Tales of Betrayal

DISCLAIMER: So, this is going to be a very long and very personal confessional for me...just warning you now.

This will have upsetting material (anxiety, depression, thoughts/attempts of suicide, alcohol abuse, etc) so if any of that triggers you, then this is one post to skip. 

For those of you staying, welcome to my therapy session! I'm quite open about my experiences and wear my truth out in the open so people I know will already have heard some of these stories, but I don't think I've ever taken the time to write them down. Even though I've gone over these incidents with various people close to me, as well as a therapist, it still feels cathartic to write it all down and have an account of it. 

This is the Saga of why I can't make friends. 

This is the reason I stay guarded and wary of people. 

This is the account of 2 major moments in my life when my 'best friend' stabbed me in the back. 

The first thing I have to say on the subject is that I have never been someone to make friends easily. I use "the sandbox" analogy quite a bit when explaining this to people because I appear so friendly and extroverted. The sandbox analogy is this: So if you know kids, they have no problem walking up to other kids in the park, playing in the sandbox and just saying hi or inviting themselves to play/be included. I have NEVER been that kid who goes up to another random child in the park and says "Hi, I'm Jennifer. Want to play?"

The only time I ever felt safe to introduce myself to anyone with hopes of hanging out with them as friends is if I gather enough information from the scene that points to us having something in common. I think it was brain's way of determining before I even spoke to another person if my attempt to be friends would be successful instead of facing the possibility of getting rejected. So, for instance, when I found theatre, I was less nervous about making friends because I knew we all had theatre in common and could bond over that. 

The second thing I should say is that I have had times in my life where I have felt the sting of betrayal from friends just being mean or self centered jerks, but we still remained friends somehow...I just learned to be guarded, especially in high school:

• I once got invited to a friends B-day party at Disneyland & coincidentally, the guy I was seeing at the time was performing with Show choir at Disneyland on the same day and invited me to come see him too. I spent the whole day with my friend, but when I wanted to go see Show Choir perform for maybe 10 minutes she threw a birthday hissy fit. I never did see him perform and spent the rest of the day feeling really depressed cause of the way she treated me.  
  
  
• I knew someone in highschool, an older sophomore who 'claimed' me as their 'little freshman'...kind of a big sister, little sister thing to take me under her wing. I loved it when she would come up to me and hug me and be extremely nice, but then she would for no reason turn around and next hour be horrible and say she hated me. I later found out she was Bi-polar, but at the time it was scary and confusing and it added to my social anxiety. 
  
  
• When I was maybe 10/11 I had a best friend who lived up the street from me. Over the summer I had the ideas of starting up a cute little side business of watching peoples houses/watering their plants/etc while they were on vacation, and also if anyone needed help cleaning around their house. Business for a 10 year old was booming, but then I heard off one of our regular customers that this 'friend' was two timing me. She would take the call for the jobs, not tell me, and take all the money for herself, leaving me out of the cut. 

The third thing that I should say is that I have gone through therapy where we touched on this subject quite a lot. The thing that held me down for a very long time, and made my social anxiety worse was the thought of 'why did this happen? what did I do wrong? what could I have done to prevent this?'. No matter how small something is, I am terrible about beating myself up over things and worry about the what ifs and 'how could I be so stupid?' It all leads back to being my fault because I hold myself to such a high standard in everything I do. Then my therapist put a new spin on it for me: 'Why does it have to be something that you've done? Maybe [the people who've pulled away] cut ties because they felt they did something wrong? Or that they might have felt unworthy of being your friend.'

It's still hard not to blame myself for every little thing that seems to go wrong in my life. It's my life after all....but he has a point. It was one of those aha moments that allowed me to let go of the past and to not get stressed thinking about those major events in my life that had scarred me. 

Right.....now to the main event. I can pin point 2 major events that greatly contribute to my anxiety, distrust of people, and inability to get too close to people. 

THE LYNDSAY & COMPANY SAGA
and THE PURE STUDIOS TRIO SAGA

First, Lyndsay & Company: 

My husband Rob has always worked for his dad in the hospitality trade, Currently (and at the time of this story) at a place called The Kings Head Hotel. As hospitality is, a lot of staff come and go and at one point there were a few people working for the hotel that became close friends of Rob's and by extension mine. There were two girls that were waitresses at the hotel, Lyndsay & Becky and after some time Lyndsay's boyfriend Greg worked as a handy man around the hotel as well. 

Rob and I got very close to this group of people, and after a while, that included Becky's new boyfriend Adam. Then it was the 6 of us hanging out literally all the time. Rob and the girls would be at work together, and then when they finished alot of their free time was spent with us 'triple dating': Adam & Becky, Lyndsay & Greg, and Rob & myself. We went to theme parks together. 

We hung out at the pubs/hotel most weekends and some week nights. We went to several events together including charity events, concerts, etc. We hung out at each other's houses for dinners, game nights, birthdays, or even just coming over for a cuppa and a chat. 

We were practically inseparable, especially myself, Lyndsay, Greg & Rob. We had such a tight friendship that we talked about having families and raising our children together and fantasizing what that would be like. We confided in each other when we had our secrets to tell and helped each other unconditionally. Lyndsay came to me when she thought she had a pregnancy scare to get my advice. She helped Rob and I with my mother in law after her stroke to stage an intervention to make sure she took her medication. And Lyndsay made a point of getting involved when I threatened to leave Rob and kill myself. 

When Lyndsey and Greg got engaged, Lyndsey had asked Becky and I to be her bridesmaids. We had such a great time, going dress shopping, getting fitted for our dresses, viewing the wedding venue together. So it came out of nowhere when it was all gone. 

This was such a traumatic event in my life that I'm pretty sure I've been working through PTSD because of it for the last 6 years. 

First... out of nowhere, they stopped talking to me. No more messages shared via facebook, no returning my texts or calls. I thought it was weird that I hadn't heard from them in a while (and Rob had seen/talked to the girls since they worked together) so I sent a very heartfelt message asking if they were mad at me for some reason and if so if we could meet for coffee to chat. Nothing. 

Until I found out that Lyndsay didn't want to talk to me. I got a very aggressive message from Greg, Lyndsay's fiance, telling me to stop harassing/stalking her and that they don't want me a part of their wedding anymore, or even attend as a guest (even though Rob was still allowed). I was shocked. Then I was depressed. I was confused as to what I had done to make her cut ties with me all together and to make Becky, Adam and Greg hate me too (Lyndsay is a strong personality and kind of had the other three wrapped around her finger, so i could only assume their beef with me, was whatever Lyndsay's beef with me was). 

It got worse when I found out that hubby was being invited out for drinks or whatever to hang out with the four of them... but I wasn't invited. I found out that it had actually been going on for a while them all hanging out without me and I felt so rotten and dejected. Not only did I get cast away by a group of people I thought were really close friends, but my husband was abiding by them and it felt like he was taking their side instead of sticking up for his own wife. 

I spiraled hard. My thoughts were all over the place. I wanted a divorce. I wanted to go back to America. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted not to have to deal with backlash from something I don't even know what started it.

In the end after explaining time and time again to Rob how it made me feel that he was still 'in' and I was 'out' and he wasn't doing anything about it.... he finally stood up for me. He stopped hanging out with them, (he still had to work with them unfortunately, but) there were no more outside of work social drinks, and he didn't go to Greg and Lyndsay's wedding... by choice. 

After Rob cut ties with them as well... I still kept wondering 'why?' 'What did I do wrong?' and my mental health still took a massive nose dive. I still had to walk around in the same small town as them. Had to see them and be iced out every time I came to visit hubby at work and they were there or accidentally ran into them in the shop. I fell into a deep hole of depression. I just wanted to get away. To not be reminded of how much I was hated that I went from someone's best friend, confident, and bridesmaid to a person who was ignored, blocked on social media, and dis-invited to their wedding. 

I felt so low and dejected that one day I played hookie from work and Rob and I just spent the day together in the forest of dean, having lunch, talking and bringing the chaos and stress that was weighing down on me to a close. I don't remember who's idea it was--I think it was Rob actually, but we decided to get away from Ross and head up to York for our Wedding anniversary. It was a spontaneous trip, so we booked a B&B that night and left for York 2 days later. It was a fun, memorable trip and it got me the hell outta Dodge. 

In hindsight Rob and I have talked about how our friendship with Greg & Lyndsay and by association Becky & Adam were extremely toxic and that we are lucky to be free of them. We became nastier people (nastier to each other) and we weren't happy unless we were tearing each other down. You know when you are with mates and you are 'mean' to one another but it's all in good fun/banter? Yeah, it was NOTHING like that... we would be MEAN mean to each other in a joking way, but it wasn't banter, It was harsh and harmful. 

When we were around them, Rob and I became horrible people whose banter went too far into malicious territory. And even when we weren't around them our jokes towards each other were still of the same caliber. I remember being so upset and depressed by this at the time, that I started heavily drinking again. Once we were over at Lyndsay & Greg's house for a party and I stayed in the kitchen, while everyone else was in the sitting room watching TV, and drank 10 tequila shots in a row... by myself... so I wouldn't' have to deal with the BS unless I was shitfaced. 

I had no idea why I felt so unhappy and unstable at the time when our lives revolved around these people, but we both realize now the magnitude of toxicity we faced being friends with them and how we are SO glad to be rid of that negativity. 

The Second Saga: The Pure Studio's Trio

(I say Trio, only because I felt like the add along--the fourth musketeer...the D'Artagnan. Which is not a bad thing...but it started with 3.)

After Lyndsay and Company there was a lot of self care and healing to be done. I put my guard back up and decided to solider on solo. In 2013 I started taking up pole dancing in Ross on Wye at a local fitness centre (Lyndsay did attend one or two with me, but decided it wasn't for her). Sometime after York I decided to fling myself full throttle at pole. I attended the 2 lessons a week Pure Studios offered in Ross at the fitness centre, but then I ventured out to their Pole Studio in Hereford too. 

There I met three young ladies by the names of Dani, Rissa, and Evie. 

I got to know them through our common love of other things besides pole. I remember really clicking with Evie when we started talking about Baby Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy, but then it developed more with our love of FOOD. Rissa and I shared the same birth month and love of Amaretto. Dani and I were both cake makers and townies. Rissa and Evie were the ones who lived out in the sticks (Mordiford and Bromyard respectively). Rissa and Dani loved hoop more than pole and ALWAYS had their nails on whether they were on or off the aerial equipment. We all had things in common, but I always felt like I was closest with Evie out of the three of them.

One thing led to another and soon after you couldn't come to a pole class at Pure Studios without seeing the four of us together. We'd message each other in between classes and when someone was sick/couldn't make a week we'd send them photos of what we did in class and let them know we missed them. 

We started doing Hoop, Chair, and Burlesque classes together as well at Pure Studios. We did photoshoots together. We went out to eat together after class & went out drinking in Hereford. I invited them out for events like Halloween parties, Bon Fire Night, Birthdays, New Years. Evie and Rissa were there when I got my first tattoo!

 Once again, I fell HARD into the friendship trap. I was happy and vulnerable again.

I hung out the most with Evie so I considered her my 'best friend' out of the three, although I'm pretty sure I felt like she considered Rissa her bestie... even then. Anyway, I would hang out at Evie's house on weekends and sleep over at her place after a night out in Hereford. She'd come to visit me in Ross and we'd get pissed up and have sleepovers at my flat as well. She spent a few occasions just hanging out with hubby in our flat playing video games or watching TV, which in hindsight was kind of suspicious, but at the time, it was a 'she had slept over at ours and I had work the next day' thing. 

There were a couple of things like that, that in hind sight felt off about Evie...things that made me question(very dimly)why I was friends with her. One was her flirty very comfortable nature around my husband. Another was her lazy 'I can't' attitude when it came to Pure Studios- it would bug me that she would give up so easily, or not come to the studio and then blame the world that she wasn't progressing. She also had a scowl on her that could judge your ancestors it was so intense-and THAT was her resting face.

Anyway, the friendship 'break up' happened in 2016, after nearly 2 years. It started when the Circus/Carvinal was in Hereford and people were all a buzz in the studio about going into town after class to check it out. I had asked the girls if they wanted to meet up in town to check it out together. Rissa I think was getting her stuff out of the cubby(lockers where we put our stuff at Pole) at the time.. I think Dani said she had something to do and Evie gave the 'I'm tired, I think I'll just go home' spiel. 

Fair enough. Well, Rob and I still went out to the carnival and left the invitation open that if they wanted to come and join us they could. Rob and I were on our way back to the car, after we finished in town, when I spotted Evie and Rissa? (I honestly can't remember, it was 4 years ago and my panic attack blacked out the details but it was either Dani or Rissa with Evie) through a restaurant window, having dinner together. I Froze. What were they doing out? Did Evie lie to me about just wanting to go home? Did plans change after I had seen them? 

These are all normal saboteur thoughts that filter through my anxiety ridden brain, especially after the shit 'friends' I've had in the past. But the thing that stuck with me while my panic attack and spiral labyrinth of thoughts collapsed on top of me was the look of 'shame' when their eyes met mine, as if to say 'we've been caught'.  This wasn't an accident or a change of plans. From my perspective, they meant to exclude me... and I felt so hurt. I didn't know why this was happening....again!? This feeling of betrayal from those whom I thought were my besties. And once again I hit a low point with my depression.

In the end of THAT saga, it came to light (again, from me texting Evie and asking, "What did I do wrong?") that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore -- after 2 years of me thinking she was my best friend! How stupid am I. At least I got more of an answer from Evie than I did from Lyndsay, but it wasn't any less hurtful. I'm paraphrasing but the gist of it was that Evie didn't like me anymore, she didn't like some of the things I'd said in the past (but never said anything about it before at the time they were said), and basically just didn't want to be friends anymore or ever speak to me again. 

Evie blanked me after that and I left her alone because in the end it's what she wanted - to dissolve our friendship. I still spoke with Dani and Rissa in class. We were friendly towards one another but it was awkward after Evie and we didn't really talk about it, we just drifted apart. When the new, bigger studio opened I gravitated more towards Pole. Dani and Rissa kept more to the hoop side of things. We all took part in a few Burlesque classes still, so that was mostly the time when we were all together...and then Evie stopped coming to the studio all together after a while, probably to avoid me since it was increasingly awkward going to the same studio after everything that happened.

Dani and Rissa started doing doubles hoop for a while, but then even Dani dropped off the grid too.  I became a lone wolf again, 'pole hoping' in classes (hanging out with different people and not sticking to one group sharing the same pole lesson after lesson). I think I speak with Rissa the most on social media and exchange messages now. When I got into my car accident she checked in on me, and when I had my first pole competition she wished me luck, which was really nice. 

Over the years I've made other close friends at Pure Studios, but there's always that niggley little bit in the back of my brain that questions whether they are true friends or not. And in some instances I've seen acquaintances show their true colours when I don't fit their agenda, but I don't dwell on it or yearn for their approval anymore. When they stop caring, I stop caring and it's a mutual neutral studio-only interaction. 

That's not to say that I haven't made best friends at the studio. I allow myself to get close to people and open up to friendships/hanging out outside the studio (There are a few people whom I would consider close/really great friends from the studio and others are just mates), I just...won't ever be surprised if my heart gets ripped from my chest again. And if I get disappointed...it's just that. Disappointment and moving on; rather than the spiral of depression, drinking and dark thoughts that consume my restless mind. 

It's taking 2 incidents, 6 years of working through PTSD, too many depression spirals to count, some talking therapy/counselling, and a lot of self love and healing to get me to where I am today. I'm a friendly inclusive person who will be welcome to making friends, but I keep myself guarded on the down low and if anything or anyone disappoints me, I have this 'well fuck 'em' attitude because I've prepared for it. Almost everything I do, I do with the goal of 'I'll do it myself' in mind, because I've had too many bad experiences and when it comes right down to it, I know that I can count on myself. 

I love making friends. I love being with people. I'm an extroverted introvert. But I don't think I'll ever get rid of that saboteur voice in my head that says everyone will let me down and the only person I can rely on is me.