was June.

 I received a Whatsapp message from said business owner, asking if I could let them know what they’ve done to upset me.

 

Up until now, I have stuffed down my feelings. I have silently removed myself from the situation to save my sanity and not rock the boat in the process. But due to my past of having been ‘ghosted’ without explanation by so-called-friends, I felt it would be hypocritical of me to do the same. So, in the most kind and articulate way I could muster at 10-o-clock at night, I sent that person a message back, saying just that.

What I was sent back was somewhat of a surprise- an olive branch. A chance to meet up and air not only my grievances, but present the concerns of many other patrons I’ve talked to on the subject. I think the exact words i got from the business owners response was “…I would actually love to hear more about this so I can work on this and hope no one ever feels this way in the future...”

                Although I was not happy to be a bearer of bad news, I was excited at the prospect of this individual finally being open to feedback. Myself and countless others who have been jilted by this business would finally have a chance to be heard in hopes that things would change for the better. But this dream may have been to short lived. In the midst of back and forth messages trying to arrange a time for a meeting, my final message bounced back. It was sent, but never delivered. The message was never seen.

In fact, it took a friend of mine to casually mention that she was blocked on social media by this same individual, for me to actually investigate if I had been blocked in the same capacity. I checked my Whatsapp message….found it wasn’t ‘delivered’ and then noticed that this person’s contact picture had disappeared from the conversation ‘bubble’. I checked facebook…can’t see their profile (aka blocked). I checked Instagram…also invisible to me (aka blocked again).

Just when I imagined that things could be resolved, and a meeting would be held to have a civil conversation I surmise that it was all pomp and circumstance and a meeting was never going to happen anyway. In a last attempt to make things right, I sent an e-mail… something that hasn’t been blocked…to the business and announced that although the act of blocking me was unprofessional, I was still genuinely willing to give them the feedback they asked for.

 I don’t know what will come of this, or if it will be an never-ending saga. I don’t know if they ever truly desired the feedback and to grow their business into something better for the future, or if it was all a façade. ….All I know is that it has gone this far and I would be remiss if I didn’t speak up for the dozens of people I personally know that have suffered trauma, mental anguish, exploitation, low self-esteem, injustice, and unfair encounters with this person and their business, especially when so many have claimed it to be their ‘happy place’ in the past.

It begs the question...was it ever a happy place? Was it my version of Disneyland? Or are we all looking through rose tinted glasses and eventually find out that its Dismaland after all? 

The onset of late night anxiety

So heres a fun little insight into anxiety...its a pain in the ass. It rarely ever goes away and you can only learn to mange it, or try and numb it for a little while. Thats why people who arent on anxiety medication usually turn to drugs, drinking, gambling or sex to distract themselves from the anxiety that gets overwhelming from time to time. I wrote a little prose (would you call this prose?) In the moment of an anxiety episode i had to illustrate what goes on when i have an attack. 

I wrote this drunk, whilst having an attack so forgive me if its a little disorganised-its just how thoughts raced through my mind at the time. whats that phrase?...was it Hemmingway that said "write drunk, edit sober"? Well, that's what happened here.  Enjoy.

"Missed messages on my notification widget of my phone. Oh now. That name. Not again. Heart palpitations. Why me? Why this? What now? Should i look? Should i not? Its gonna bug me if i dont. But then im damned if i look cause theyll see i read the message. Do i leave it until tomorrow? I wont be able to get to sleep. Ill keep wondering what they want. 

Fuck it. Im opening it. 

Okay. Its not so bad. But now ive read it. Do i reply? Do i not reply? Do i leave if and reply tomorrow? No, ill be up all night trying to think of what to say. I wont sleep. Best write something now. But what to say? I dont want to. I just want this to go away. I cant deal.

The impending doom creeps over me like a fog, enveloping my senses in its dark dreary matter. Anxiety. Its here and its staying. I sigh and steady myself. Time to craft a response.

A moment later...

SEND. There. Its done. I can go to sleep now.... except i cant. My mind races. I cant stop thinking about the words in my message. What will they think? What will they say? Will i get backlash from the proverbial shit hitting the fan? I need to relax. I need to go to bed-look at the time. But i cant sleep when im like this. My mind racing like the beating of hummingbirds wings,faster and faster as i try to leave my body and fly away to escape my current misfortune. 

I put my headphone on and crank up some tunes hoping to drown out the noise that my anxiety is making. My anxiety is unwelcome noise, like a poorly practiced music student screeching irritating cords on an ill-fated stringed instrument. The music, although lovely and enjoyable, does not compare to the ruckus my anxiety makes. I need something more. 

As i pace downstairs i pass the liqour cabinet, something i rarely touch now a days. 

Fuck it. Im having a drink. 

A nice drink, amaretto, i like amaretto...straight. thatll get me buzzed enough to shut my brain up. But wait, next to it...Bourbon. thats stronger. I dont much care for the taste on its own, but with my sweet favourite amaretto....and double the spirits. That'll do. 

I grab both bottles and begin mixing the concoction. No mixers. Just straight proof. I need sleep. I dont want to feel this anxiety. I justify my actions as i take swig after swig of the amber liquid, each time feeling the anxiety fading into the background. 

I change up my plan and try putting on an audio book ive listened to before and concentrate on visualizing a detailed picture of the scene and characters as the narrators describes it all in detail. I engrose myself in it, until in my mind pops up the text. No... NO. I push it down and try and focus on the audiobook again. I can feel the haze of the alcohol taking effect as a drift in and out of torn thoughts. 

<His hair was the colour of ink on stained parchment of his face>

...my mind drifts from the narration as it continues to play....

I wonder if they'll reply now; my thoughts overlap the narrators voice in my ears.

I quickly put the conversation on mute so i can focus solely on relaxing with my audiobook and head to bed. If i can go to bed before X time then i will get enough sleep before i have to wake up for work tomorrow morning...must concentrate on my book. Focus solely on the book....

I can feel the spirits working as they flush through my system and my brain slows down enough to switch from one train of thought to another in a slower dopey way...

<Lazily, he ran a rough hand through his dark hair and glanced at the french doors.....>

Slowly again my attention drifts. For a few seconds its floating high above me, not engrossed in the story that has now faded away and i can no longer hear the narration. It takes a while before it comes back down to my body and im thinking of how it tingles from the sensation of being drunk and i am suddenly aware of my new slowed conciousness. Good its working...it wont be long now ..."

That's all i wrote. I know its bad to self medicate with alcohol, but sometimes its just what needs to be done for a temporary reprieve. This all reminds me of some Green Day Lyrics and they couldnt be more relevant: 

Take away the sensation inside

Bitter sweet migraine in my head

It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind

I can't take this feeling anymore

A Brush with a death sentence - A COVID Tale

Let me start by saying.... I do NOT have COVID. No one in my FAMILY has COVID. As far as I am aware we've never HAD COVID. And I'm pretty sure from the start of my tale, that it was never going to BE COVID-19! Now That that's settled....

One thing that this pandemic has certainly pulled out of me is the crazy. My anxiety has been through the roof about contracting covid and every little thing I do has to be done with extra EXTRA precaution. I've been exhibiting very 'health anxious' behaviors that I'd never had before. But along side these new behaviors, my old habits have been creeping back again. 

I said before that one of my anxious behavior 'ticks' is the picking at imperfections on my skin...and if they are close to me: other's. I have been known to pop pimples on my face and hubby's face when he gets an ingrown hair. I've tormented our poor cat, picking at scabs he's gotten from fighting other neighborhood cats. And as of late this picking behavior has extended to the impulse to pick my son's scabs as well. I really REALLY have to watch my behavior around him and in fact I call the day a win if I turn to the cat or myself rather than baby boy's afflictions. 

The other anxious behavior that has come out recently has been my 'inconvenience' anxiety. I have a real big hang up about inconveniencing people. I have been known to stall a car multiple times because I'm so worried about stalling and holding up the line of cars behind me that it makes me more nervous and more likely to stall. I've also been known to fumble and drop my coin pouch and all it's contents on the floor because I'm worried that paying in change(which is all I had) would take too long that the cashier would be upset with me, I would delay those in line behind me, and just generally annoy everyone. Point is, my hang up about keeping people waiting, or holding others up, or any other type of mild convenience is a big deal for me. And when I get anxious I often make mistakes and get very depressed and hard on myself. 

So, how does this fit in with COVID? We'll I'll tell you. The story actually begins with Henry starting Nursery and me going back to work. Let me just say that every nursery or day care worker will tell you that Nursery and Day Cares are a germ infested playground. Even in the welcome packet we got when we signed Henry up to Nursery said expect your child to come home with more than a few colds (and eventually their immune system will grow because of it). This being the way things are, we think that Henry did pick something up at Nursery because he started to get a snotty nose. 

Jumping back to me returning to work for a second.... I had to delay my first day back in the office on Monday because someone we had been in contact with had a covid scare-- turns out.... Not covid. Just a high fever because of another medical condition.  So I already inconvenienced work for the first time, just after a week of working from home. 

When baby boy got sick, that meant mommy started to get sick too. Now when mommy gets sicks, she gets sick HARD. At first I was at work on Thursday, feeling like I had something stuck in my throat all day and trying to wiggle it out by clearing my throat continuously. But then when I was at home and I could cough and hack and clear it properly, it turned out that what I was faced with was a case of acute bronchitis. It was bad enough not to want to spread my germs around the office but I had a clear head so I told work that I was able to power through and work from home on Friday. Strike two for inconveniencing work in my book. 

The whole weekend I stayed in with baby boy, and tried to rest as much as I could but when it came to Sunday night and the coughing up green phlegm hadn't stopped it was time to tell work that I was going to take Monday as a sick day. One more day and it should be all fine. It still makes me nervous and I count that as a strike three for inconveniencing work. 

Well, word got around that I wasn't feeling well and Rob got sent home from work Sunday night and was told that he couldn't come back until I took a COVID test and it was negative. So, begrudgingly (cause I'll reiterate...I'm pretty sure it wasn't COVID. just my stupid broncitis flaring up!) I did my adulting thing-- booked a covid test for Monday morning, and emailed Nursery to say Henry wasn't going to be in for his all day session-- and then had a mental breakdown over the numerous accounts of inconvenience this has caused those around me: 

1. Rob's work
2. The worry that if I DID have COVID, then Rob's health would also be at risk
3. The Nursery for letting them know so late
4. Henry, for taking him away from Nursery aka interaction with other people
5. My Work--seriously, by this point I feel like it's just taking the piss--Strike Four, and possibly 5, 6, 7 etc if I had to self isolate for any reason 
6. Me, Rob and Henry for having to take Monday to drive to Wales to get a covid test
7. Anyone I've been in contact with over the past two weeks if the test DID come back positive
8. Subjecting myself to sticking a swab up my nose/throat
9.Subjecting baby boy the the torture of sticking a swap up both his nostrils

10. Wasting Government resources

That's the catch 22 of it all. If you tell people you're getting a COVID test, you feel like a leper because if you're getting a test you MUST have COVID. If you get a test and you're negative, it's STILL seen as a bad thing cause you've just wasted a government resource and took a test away from someone who could have actually needed it. 

You can't win with this Covid thing. 

So now that I've inconvienced loads of people, wasted government resources and had a few days of hacking and gaging my guts out to get rid of this thing, I'm back to work because guess what.... my test came back Negative. No COVID. 

Bloody thing needs to go away.....I've had it, officially, with anything COVID adjacent. 

Back to the Office

This is something that I have been dreading for a very long time: returning to the office. 

Not only was I not keen to come off of maternity and get back to work (i miss my mush mush!), but I certainly wasn’t expecting returning to work in the middle of a pandemic. My first week back luckily i worked from home, but this week was the “Reoccupation” of the Registry office- full stop. (Today was my first day back in the actual office due to my own personal circumstance.)

Leading up to this, i had many trepidations surrounding going back into the office. The way it will be is that every other person in the office will be working from home, while the first half work in the office...this way the people who a “In" will be spaced apart. This will happen for 2 week....9 days to be exact  with everyone on Friday of the 2nd week working from home to allow the cleaners to do a deep clean. This will also leave 72 hours between the first group of people occupying the office and the 2nd set of people(the ones working from home to start with) who will occupy the office for the following 2 weeks (or 9 days). And repeat. 

Two days before reoccupation i saw a risk assessment for the office as well as general university guidelines: 

• Wear masks inside while walking around

• Use the hand sanitizer provided at entrances

• Wash hands often and for 20 seconds each time

• Blue roll and antibacterial spray provided in each classroom and in the office. 

• Wipe down desk and work area at the start and end of every day

• Keep your distance 

• Keep left when walking down corridors

• Communication should be through phone, email or video call

• If meeting face to face, keep distance, wear masks and limit to 15minutes

In theory it checks out, but my anxiety brain had more than a little freak out about things. How often are things(door handles, bannisters, etc) cleaned? When will bathrooms be cleaned? How many ppl are allowed in the bathroom at a time? Will we be able to use the kitchens? If so, how often are those cleaned? How many people are allowed in the kitchen at one time? Will there be proper ventilation in the office? How deep are the offices going to be cleaned every fortnight before the swap over of staff? Where will I be able to eat my lunch? Are the outside benches clean? How much cleaning supplies will be offered for us to use in the office? Do i have the right to refuse meeting anyone in person? Who’s going to be la-dee-da on the rules? Can i avoid them?  Will i catch COVID? What will i do if i do get it? What if i pass it on to Henry? Will i show symptoms? How will i know? 

And a myriad of other thoughts. On the surface, i reckon these are normal things to be worried about in a pandemic. I got some of these questions answered the next day but there were too many variables that didn’t add up. Since i was due to come back into the office this week and there was no way around it ive adopted the philosophy that the only one i can count on is me. So i took precautions to make sure all of my bases were covered. 

• Office supplies...my own paper, notebook and pens. There is no sharing. No chance of cross contamination. 

• 5 facemasks: a new one for every day of the week, until they can be laundered

• Personal hand sanitizer dispenser.....

The AWESOME thing about my personal anxiety is that some of my physical symptoms are increased heart rate, sweating, AND impulsive touching of face, chewing on my nails/cuticles, and picking my spots, scabs and other skin imperfections. Now what SHOULDN’T i be doing during a pandemic? ANSWER...all of those things. But being in a pandemic makes me do these behaviours exponentially more depending on how anxious i get. Hence i will be using a bucket ton of hand sanitizer

• Measuring tape and some painters tape: this is so that i can mark out 1Metre around my desk so i know when to tell people to get out of my bubble. 

• A picnic blanket: to sit on outside on the grass when i have my lunch

• The little Book of Mental Health: in case i need advice

• Antibacterial Wipes: these are mostly so that when i do need to use the bathroom i can wipe the door handle, lock, the toilet seat, the flush button, faucet and soap dispenser. I’ll also take these with me when i need to sanitize and there aren’t supplies provided by the university. 

• A variety of cloths to use in conjunction with...

• Anti bacterial spray: because wiping things down twice a day will not be enough

• A plastic bag to put the used cloths into and take home to wash

• My own water bottle

• A back up water bottle to refill

• Lunch, including snacks and soda so there’s no reason to need to visit the on campus shop or canteen. 

• Coffee, Tea, Milk again...so i don’t need to go out of the office for my caffeine fix

• My own Mug, spoon, and fork that i will take home and wash every day. 

• A small tin can to use as a desk trashcan: so i don’t have to keep walking through the office to throw trash away

Everything that I’ve taken in to work with me is to ensure i am as safe and cautious as i can be. Some people might think im over doing it, but the thing about anxiety is that there is no rhyme or reason to it. Even though the risk assessment did its job in stating that security measures had been put in place, i still had a huge distrust that this was the case and that id be safe enough to return to work.

I fully expect that depending on how anxious i get, i may be spending a third of every office working day physically combating COVID.....wiping down desk, phone, computers, sanitizing hands, washing hands, wiping down toilets or door handles, or anything else that gets touched, putting facemasks on or off, walking further to avoid people. There is no knowing what is going to happen and seeing as how i will be sharing the campus and our building with staff and students i feel i need to be extra vigilant. 

So, how was my first day back in the office? Quite frankly...interesting. 

I made sure to allow loads of time to account for travel/traffic, parking, getting my staff card activated, setting up my computer and just generally getting my bearings. I got there 30min early which is what i hoped. Also it helped because I noticed while i was driving that my trousers were inside out...so getting there early gave me time to change too.

Besides the trouser mishap, the 2nd  pitfall?... I had to walk to reception to get my ID card activated since it wouldn’t work at the key activation point in our building. 

Next was tackling the desk. There was hand sanitizer,  paper towels and antibacterial spray in the office(although i couldn’t find it to begin with cause i was looking for stations on the wall, but they were on the ends of desks in the centre of the room).  I wiped down EVERYTHING.  And in fact, i dont think my station had been cleaned at all by cleaning staff over the weekend because there was a lot of dust build-up. I felt bad using up loads of the communal office sanitation supplies that i ended up using my own...which is why i brought it in as well...i wanted to make sure i wasn’t bogarting the supplies, knowing how much id want to keep my station clean. 

I marked down where 1metre (6ft) was with tape on the carpet surrounding my desk. Luckily I’m in a corner, by the windows, so im the furthest away from anyone else, with fresh air, and only 1 way for anyone to approach me. So if anyone does drop in unexpected, if they reach that 1metre line, that is the NOPE ZONE. 

After all the COVID measures were in place, i set up my laptop...but low and behold, nothing was working. I could log on to my computer, but i couldn’t open ANYTHING up because it said my internet wasn’t connected. Basically everything on the network requires internet connection. So I spent the better part of the day waiting....and waiting...and on the phone to IT to get my internet to play ball so that i could do some actual work. 

The only GOOD part of today was a visit from a new Campus Cat. Oooooooh! 

The windows being open...people in the office started hearing a wailing noise. It turns out it was a very loud Himalayan Cat that was wandering in the outdoor space between our office and the next open plan office about 7/8? metres away. Not only because i love cats, but because this cat was causing such a disturbance, i decided to don my face mask and go visit the kitty. 

I went round to the outside, called the kitty to me, and they followed me as i lead it out of that space and away from the offices so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Then when we got far enough away the kitty laid down and started rolling around for me to pet them. I gave them a cheeky little stroke or two before sneaking back to the office. The kitty was SOOOOO friendly, the trouble wasn’t getting them to follow me away from the office windows, it was getting it NOT to follow me back into the building!

Anywho...I washed my hands after petting kitty and went back into the office to sit and do nothing again. *sigh*  This being my first day back i have no idea if this cat will hang around, or if it was a one off but it was a lovely addition to a complicated day. If this Himalayan kitty cat will be making a frequent appearance on campus, then A) I best think of what to call them, and B) professor Toby Paws(the actual resident Uni Cat-with its own Instagram account might i add....) better watch out!

Creation of the Quiet Book

Over maternity leave i decided to create a Quiet Book for Henry. It's comprised of soft felt pages and everything is either tacked in with glue, Velcro, snaps, string, or sewn in. And let me tell you...there was LOTS of pieces to tack in. 

The majority of the pieces were hot glued or sewn in really well to make sure that they could withstand lots of toddler pulling and picking....cause if it's one thing toddlers do best, its to fiddle with things until they're destroyed completely (not unlike puppies actually🤔). Since there was a ton of sewing and hot gluing to do i had to work on the book while the small child wasn't around during the day, which only left when daddy took Henry out for a few hours or when Henry went down for a long nap.

I tired to include a range of learning potentials (learning colours, numbers, life skills etc) for later on, but for now Henry will just be very textile as well as looking at pretty colours. 

The rundown of pages/learning: 

• Textile page (buttons, a snap, velcro, yarn, zipper, sponge, rubber shapes)
  
• Matching colours
• Matching Shapes
• Abacus w/ beads
• I spy with my little eye 
• Right v Left
• Big to Small shapes
• Learning colours
• Counting
• Moods Page
• Name page
• Learning how to dress
• Laundry/washing pretend play
• Braiding Hair
• Tic Tac Toe/ Noughts and Crosses

It was quite a feat trying to fit in all the little pieces, lots of cutting felt, gluing, drawing faces, making 'clothes', sewing in sections... but I finally finished it! And already henry has fun flipping through the thick book like felt pages and feeling all the little intricate pages mommy hand crafted for him. Whether or not he uses it as it's intended for learning as he gets older will be another story entirely. 

One of the sections I debated on was something I would never have thought about consciously before: What colour felt do I cut out for the faces?  Up until a few months ago, it wouldn't have been a question and I would have automatically just put in a beige felt face. Thanks to the massive media hype around Black Lives Matter, I've been putting in the time to think about my world view, how I can broaden it, and what I can do to change things. 

One of the things I learned from actor Mehcad Brookes was that change starts with the collective consciousness. In the simplest terms, to make outward change, we first need to change the way people think. Everyone has unconscious bias about a myriad of things--these are things we have an innate opinion about because it's been made socially normal through our upbringing. A few good examples of that would be: 

• Different jobs men hold or women hold (ie: Men are doctors, Women are nurses. Men are Builders, Women are ballerinas)
• Gender Stereotypes (Boys play sports, Girls play with dolls....or Women should be pretty, men should be strong)
• Cultural Misconceptions (Spanish people are Lazy, Canadians are too nice, the British don't care about dental hygiene, Germans are humorless, Jamaicans love getting high, etc)
• Thinking all people over a certain age are frail and incapable of looking after themselves
• Racial Bias (Black people are great at sports, white people are racists, Asian people are intelligent, Hispanic are illegal immigrants, etc)

I've been challenging these social norms and stopping more to think about them--"okay, well why is my first thought X, can it be Y instead?" Breaking the cycle of these 'social norms' and allowing room to grow is a big part of changing the world.

So, whilst I was making my Quiet Book and I had a few pages that would feature faces I thought to myself...I would normally put in little white boy faces because Henry is a white boy. But could I do it differently? 

The answer was undoubtedly YES! And why not? At the moment Henry's exposure to people of colour will be minimal because 99.9% of the people he sees on a daily basis are white-mummy, daddy, granny, granddad, mummy/daddy's close friends, Nursery carers, etc. I can't control outside factors--what people say or do concerning POC, but I can control how we in this family treat the issue of it. So that Henry can see that diversity is normal and 100% okay (hopefully to counteract any outside negative influence) I'm making efforts to grant him positive exposure to things he wouldn't normally come across. 

I'm firstly leading by example by checking myself (and Rob) for any lingering bias and correcting this behavior so Henry can't copy it. I'm making more effort to buy culturally diverse books, including some amazing finds from independent authors so that he can have an array of protagonists to follow and learn about some of the amazing cultures that the world has to offer.  And, I've opted for NOT putting the face of a pale blond girl (which is what my default would have been) to braid her hair in Henry's quite book. It's a minor change and it doesn't really matter who's hair is getting braided but it's one opportunity to diversify Henry's 'feed'. 

Now on to my next homemade project for Henry--The dreaded 3 page cross stitch that will take forever to complete. I'm hoping that I can at least manage the bottom half of the cross stitch by the time we start marking Henry's height. I'm back to work full time now, so that may be a pipe dream. 

More about returning to work in an upcoming blog. For now, I'm signing off!

All the Things that Ive Done

As my Maternity leave ends and I'm headed back to work tomorrow I've had a look back at all the things I've been able to accomplish in the last year. I know it might sound silly, and that raising a child should be reward enough but I'm a very visual, list checking type person. I prefer to see things laid out in a list and feeling a sense of accomplishment when I'm able to tick things off as I've done them. I get immense gratification from doing so and it makes me feel worth something when I'm able to display my accomplishments like this. 

So, for no other reason than to lay it all down on paper (or a digital format in this case) for myself, here is a list of all the things that I've done. 

My Prenatal / Postnatal / Maternity leave / Quarantine Combination Accomplishments List:

Of course the greatest thing during this time has been to be home and see Henry grow up and help him achieve new things...speaking of which, baby boy did his first full day at nursery today! I think he enjoied himself way too much and his key worker said he did extremely well.

 My BIG boy ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

A Typical Day in the Vidler Household

So, it's going to be boring mom stuff again, but hey...what else do I do all day except be full time mommy!?! And there's limited time before I go back to work so I've gotta get my mommy rants out now. 

So without further ado...

I have a great kid. And I know all the moms say that, but we've been really lucky that Henry is so chill. We've been told as much, many many times. He hardly cries/makes a fuss and if he does there's a very good reason for it. That's not to say that there aren't some hard times, but very rarely are we at wits end with Henry... yet. The toddler years are still to come. The jury is still out. 

I thought I'd give a little insight to how the inner workings of the Vidler house have been over my maternity leave and over quarantine and just raising Henry in general.  It's all new for us, so right now it's a novelty when even the most mundane of things occur. I'll take you through the highlights of the Good and the Bad (I don't think there's been any ugly...maybe my anxiety days but that's a different matter). These events are typical of the Vidler household, but not all these things will always occur in one day... obviously.  

Morning Routine: 

THE GOOD:

• SLEEP IN UNTIL 8am! This is a miracle if this happens....or it's Rob's day off and he gets up with smushy first and lets mommy sleep a bit longer. :) Sometimes it's not always a sleep-in day though. Sometimes if mommy can sleep in until 7am without any middle of the night interruptions, then it can start off as a good day. In that case, it's usually the coo sounds that smush makes and giggles in his crib that let me know he's awake. 
• Sometimes(whether it's immediately after waking, or a few hours later) we wake up daddy to have some morning cuddles. I love seeing Rob and Henry together in our bed. It just warms the heart that even though Rob is so tired, he's still a great dad in giving smush his last leg of energy.
• It's also always a good day when I can go downstairs after waking up, put Smush down on his playmate to peacefully make a cup of coffee & mix up a bottle of formula before he kicks up a fuss. If the kitty meows to come in straight away, this usually means that the presence of the cat distracts baby boy long enough for mommy to do her morning routine and maybe even sit and have a few sips of coffee before it kicks off. 

THE BAD:

• 6AM WAKE UP CALL. Yep. We went from having the perfect week old baby who slept for 8 hours straight until 8am, to now the new normal of waking up to babbles and cries at 6am. seriously...no matter how late we get this kid to fall asleep, inevitably he will wake up at 6am...or before. WIDE awake and hyper. (Those moments I resign to the fact that I am up until Rob can let me go back to sleep or smush goes down for his first nap.) If we're lucky we get about half hour of babbling before he gets fussy and one of us has to actually get out of bed. On the odd occasion we get a screaming/crying baby (no babbling to start with) & we guess it's because he's had a baby nightmare, or he bumped his head or leg against the cot railing...even tho we have a bumper there 😑 
• Henry is so needy that he doesn't want to be put down so I can make him a bottle and me coffee....so there's either a crying boy, or mommy has to juggle holding him and mixing up a bottle one handed. 
• One step further, we've had a few occasions where not only is the boy fussy, but the cat has either brought in something dead through the window or made a mess in the living room and I'm forced to play Nanny and Housemaid before 'normal work hours'.

THE UGLY:

This isn't typical, but I've had more of these episodes during quarantine than I have in a whole year, which is something worth mentioning when I talk about the day to day. There are days where I can barely function....but 'MomLife' makes me go through the motions. 

Even the cat knew I couldn't cope
and came upstairs to bed with me. 

....I wake up, depressed and sleep deprived wanting to stay in bed, but Henry needs me. I drag myself out of bed, change him, feed him...basically the bare minimum, then leave him to play on his play mat all day watching him, staring blankly from the sofa drinking cups of coffee until he cries for something he needs. When Rob gets home, I go straight back to bed, or plug in my headphones to drown out the world until I feel marginally better.

It's weird, when I get in my 'low mood' I go almost catatonic. I don't take care of myself except for brushing my teeth, drinking coffee and peeing. Honestly, I don't shower, I don't get dressed, i don't brush my hair, I forget to eat. I only brush my teeth because I have an anxiety thing about my mouth that's hard to explain. Getting downstairs with Henry is a struggle and doing basic things like changing a nappy or mixing up a bottle of formula is maximum effort, but I do it because I know I have to. And if I admit defeat and can't even do the bare minimum then the voices of my inner saboteur come creeping in to say what a $£*% mom I am. 

I'm thankful that these types of days are rare because of my medication and coping techniques, but this pandemic has definitely kicked it up a notch in terms of mental breakdowns. 

MOVING ON.....

During the Day:

THE GOOD:

Henry's 1st time at the park w/ Daddy

• If Rob is off, sometimes he likes to take Henry out for a walk around the neighborhood--which means that although a walk would be good for me, I hang back at the house. I take the opportunity to give myself a child free-self care hour. This usually consists of Yoga, blogging, crafting or reading a book in absolute peace. It may not seem like much, but an hour of doing ANYTHING uninterrupted for a mom is pure heaven. 
• Naps- This can go one of two ways on a good day. Either smushy goes down for 2 hours and I'm able to sleep for that amount of time too, or it gives me the opportunity to have child-free hours to get chores done(quietly), or 'me' time. 
• YARD TIME: It's been hard during the pandemic to make sure Henry gets OUT of the house. One of the ways that has been consistent since lock down(and since he could sit upright by himself) is that when I need to hang laundry Henry gets put on a mat in the shade in the back garden. He's fascinated with outside and will look at everything in wonderment and giggle at anything that moves. Sometimes we play peak-a-boo behind the bigger towels/sheets on the laundry line. 
  
  
• Being able to see people! 
  
  

It's definitely been a highlight now that lock down restrictions on socializing have eased. We've had a few different visitors pop round to ours and also gone to visit other at their homes or in public places and it's just great to get to see Henry being sociable with people other than mommy and daddy. 

• It happens less now that he is a little energizer bunny but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE when I feed him his bottle, he gets so tired that he just curls into me and sleeps. Now, that has been replaced by whenever he is cuddly and just STAYING STILL on my lap while we watch TV or something. 
• Getting to see Henry make development strides: crawling, cruising, climbing the stairs. Every new thing he's accomplished always makes the day much more enjoyable. To see him grow and flourish, even when the rest of the world is going to pot. 
  
  
• Seeing Rob and Henry play. There's nothing that warms my heart more than just sitting back and observing my little man and the hubby share smiles and laughter and cuddles. Honestly the best feeling in the world next to still cuddles with Henry. 
• Henry's laughing. There are a myriad of ways to get little mush laughing, and giggling like a little hyena and it's the cutest thing in the world. Some of the guaranteed things to get him going are: 
• playing peek-a-boo 
• passing a soft toy ball to him and seeing his face light up every time it comes back
  
  
• "smelly toes": basically I sniff his feet in disgust and cry 'eeewwwweeeee smelly feet!' or 'who's little smelly toes are these?'
• Being tickled
• Going upside down, either being dipped or being held upside down by his ankles
• Seeing/playing with one of the following people: Granny Alice, & Fun 'uncle' Si. He's in fits of laughter seeing these two. 
• When the cat does something unique/unusual from his normal behavior. Ie: making noise coughing up a hairball or balancing on his hind legs for treats

THE BAD:

• The one thing that I can't ever get past and the day seems to drag on and on is when I'm so exhausted, ready to have a kip and Henry refuses to nap. Not even coffee can save me then. I've tried every trick in the book to get some shut eye (bar calling another person to babysit): sleeping on the floor of the living room while he plays in a confined space....letting him bounce up and down on my lap while I hold him, eyes shut and head tilted back....bring him into my bed, lining the edges of the bed with pillows so he doesn't fall off and draping an arm over him or holding onto a hand/foot and closing my eyes. 
• Forgetting to feed myself. There are many a time when i skip breakfast...lunch...basically everything except coffee....because im too busy running around from the constant carousel of care. Its only when my stomach starts rumbling that i remember...oh yeah, i should eat something. 
• Interruptions. Interruptions. Interruptions. This is a broad category but there always seems to be one form of it or another going on. 
• Door to door people coming around while I'm looking after Henry during one of his crying fits, then having to answer the door with him on my hip and getting really anxious about people I don't know bringing their germs to close to him--NO, I don't want to talk, can't you see I have a baby to look after. 
• Typing a message and all of a sudden Henry decides he wants to play with my phone so I loose the novel I was painstakingly trying to text one handed. 
• Having to answer the phone when baby boy is loudly babbling or crying in the background and being unable to leave the room to hear what the person over the phone is saying because I have to have eyes on the ever moving mush
• The cat doing something (ie: throwing up, bring a mouse in, tracking muddy paws over the counter tops, knocking something over, trying to escape upstairs where he's not supposed to be, peeing in odd places, etc) and then having to juggle watching mush, and cleaning up whatever it is Charlie's done before Henry gets to it first. 
• Trying to juggle housework and taking care of Henry. I can do it, but boy am I rushed off my feet. Sometimes I can putter around doing housework while Henry plays on his own, but there are times where he is always at my side or crying so I end up holding him and finishing my task one handed. The most annoying one that took the longest was hovering while lugging Henry around. I sweat a lot doing that. 

Evening Routine:

THE GOOD:

• It's always a bonus when Rob is working days....just to know he's coming home. Even on a good day, the exhaustion of looking after a baby or toddler is a full time job in itself and to know that my parental relief is on the way home is the greatest hope in the world. 
• Bath time with little man is fun and terrifying. Fun because he's now old enough to understand splashing and LOVES it; also, he has rubber duckies that are great to chew on. Terrifying because he gets so excited playing in the bath that he splashes far too much water into his face, freaks out and then face plants into the bath(which normally is his I'm tired/upset so I'm going to rest my head on the floor) unintentionally waterboarding himself all over again. All in all, bath times are great tho. 
  
• Henry's bedtime means that the adults have time to sit without being on high alert. Zoning out to trash TV, watching a movie together, crafting or reading. True winding down time. 

THE BAD:

• Realizing that its been 24...48...72 hours since my last shower. Seriously, the moment i can sneak away for 5 minutes to take a shower is sheer bliss. I have gone days without leaving the house, or even getting dressed and I suddenly realize I should probably take a nice hot bath when Henry goes to sleep, or forget to shower another day in the morning when I'm trying to juggle Henry watch too. 
• When Henry refuses to go to sleep. This kid loves to fight sleep. Naps, Bedtime, more often than not he will be so incredibly tired, eyes closed, and still be squealing, crying and thrashing. It usually subsides within 10 minutes, or he'll drift off, wake up and fuss, then drift off again, but sometimes he just plain refuses to sleep. Those are the hard nights, when all Rob and I wish to do is relax and Henry is fighting sleep for 2 or 3 hours on and off. 

As much as I moan about 'the bad', it really isn't all that bad. I know people have had it FAR WORSE than Rob and I have. Under normal circumstances, there are so many parents who have gotten WAY less sleep than we've been able to. There are women who have given birth during this pandemic and have very little support thanks to lock down measures. When it comes to Mush, Rob and I just got lucky. We're waiting for the penny to drop and our next child be the spawn of the devil...although Mush has that demon growl down already strangely enough.