Friday, July 31, 2020

Those super insecure moments

So recently I've been going through a lot of up and down days with my depression/anxiety. 

I've never been diagnosed as being manic-depressive, but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe the past week. I had very low mood days, where I was insecure, lonely, and almost unable to function coupled with moments of high productivity, running around doing everything like a boss bitch, and back again. It started with an insecure moment I had with a Facebook friend last week and it only seemed to grow the more the week went on.

On a daily basis, even when I'm good at handling life, often times my anxiety takes over and I feel like 
Taken on a bad day, when I  retreated
upstairs to bed. Luckily the cat knew
and came to comfort me.

I'm a failure at life, 
I can't do anything right,
Nobody likes me. 

I know this is my inner sabator talking and I need to reassure myself.... 

I'm not failing at life-->I'm living. 

It's not that I can't do ANYTHING right-->I got up, got dressed, I'm a functioning human being so I did at least some things correctly today. 

And Saying NOBODY likes me is a bit overkill-->
at the very least I have a husband who loves me, a baby boy who will love me unconditionally, and in the words of Ru Paul "I'f you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen?"

Still, that aside, I can't help but feel down when I have 'friend interactions'. Certain interactions with people make me second guess where I fit into their world and if I'm accepted or just tolerated. And it's worse the closer I let myself get to people. That's why, based on my past track record, I take a very long time to warm up to people and very rarely do I let myself feel fully dependent upon friends in case I'm let down. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming dread that washes over me when I think someone whom I deeply care about, just DGAFs about me. 

It's sending someone a huge long text message, then only getting a 1-2 word reply. 

It's making plans with someone and feeling like the only idiot who's excited to hang out. 

It's seeing them with their other friends through social media posts and realizing "they never look this happy when we hang out" when every time you're super excited to be with them. 

It's seeing them hang out with a mutual friend and getting serious FOMO. 

It's feeling like they only talk to you when they need something. 

It's trying to make plans, and it keeps getting put on hold (without any particular reason just 'really busy this week, I'll get back to you later') and never following up. ...half a year later. Try again. 

It's the constant analyzing of expression: Is it resting bitch face? Are they tired? Stressed? Worried? Got a lot on their mind? Or do they just not like me?

All these little niggles, these sabotaging thoughts and feelings are a constant battle in my head that I have to shoo away like spiders with a blowtorch if I want to get anywhere in life. I need connections. I need people to be a part of my life and I get sad when I think about the connections with people I've made in the past, only to be wasted by someone deciding one day 'you know what..Nawwww, I'm out. Friendship done.'

I've been scorned by one too many people whom I've thought of as true friends. And now when I really connect with someone, I have a habit of building up walls faster than you can say 'friendship' because I fear I'll get speared through the heart with a javelin of betrayal, yet again. 

So I set my expectations low. If I don't build them up, then they can't let me down. Still, some days are harder than others. When I pour out my love for someone and they torch it like gasoline just to watch it burn: it hurts. 
Like unrequited love... only it's unrequited friendship that I fear the most. 

Something as tiny as a friend not messaging back can get me all worked up and make me spiral into a low mood if I let it. That coupled with over tiredness, looking after another human life, making big life decisions (we just got a loan to buy a second family car and we're trying to sort Nursery out at the moment), a global pandemic and just living day to day can get pretty overwhelming and sometimes I just snap.  And this week-I definitely snapped. 

Don't get my wrong, not every day was bad. I'm glad for the moments where I have good friends who are able to get me out of a slump for a little while. Not only is it great to be around people who genuinely seem to enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs, but it's a great distractions from the sabator whispering sinister thoughts in my ear. 

But, like all good things must come to an end, as soon as the interaction is over, and I'm back to being in my bubble alone with my thoughts, it can go one of two ways--I'm super low, or I'm super productive and there's no real way to detect which way the mood will swing.  

Most people only ever see the manic side of this. Super productive, super organized, getting stuff done, Crochet fiend, crafting extraordinaire, busy body, boss mom, friendly, outgoing, social butterfly Jennifer. In the main, that's because when I do have these super down days, I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything, I'm off social media, and I just either cry or sleep or cuddle my kitty to make me feel better. I mean, If I'm lucky, I get to sit in front of the TV(not crying) and binge watch TV to distract myself from the reality that I eventually have to get back to until I'm in a more functional mood. 

The picture above is from another bad day where I was just so exhausted, I face planted onto our new ottoman. I set up my camera to play with Henry cause he was doing something cute at the time. We played and I fained enthusiasm for so long, until he crawled away getting distracted by something else. I was on my knees, gathering up bits of toys in the living room and just sank my butt to my heels at some point. I remember being so tired that I didn't really want to pick up toys anymore and instead dropped the toys and just slumped forward and rested my body on to of the ottoman where we keep all his toys. 

Later, after Henry went to bed, I watched the video back, partially to see if there was any good footage to post on IG, and partially to see why it was SO LONG. I forgot that I had my phone camera still rolling and came across this little gem-so I screen grabbed it. Often times as mums on social media, the spotlight is always cast on the good, rather than the bad. So I thought I'd share this to let people see the other side of the coin--of momhood and of my depression. 

I'm feeling more myself, but I'm still under pressure with certain big life changes. I think it might be time for a mom stay-cation. (a "mom stay at home vacation": 24 hrs of uninterrupted me time to rest and recuperate). 


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