All I want for Christmas is Me

I'm not even sure who I'm writing this for yet, but its come apparent to me that there are people in my wider atmosphere that may not know what has been going on in the life of Jenny Mac. 

The last 6 months have been some of the toughest days of my life and to be completely frank, I have gone through some shit. 

There are people in my day to day life who know all the intimate details effecting my life. Some of my family know, but since ive been so emotionally distraught and overwhelmed this has come all from 2nd hand sources instead of me explaining what im going through. Then there are those who might have seen things ive posted on instagram, which has become my outlet for being heard and bringing awareness of issues to my 'followers'. 

Now I'm not a 'social influencer' by any means, but I like to put into the world what I get out of it. Particularly when it comes to collective knowledge-- meaning if I have living knowledge of something that happens to be a taboo issue I WANT to share it with friends, family, and those I don't even know because someone else might be dealing with similar issues and there is power in knowledge. So I share my personal experiences, not only to get things off my chest, but to help those who might need it. 

[Side Note: I was DMing an old friend of mine who had recently had a baby girl and sharing any sleeping/feeding/mom helping tips I could because I felt the urge to give back to the Universe. Take those things I've learned in my short 2 years of motherhood and give back to someone who needs it. And The thing I will never forget is her saying 'Thank you, I needed to hear that.' So I know it works...sharing experiences and passing on knowledge. It's what helps us grow as a collective.]

        So here's the naked truth:  after 10 years it seems like the marriage I committed myself to is irretrievably broken. After 10 years of making excuses, turning a blind eye and refusing to see the writing on the wall, I have admitted to myself that I have been the survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship.

The strange thing is, that because I wasn't openly being called malicious names all the time and I wasn't at the receiving end of angry verbal abuse or threats...I never copped on to being abused. This kind of abuse was more subtle, manipulative, and in no way less than any other type of domestic abuse, and I see that now. 

I've looked at Women's Aid, googled certain phrases that I've come across in my findings and it shocked me how much these things ran true to my circumstances. I've expressed my findings to friends, to make sure I'm not just making things up and they've observed some of the signs independently because I feel like my partner, my closest companion was gaslighting me (more on that a bit later). I've had several conversations with professionals (social workers, Support workers, GPs, Councillors, etc) where my suspicions have also been confirmed- I've been emotionally abused. 

That knowledge was the hardest thing for me to overcome. 
I've been abused. 
How could I have been abused? 
How could I be so stupid not to see it? 
Am I weak? 
Surely I would have known if I'd been abused. This makes me a useless empath. 
I can't even see what's going on in front of my face.
Maybe I deserve what I got because I was so oblivious to see it.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who help me see the reality of my situation. I am NOT weak. I am a loving, trusting individual who wouldn't expect someone I care about to stab me in the back so heinously. These friends reminded me that I am a strong, confident, independent women. They reminded me that I am better than my weakest points and that I will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes to be born anew, and stronger than before because I've been forged in fire. 

There are a certain group of my friends who have become such a support network to me in the last few years that I no longer even think of them as friends. They are my family. They are the people I trust most in the entire world besides my own blood, who can't always be there for me since they live back in America. 

I think that's something that clued me in first to my circumstances. When the person I trust and love the most in the entire world isn't my marital partner, something is off. I stopped feeling love. I started feeling used--for my body, for my knowledge, for the things I could do for him, for the convenience of being a wife.  

To quote a joke my abuser has said many times, "I don't like you. I like the IDEA of you."

It's those type of encouraging comments that turned my closest friends into my confidents instead of confiding in someone closer to home - like a husband. 

It's the reason I sought refuge with many of my friends throughout this summer and fall. In my darkest days, I couldn't count on the one person I'm supposed to, to be my rock. Instead I made a support network out of my nearest and dearest friends. They have housed me, fed me, lending an ear to my woes, offered solicited advice, distracted me for a time, and taken me and Henry in as if we were flesh and blood. 

I mean, lets be honest it's not hard to love that little man. Even when he has a vacant expression of confusion on his face, everyone he comes in contact with loves him. I pour my heart and soul into caring for that little man and I wish that he could feel the same love from his father, but having experienced what I have, it's all I can do to protect him from any fate I have suffered. I have seen him being blatantly ignored for a mobile device, a TV program, or any other distraction multiple times and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart even when daddy isn't around... the amount of times I see a father and a son playing (on television, in a social setting like a park or soft play centre) and I think "That's it. That is the love I want for my boy."...well, there have been alot of those times. 

I'm grateful to the people I have met who have included my son in play, and treated Henry with the kindness, patience and enthusiasm that I think he deserves. [Another side note: The last time Henry and I went to Play planet there was a dad and his son--probably 4 or 5 ish I'd say--that were rough housing in one of the play areas. The dad saw how shy and tentative Henry was around people (he still is bless him, I blame covid mentality) so he softened and encouraged Henry to play with him and his son--talked to him, tried to include him in the fun. I didn't know this guy. It wasn't creepy. It was kind and my heart swelled that there are good male figures out there for Henry to look up to.]

Henry has become my whole entire world since he was born. I thought that I was loosing myself when I became a mother, but I'm starting to realize now that I may have been manipulated. After Henry was born, I felt a duty to 'get back into fighting form' when it came to my lady bits, and I think I 'gave in' to having sex before I was ready because it's what my husband wanted (to feel loved). I was never 'raped' as such, but i did feel this tremendous amount of pressure daily to be intimate once again. 

It took me months to feel confident enough to give it a go and even then, the first time, and actually quite a few times after that it felt odd, not right, just not what I wanted. But I was doing my duty as a wife to be sensitive to how my husband was feeling neglected after having a baby and so I gave in and put my needs aside for the 'greater good'. 

A fat lot of good that did. And I want to retrospectively kick my subservient ass for being that way.  

Instead of focusing on my own needs and desires I was so focused on those around me. Babies take up most of a new mothers time, then there's the husband feeling neglected.... I completely lost who I was as a person. So, I tried to find my way back....

I started firmly implementing self care. I made sure I had time to myself. And I thought really hard about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, etc. I started to really think about my life and where I could make some changes to have a better life balance. 

I made weekly lists of what things I could do for Henry, for myself, for the marriage to help me focus on balancing my life instead of instantly putting all my energy into one aspect of my life. I wanted to make a conscious effort to respect and give attention to the parts f my life that fell to the wayside after having a child--mostly self love, and the love in my marriage.

That's when I started noticing elements of my life that didn't add up. 

Very slowly, from being in tune with myself, I noticed behaviours' around me that made me feel off. Comments have been said overtime, actions have spoken much louder than words, in fact they've written whole essays about the warning signs that should have been obvious. 

Sometimes they were obvious....to anyone but me. I've spoken to friends who recall the first time they met my husband and being very British, never wanted to say anything about their first impressions before because I was in that 'honeymoon phase' and they didn't want to shatter my perception. I wish they would have, because maybe I would have saved myself years of torment. 

I have realized over time, through thinking back to different points in my life where things might have started to go wrong. It's very difficult to say when the dynamic of the relationship changed because it was subtly slipped in over time, like the Crime Drama Trope of poisoning someone's food for years so it goes undetected but its still effective. Under scrutiny, I've been able to pinpoint some moments in my life here in England where there has been a shift. 

2012 - When we gained new 'Couples' friends who we were really close with, there was a shift from banter to bullying. We picked up on some pretty toxic behaviours and it wasn't until we ended these friendships that we realized how toxic we because in our relationship. I had hoped we moved on from it, but I think this is when the gaslighting began.

2013 - When I gained my Indefinitely Leave to Remain Visa, there was a shift in confidence. I suddenly felt more secure in myself being allowed to live and work in the UK without limitations. Looking back at photos in our first few years of marriage, it seems like there was a definite shift in mood in my abuser too. I can only speculate, but it seems like he might have been unhappy because I was finding my place in the world, where he stayed static. 

2014- When I gained a new hobby (Pole Dancing), there was a shift in how I was treated (either an embarrassment, or a prize, depending on the mood of my abuser). Some days I was treated like the 'hot sexy wife', the prize to be won, the pretty thing put on a pedestal, someone he could brag to his friends about. While other times, it felt like my hobby got disregarded: didn't want to watch my performances, comment on the way I'm dressed, the amount of money I spend on classes, etc 

2016- When I was assessed for anxiety and depression & went on anti-depressants. This was a tipping point. It came from the fall out of the three events above and the way life was after the first few years of marriage, then the floodgates of Major Life Events opened.....

2017- When there was a massive evet that spiked my social anxiety....
2018- When my father died...
2019-When I was pregnant/gave birth...
2020-When a pandemic started....
2021-When I miscarried....

All the way up to now....When I realized that the last 6 years have hit me with one distraction after another to blind me from reality. I probably haven't experienced a healthy marriage since 2012, after the honeymoon phase. It took me having a baby, some self care, some tough love, and a miscarriage during a pandemic to kick off this thought process of looking deep within to find the root of my problems. 

What I do know is that I have been unhappy without realizing it. I am not happy being a doormat for someone to use and abuse just to make themselves and their life feel better. I refuse to accept the abuse any longer and so I am standing up for myself and putting a stop to the abuse. My abuser refuses to see that the behaviour is abusive and continues on as normal. I know that I will not be happy if I live in the same house as my abuser. 

At the start of November, after one of the worst weeks of my life and putting plans in place to safeguard myself, I spoke up to my abuser and expressed that the three days we spent apart were the best I'd felt in a long time and that I'd feel happier separated. That night, he moved in with his mother and Henry and I stayed in the family home. 

I have seen a HUGE improvement in myself. My family, friends and those closest to me have told me how much better, happier, healthier I look and that my mood and demeaner have changed drastically for the better over the past month. I have also noticed subtle differences in Henry and the way he acts when he's at home. Whether that is to do with managing expectations or just a happier mum equalling a happier baby I'll never know, but I can surmise that I have done right by him and I've done right by myself. 

There is a long road ahead of me in rediscovering who 'Jenny' is, but I have come on leaps and bounds already and I cannot wait to actually start living my life. 

To quote some song lyrics (because you know I love a good song lyric) here has been a representation of my roller-coaster of emotions while figuring all this out: 

"When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever."-Billie Eilish

"I say 'yes' too many times, now it's 'No, No, No'. Told you, I'm no longer under your control. No I'm not the kind of girl I was before. Can't walk over me no more." -Little Mix

"Your love feels so fake. My demands aren't hard to make." -Billie Eilish 

"Tell me how you're sleeping easy. How you're only thinking of yourself. Show me how you justify telling all your lies like second nature. Listen, mark my words one day you will pay, you will pay. Karma's gonna come collect your debts. Maybe you'll change, abandon all your wicked ways, make amends and start anew again. Maybe you'll see, all the wrongs you did to me, and start all over." -Set it Off

"Is my value based only on your perception? Or is your opinion of me, not my responsibility." -Billie Eilish 

"Maybe I'm too emotional. Apathy's like a wounded soul. Maybe I'm too emotional. Maybe you never cared at all....like a damn sociopath" -Olivia Rodrigo

"You made me feel so high, babe, then crushed me to the ground, babe." -Baekhyun

"I'm in love with my future. Can't wait to meet her. I'm in love but not with anybody else. Just want to get to know myself. I know supposedly I'm lonely now. Know I'm supposed to be unhappy without someone, but aren't I someone?" -Billie Eilish 

Journal Entries from a Broken Mind

The past few months have been rough. Ive been keeping a journal to help with my anxiety and depression. These are just a few of the pages from the paat 2 months. An insight, unfiltered into my mind.....

A Hard Pill (or 7) to Swallow--TRIGGER WARNING(loss)

I'm a very open person, but this is something that I'm just coming to terms with and its a lot easier to collect my thoughts over a period of time and put into a blog than it is to tell a story to someone face to face. My brain is in a heavy fog, I suffer from small tremors in my hands when I talk about it, but I'm currently constantly reminded of my misfortune (because of the physical effects) multiple times a day so I'm forced to face it. 

I am supposed to be 13 weeks pregnant by now, but I had a miscarriage.

This is something that is seen as an awful, taboo subject, but I feel like in order to heal from what I've gone through I need to talk about it. First thing I will say is that I knew it was a common occurrence to miscarry a baby. In fact, most people wait until after the 12/13 week mark to tell people about the pregnancy because the likelihood of miscarrying is so high in the first trimester. I just didn't realise how common it is: 1 in 4 pregnancies end up in a miscarriage. 

For something that happens with those kind of odds, It's a wonder there aren't more people talking about it. I know it's a horrible event to go through both physically and mentally, but I hate the idea of suffering in silence, because no one talks about it. I didn't realize that so many women close to me have suffered the pain of loss from a miscarriage, not until I talked to them about it. Just like Postpartum Depression is a medical condition where support is openly available and encouraged to talk about if it does happen to you, I feel Miscarriages need to be treated the same way & have the same support/resources available (just in ca...not talked about in hushed tones after the fact when life spirals out of control. 

So this is my story, open and raw. 

Last Tuesday I rang my doctor because there was some bleeding going on downstairs, when for a supposed pregnant woman there shouldn't be any. I was referred to A&E to get it checked out since when the doctor rang me it was nearly closing time.

To add insult to injury, at the same time Rob had tested positive for Coronavirus so the whole household was self isolating-Rob in his bedroom, and me and Henry away from him as much as possible in the house. So, going to the hospital I was asked all sorts of questions about having come in contact with anyone who tested positive for Coronavirus (yes) and if I was self isolating (yes). In the end, I was put into a sick bay that was something out of a Virus Disaster Film--zipped shut in my own little bio hazard cubicle--had to have 3 Coronavirus tests done on me, my blood and urine samples taken during triage before I even got to see the on call Gynaecologist. 

Three hours in A&E, a visit from the Gyno, midwife, and administrative midwife and it was determined inconclusive, but there was a possibility of a 'Threatened Miscarriage'. Only an Ultrasound would be able to determine the health of the foetus and they couldn't do one in A&E at 11pm at night. I was sent home and told to wait for a call for the soonest Ultrasound appointment available. Next day(Wednesday) I got a call for an ultrasound but the earliest appointment was Friday morning. 

I was distraught, worried, anxious. I was working from home that day and found myself unable to concentrate on work because my mind was racing with all manner of thoughts. Why isn't there an appointment sooner? How will they be able to tell from an ultrasound if the baby is okay? What if it's not okay? Was it something I did? Did I fall at some point? Did I eat something I shouldn't? What if it is okay, then why am I bleeding? What if I was never pregnant to begin with? What if the home test I took was a false positive?

An overwhelming sadness took over my body at the thought of having a miscarriage. I found myself staring off into space for who knows how long, before snapping to and realizing that all of this speculative thinking wasn't healthy. I needed a distraction, and starring at a computer screen and waiting for the software to catch up with my clicks was NOT the best way of doing that--it lent itself to too much starring off into space and not enough getting work done. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to be any type of productive with the mood(and life) draining out of me, I took the rest of the week off in hopes that come Friday there would be some better more conclusive news. 

When I went in for my appointment, I was told the rundown of how they were going to check for things. I saw a Nurse/midwife practitioner who took my details & medical history. I was so nervous that I kept forgetting basic information of my own information (my doctor/surgery's name, the name of prescriptions I was/had been on, etc). Embarrassed and flustered, I got through that session with the right information in the end, it just took me a little longer to get there. 

I waited a bit, then went in for the 1st of 2 scans. The first scan was a normal ultrasound, where your bladder has to be full in order for the ultrasound to bounce the image back to the screen for the technician to see. It wasn't looking good. Not much could be seen because there were dark pockets of blood obscuring the path. I was told to empty my bladder then they would conduct an internal scan where instead of the jelly & scanner on the outside of my pelvis, they stick a wand up me to get a closer look from the womb opening. 

The second scan wasn't any better than the first and after having 2 technicians conferring, it was determined that I had a 'Missed Miscarriage'. Even though I was supposed to be 11 weeks along, the foetus measured 7.7mm, which would roughly be the size of a 6 or 7 week old foetus, and the sac was misshapen/not rightly formed. Also, the technician said anything over 7mm they would expect to see the flicker of a heartbeat, but there wasn't one. 

I was ushered into a small side room (I suppose it was their 'Grief' room) with a small sofa and armchair facing one another, a box of tissues on a short cabinet, and light/bright walls with 'happy' scenescape art on the walls. I waited, crying & in shock, trying to process what I was told. I knew it was a high probability with everything that had been going on. All signs were pointing to a miscarriage and I was prepared for it (or so I thought), but somehow it just became real when the technicians both said to me "I'm really sorry" and all I could say was "it's okay, it's fine" when I really wanted to articulate, 'It's not your fault for telling me. I'm glad I have an answer, even though it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Thank you.'

It also made it worse being alone with my thoughts and replaying what the technicians said in my head. Mainly, that the foetus was no more than 6/7 weeks, if we were going off of size, which means that for approximately a month, I've had a dead baby residing within me. No wonder I had such horrible morning sickness. 

Eventually the Nurse/midwife practitioner who took my details earlier came in and explained in full the diagnosis and next steps:

Natural Management-Where we wait to see if the body expels the tissue etc naturally without intervention.

Medical Management- Where pills/tablets are taken to help encourage the body to expel the material. 

Surgical Management- Where the contents of the womb are removed surgically, and there is an option of doing this with a general aesthetic or without.  

She told me that I didn't need to make a decision straight away; some ladies know exactly which option they want to take and some want to get over the initial shock and take their time to determine which course of action is best for them. My shock apparently put me in 'fight' mode of the 'fight or flight' theory because my pragmatic side won out and I was able to make a decision right then and there about which option I wanted to take--Medical management. I wanted Them gone. I wanted this dead baby out of me so that I could grieve and move on and it was the only option that I could start that day. 

She went through the one-off procedure with me, how it works, what will happen, the side effects, etc. then went to get a doctor to sign off on the medication and came back with 4 small pills, 2 pain pills, and 1 anti sickness pill. I gulped them all at once, swallowing my grief down with it. 

I went home, cried to hubby while I told him everything I could remember about what the verdict was, which expelled any energy I had left, so I went upstairs to sleep for most of the afternoon. I could do nothing else that day but lay down and stare off in one direction, thinking, crying, and thinking before letting sleep take over. I had several little catnaps, but then the worst set in in that evening, about 8 hours after the pills were administered to me at the hospital. ((I WARN YOU NOW, the next paragraph is GROSS. Skip to the paragraph after if you cant handle bodily functions)).

First started the cramping. Imagine period cramps mixed with the early onset of labour pains when you start having contractions. This was the way the pills worked, they made the Uterus contract so that the material is encouraged to dislodge and come out. On top of that, the pills also gave you extreme nausea and diarrhoea so at one stage I shat myself before I could walk 3 metres to the bathroom, then proceeded to expel all manner of bodily fluids from both ends as I sat on the toilet and leaned over the sink simultaneously. For the rest of the evening, until about 2am I believe, I was getting up to go to the bathroom constantly to either throw up, poo, or have blood and tissue dripping out of me. When I returned to the bedroom each time, I would still be in so much pain from cramping, retching and straining that i would groan until sleep took over briefly, only to be woken up by the next round of expulsion. 

I was in such extreme pain not only physically, but emotionally I was in turmoil as well. It was all the pains of labour, but without the squishy prize of a baby at the end... which somehow made the physical pain so much worse. Luckily that was the worst of it, so by 2ish in the morning I was able to get some sleep with minor aches and pains. 

This past week has been a mix of emotions to day the least. The doctor at the clinic signed me off for a week, not only for my emotional wellbeing, but also because it's recommended that women going through Medical or surgical management of a miscarriage be on bedrest or at least take it easy for a week post procedure. The day after I was sad and delusional and just not myself at all. I thought I was going to have days of this where i just stare blankly all day, but it turns out that with the right amount of distraction, I wasn't like that ALL the time. 

For the most part I played with Henry, got lost in the story of reading a book, or slept off the emotional and physical exhaustion. There wasn't much I could do to function normally because I just felt sad and drained, but not because of anything that triggered thinking about the circumstances. However, there were triggers that did make me zone out and hubby caught me staring into space quite a few times... 

Seeing a new-born baby at the supermarket...

Going to the park with Henry and seeing siblings playing together....

Any mention of pregnant women (i follow some mum groups on Facebook so that is fairly common. I had to snooze those groups for a bit)... 

Then there is (still) the reminder every day that my body is getting rid of evidence i was ever pregnant. Every time I have to go to the bathroom, I'm constantly wiping blood and tissue away. This is normal according to the midwife, for a couple of weeks, but its a constant reminder. Its as if when I'm having a good part of the day, I go to the loo and it renews that disheartened feeling I thought I was getting over.

What's worse is that throughout this time, from A&E to the ultrasound, and a day or so after, Rob was isolating, so I pretty much went through this alone, and had to take care of Henry on top of it. Towards the end, I just couldn't cope and I was getting frustrated with Henry because I was so frustrated and depressed about the situation I couldn't take any more. When Rob started feeling the effects of Covid going away, it coincided with when I found out I definitely had a miscarriage(officially). He took over looking after Henry in isolation so I could just be depressed without having to force myself to function. It helped tremendously and that was a tipping point for me moving on from crippling depression(not being able to do anything), to manic depression (doing things out of the norm). 

I liken my grief so far to a midlife crisis...the time where drastic changes come into play to renew that youthful feeling of life. For me, I've determined that I'm trying to do everything I can to take advantage of not being pregnant so I'm not as sad. So basically doing all the things that were a pregnancy no no: 

• Drinking Alcohol
• Consuming copious amounts of Caffeine 
• Gorge myself on soft cheese, deli meats, undercooked meat, sushi, etc
• Dyed my hair
• Enquired about getting a tattoo
• Looked into giving blood again

I don't know when my manic behaviour will end, or if it will... but I'm rolling with it right now because its stopping me from getting in my head and sinking back further down into crippling depression. I'm still depressed, daily, about the situation but the longer life goes on, the more variety of highs and lows there are during my day. 

I know this wasn't my fault. The midwife said that miscarriage is just one of those things that happens--the luck of the draw. If I wasn't already able to conceive a child (Henry) I'd probably be far worse and blaming myself personally for what happened. As it stands now, I know its not my fault. I know that it must not be the right time for us to have another child, but it still hurts. 

No matter who you are, how you live, how many times it happens, which trimester it happens, it sucks losing a baby. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I obviously wasn't far enough along to know if it was going to be a boy or a girl. At one stage my morning sickness was so bad that Rob joked that it might be twins and I shouted "DON'T YOU DARE wish that upon me. One is hard enough!" After that comment, thinking about baby names, I decided that if it did turn out to be twins, that I fantasized about calling them Artemis & Apollo after the sibling Greek gods. In retrospect, the thought was silly and probably never was going to end up of any birth certificate with the surname 'Vidler' because Rob would probably veto it (also, who's to say it would have been 1 boy and 1 girl!).

But the more I pondered over this miscarriage and the circumstances, the more I thought I'd like to give my unborn child a name, at least so we can refer to Them as an entity rather than 'the miscarriage'. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I thought this one might have turned out to be a girl, so I'm going to honour this juncture in my life and say that the world almost got to meet my baby girl, Artemis. 

Too good for this earth, a warrior goddess, Artemis will still live on in my memory, because she was real. She did exist. I can't just let her be another no-name statistic. I'm rewriting the narrative. I'm accepting I had a miscarriage, but it doesn't stop me from honouring Artemis. 

The Time Has Come...to get stabbed for the greater good

COVID-19 has gotten everyone in a tizzy. And whether you believe in it or not, that choice is up to every individual. Some people think its a hoax. Other people feel like once they get the vaccine the world will automatically go back to normal. Some dont want the vaccine.

Personally, for me, when i heard about the vaccines, my decision was made. Greater number of people vaccinated, means a greater possibility of Herd Immunity and the sooner things will go back to normal. Now, im not one of those people who thinks it will magically happen overnight, but i know i will do my part in progressing the world back to normal.

When Covid broke out, i didnt think it was going to be as big a deal as it was, but then it reached Pandemic status and it wasnt something i could ignore. Speculation flew around about how "long" it was going to last but i dont think the majority of people would think it was going to last over a year.

I had my suspicions that it was going to last 2 years like previous pandemics and no matter how quickly things seemed to be progressing with a vaccine we were not going to be out of the woods yet. I predict that even with the majority of the population vaccinated, wearing masks, social distancing(to some degree) and obsessive hand washing/sanitizing will become normal for quite a few years.

The first step though-getting vaccinated. The UK government has been doling out vaccines based on critical vulnerability and age, working from oldest to youngest. The time finally came that i got invited to have my vaccine on Friday, so i thought id do a little run down of how it was for me at least in case anyone was curious.

I should say that i originally got a text inviting me to get my vaccine before it looked like my age range group opened up. I snatched that up, but unfortunately the day before my vaccine, i was super ill (unreleated to covid) so i had to cancel my jab. :( sad times. When i felt better i did rebook, and by that time loads of my friends seemed to be getting the text invitation so our age group mustve opened up.

The booking system was really easy to manage. Super easy to cancel and rearrange. And you had the option to book your second jab as well and it showed you only the bookings for the time you needed (with the appropriate number of weeks between each jab).

The day of my appointment it was fairly smooth sailing as well. There was a small queue to get in the building as they were doing a one out, one in type of system. Someone at the door asked some standard questions, then as the queue moved, you took a step into the building. Next step inside the foyer i got checked in with the booking code and verifying person details (name, d.o.b. etc). Another few steps and i was shown to an available station to get the vaccine.

The centre where i got my jab was giving out the Pfizer vaccine, which is actually the one i was hoping id get. When i got inside I was asked a few more standard questions, including if im right or left handed to determine which side i got the jab in(the non dominate side). The shot itself took all of 5 seconds and didnt hurt any more than what youd expect a needle prick to be. I was handed some leaflets, and a timer set for 15 minutes and told to have a seat until that time was up.



Done, dusted. I felt fine straight after. I could barely even see the pinprick of where the needle went in. Later that evening i only noticed the injection site hurt a bit when it was touched because Henry was jumping all over me and putting some serious pressure on my arm. Ouch.

Day after, again no major side effects except feeling stiffness in my arm and being tired.... then again, weve been having a heat wave lately, so it could just have been the sweltering heat tiring me out. All in all I think i had a good experience with the Pfizer vaccine and i am very thankful. Im hoping that the next jab goes just as smoothly. 

Global Nerds....UNITE

Lockdown has taught the world many things, but one affirmation I will always take with me is that Nerds/Geeks/Fanatics will flock together... even if we have to do it virtually. 

Take my love of D&D for example. I only recently got back into playing Dungeons and Dragons after a 10 year hiatus. I used to play in California with my college friends before I moved to the UK. 

The group I hung out with tended to gather in a large section of the cafeteria at our community college, and someone would always set up shop early in the morning and there would always be at least one of us who would stay until the end of the day to stake out 'our spot'. It was a safe haven for all us 'weirdos' and outcasts to come and go throughout the day, hang out, play table top games, eat meals, study on the odd occasion, have a nap if need be, and leave our stuff for safe keeping while we were elsewhere on campus. 

I was a casual player of D&D at best; mostly I was the one jumping in to play someone's character so they could actually attend some of their lectures for an hour or so. These sessions would more often than not be ALL day and a lot of us were spectators while the game and the banter rolled on. I wasn't too into watching the game, but I did enjoy jumping in and learning the rules and praying I didn't mess up someone's character. 

Fast forward to 2011, I got married and moved to the UK, so I stopped playing with my school chums. It took me quite a while to find another group of friends that played D&D for me to pick it up again, not that I was actively looking. 

One of my work colleagues, Lucie, had never played D&D but her husband Simon is a full-on fanatic so a few years ago we devised a plot to start a new campaign. :) With a few seasoned players, and a few complete and utter noobs (and me, who hadn't played in nearly a decade), we set off on an adventure! This became a once-a-month Weekend session(due to us being adults and ya know...real life stuff getting in the way) for the better part of a year I reckon. 

I got pregnant and played nearly up until my due date (where many a joke was made by our Hosts-Lucie and Simon- about worrying I'd break my waters on their living room floor during a session). After having baby boy(NOT on their living room floor), and being sleep deprived, new parents, etc.... I didn't really feel like I could slot back into driving 45min away to play D&D, baby in tow (although I'm sure that would've been welcomed). So I went without and I was missing the hilarity of sessions. 

THEN Covid happened....and lockdown....and the D&D group wasn't able to meet up in person, so they turned to a new campaign, on a new platform. They started playing on facebook chat/video, and somehow I weaselled my way back into the party. :) I think it started out as a one shot, a short term solution to get our D&D fix, but over time, it's turned into a weekly game for over a year during lockdown. 

Virtual table top gaming is possible....annoying at times, but completely possible. There were trials and tribulations, not only with sound and audio connections but also with sharing screens, building online Maps, and getting used to asking a million and one times 'so, are they 5ft away from me?' or 'How close am I to them?' without having a physical table top marker to eyeball proximities. It's just not as fun as sitting in the same room and having banter. 

Throughout the year we bounced between Facebook video and discord, lost some players who had bandwidth problems and other issues, gained some new players who had never attempted D&D before and overall kept each other sane during lockdown. Strangely enough it was only the other week when outdoor events could take place with masks & social distancing that I met one of my party members in real life for the first time!  I had been playing D&D with Gareth for over a year and I've never met the guy! It's a strange world we live in, and when we are finally allowed to play again in person, I can't wait to give all of them a great big hug-- even a guy whom I only know by his character roleplay!

Further than this close-knit little group, D&D has brought me closer to an online community of D&D players across the globe. My friend Stacey got me listening to a D&D podcast called Romancing the Dungeon and I couldn't be more grateful. I binged the 24 episodes of the show and almost instantaneously became invested in the characters and the players. Last night they had a Season 1 'wrap party' on Discord and it was great to meet, not only some of the people involved in the podcast itself, but chat and have banter, with other fans of the show. 

Proving once again, that fanatics will always find a way to flock together and discuss their favourite things... even while there's a global pandemic going on. 

Positive Affirmations

I was talking the other day about positive affirmations. I think its a wonderful thing to be able to bolster oneself up by looking in the mirror and saying positive things about one's life. I however cannot for the life of me, stand in a mirror and say things and expect them to be true. I have a very hard time forcing myself to believe in things that i innately think are untrue. And its also hard for me to look at myself, past the flaws that my overly scrutinising self sees to focus on the good things about myself. 

I do however have an alternative way of incorporating positive affirmations into my life. Ive always found deep comfort in Lyrics. So alot of songs that i listen to end up becoming my comforting sayings to build myself up. It acts much in the same way i think affirmations do, getting that warm glow or positive feeling to carry on with the day. A motivational trigger that helps one soilder on in the darkest of times or the most mudane of days. 

Alot of the times, lyrics become my affirmation after it triggers a feeling within me after a certain event in my life. Sometimes the power of the lyric itself is enough to make it one of my affirmations. 

At the worst of times i can be a pretty pessimistic person by default so it takes alot for me to self motivate. The power of music and lyrics helps me spin my attitude into positive thinking and self empowerment. 

Just to share some of my lyrical affirmations: 

MUSE - Uprising

They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious

HAMILTON(MUSICAL) - My Shot

"Hey yo, I'm just like my country I'm young, scrappy and hungry and I'm not throwin' away my shot...

"The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish I gotta holler just to be heard with every word, I drop knowledge I'm a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal tryna reach my goal my power of speech, unimpeachable...

"I'm past patiently waitin' I'm passionately smashin' every expectation every action's an act of creation..."

JESSI - Drip

Fuckin' wit no bitch
Don't act like you know me
You funny with money honey
Don't act like a poor bitch
I'm sick of all these fakes (Fakes)
I'm sick of all these phonies
Everybody same
They be lame
They be clonin' 
Ay, who you think you frontin' on?
All you little kiddies run along
I ain't goin' anywhere
Ah y'all can kiss my derrière

ED SHEERAN -You Need Me, I Dont Need You (Chorus)

You need me man I dont need you
You need me man I dont need you
You need me man I dont need you at all

STARSHIP (A StarKid Musical)

Who wants to be like the rest
And deny the best that I'm meant for?
I will show the status quo, 
who cares about normal?
I'll never conform
I will be content to resent the status quo.
I kick down the walls around me
They don't know how strong I am
I'm not defined by boundaries
They could never understand
I'm so much more than status quo

2021: A BRAND NEW YEAR--oh wait....never mind. (aka 2020 Mock II)

A New Year, so it must be time for a new blog post!

Nanowrimo has been and gone, so all my writing energy was sucked up in the 30 days of November. I'm proud to report that I have successfully written another Novel, and I went over the target of 50,000 words, AND I still have a sequel to write for next year! Thank goodness for epic fantasy genre stories. 

Then the British Nation had to deal with "Lockdown Christmas" which was a bit of a whirlwind. Where we live, we started off December with lighter restrictions for good behaviour--able to go out to Restaurants and shops with social distancing measures-- but then that quickly turned into a bad idea and then the nation as a whole was told nope-no Christmas for anyone. So, in true British fashion everyone complained about not seeing loved ones for Christmas, but then actually felt so comfy indoors that we forgot people outside our four walls even existed for about a 2 week period.

And then January happened...and we're still not out of the woods yet, being put on another National Lockdown for the foreseeable future. So, even though I've been stuck at home, I've kind of been busy with the ever growing restrictions/lockdowns the UK has been under. 

Let's face it...I also get so busy I forget I even have a blog. That sums up my life in general, but I certainly feel that way during this past year. Living life in a pandemic is a weird parallel universe where things are the same, yet not the same at all. 

We've been lucky that, although we've been cautious, we've actually managed to keep some level of normalcy around our lives the past year. 

Rob, although not been able to go out and do Races, has still been using time at home to go out running. 

I've been able to visit a small selection of people this year during the pockets of time where the government allowed socialization and give Henry some sort of 'Normal' example of outside life. 

And Henry for the most part has still been able to socialize with kids his age regularly through Nursery. 

I was going through my diary and the pictures and videos I had taken throughout 2020 and I could easily count the amount of days that I had been out in a social setting. That made me sad, but I did realise that it was a pandemic year and also I spent the better part of the first 2 months still wrapped up in baby madness and didn't go out except for baby classes and to celebrate my birthday. Then I noted the times that I was just out of the house for ANYTHING where I could be in close proximity to other people (grocery shopping, petrol station, into town, picking Henry up from nursery, going to work, going for a walk etc)....it scares me that I estimated, the amount of days I was 'near people' added up to about 20% of the days in the year. On one hand I'm very depressed that I only got out of the house a 5th of the year, but on the other hand, I'm scared that I LET myself go out for that much while a global pandemic was happening. 

Don't get me wrong, we've been safely keeping distance where possible and wearing masks, washing our hands, and trying to be responsible for the most part, but life goes on. I know that when I've been out (however little or however much that is...depending on which mood I'm in), I've been trying to be safe and my sort of way forward is that I'll be continuing safety measures long after the mandate has been lifted by governments. 

In my opinion, there are going to be loads of people who refuse a vaccine to COVID-19. There's also the rule that no one under 16 in the UK will be vaccinated so there still will be transmission between households. And at some point 'Herd Immunity' could take hold, but no one knows for certain when that will be. SO I will err on the side of caution and I plan on still distancing and wearing masks and not travelling for a good long while after life 'resumes' again. 

I will take small liberties when I feel brave enough to go out when we are allowed, but I shutter at the thought of anything grouping large people together. I've got a concert that was rescheduled to this June and I really hope it gets postponed again because I don't think I'd be able to go that soon after the way things are now. Same with travel. I know loads of people who are planning their next vacation and dreaming of going abroad, but I'm still very hesitant to get on a plane anytime this year. Maybe by 2022 things will look better and my anxiety won't be making warning sounds to my brain. 

Everyone has their own way of dealing with this pandemic. I've put them into 4 categories of what I've seen and I think that everyone fluctuates between these four mindsets: 

The Overly Cautious--Don't leave the house. Obey the law. Stay at home. 

Reasonably Cautious -- Obeys the rules most of the time, but thinks some are down right ridiculous and will do what they want within reason. They're sensible people, who break the rules, but with good rationale. 

The Ignorant-- Nothing registers on their radar and they go along in ignorant bliss. Either that or the ones who think Covid is a Hoax, or that the rules don't apply to them

The Rebels-- They know what's going on. They just don't care...because FREEDOM > consideration for health--theirs or anyone elses. 

The people I know usually fall between the first 3 categories on different days/different circumstances. Some people fluctuate more than others. I have yet to come across someone personally who fits into the 4th category but I have heard stories of those types of people. I can't say that I understand people's rationale for one extreme or the other. 

All I know is what works for me and what I'm comfortable doing. And for me...what I'm comfortable doing is being that mom who sprays all the playground equipment with antibacterial spray and going when no one else is in sight. 

I'm not so fussed for myself. Besides the downfall of not seeing friends, I'm quite happy to hide in my own little bubble reading books, crocheting and watching streaming services until the end of the world. Let's just say I can't wait for things to go 'back to normal' so that I feel more comfortable taking Henry out. Sometimes it's like Henry sees 'the world' as our house and Nursery and I can't wait to introduce him to more now that he's old enough to start absorbing everything he sees. 

The other day we had someone come around to clean our windows, gutters and solar panels. Henry was FASCINATED. He couldn't stop starring out the windows and knocking on them. It was like Brenden Fraser in 'Blast From The Past' coming out of the bunker for the first time and seeing other people besides him mom and dad.

"LOOK! PEOPLES!!!!"