My Mental Health vs. A Global Pandemic

This lock down has got me feeling some type of way so lets talk about mental health....

Let me start by saying that the current state of the world has got people showing signs of mental health issues who didn't think they suffered before. It has also brought out the worst in people with existing conditions, or have them exhibiting new behaviors/ticks/feelings. There are SO many people suffering all over the world physically and mentally, and I know that my story is just small potatoes in comparison to the global suffering.

That being said, the longer lock down goes on, the worse my mental state is. I find that I have more low mood days now, which is understandable given everything that is going on, but I feel like it's too much for me some days. If it builds up enough I get angry and tearful and I have to wait, sometimes hours for Rob to get home from work or a run so I can finally hide away and cry it out of my system so I can carry on taking care of Henry day to day.

I get sad about the state of the world. I get concerned for my safety, my family's safety & the safety of my friends. I get worried what will happen if Rob or I bring something home to each other or Mush because we didn't take every precaution. I get overprotective of my mum who's self isolated, when she was such a social person before. I get angry when people take the lock down lightly and continue to go out like nothing is wrong. I get upset because the more idiots decide to risk it, the higher the risk of the infection rate going up which will means we stay in lock down longer and I (and many other people I know) have to suffer with heightened depression and anxiety.

I watched the Drag Race reunion show today, which normally would be prerecorded in studio earlier this week. They did it via Video chat because as it was said on the show... "It DO take Nerve to Flatten the Curve". Nerve to stay home and beat this virus. 

Even though our government allows us going out multiple times a day for exercise, I rarely exercise (pun intended) that right. If I want to exercise, I can do yoga at home. I'd rather stay safe, at home, in my own little bubble and take extra precautions. It almost feels a little OTT the precautions I've taken (sanitizing and wiping down outside door fixings & bins on trash collection days, washing hands immediately after touching envelopes or packages, wearing gloves/mask when I have to go into a supermarket/pharmacy for supplies, etc), but someone had to remind me that those are relatively normal reactions for right now.

As well as my postpartum & pandemic induced depression, my anxiety is off the charts to the point where my medication is barely touching the surface. It seems like every time I think I'm in a good rhythm the past few years, something life changing comes in and smacks me in the face. My dad getting sick, harassment and bullying at work, having a baby, and now a global pandemic.

This was me on one of my bad days. I had to lay
down outside, cry it out & watch kpop music videos
to cheer myself up. Hubby snuck a photo of me.

I've noticed old ticks that I had pretty much under control creeping back into my life. Example, when I feel super anxious, I start fiddling my fingers--the most destructive behavior is picking at spots/scabs/imperfections on my skin (mostly my cuticles/fingernails). I have this thing about having my skin/hair be 'perfect' and it started in my childhood that I would get upset over a stray wisp of hair being out of place. In the teenage acne years I would hate spots/scabs/abrasions and would pick my skin raw, until the spot was perfectly smooth, and then cover the red with makeup so it looked like perfect smooth skin. 

Through CBT and medication, I thought i had those ticks under control, or at least i would recognize when I started to pick and would force myself to stop. With the pandemic, I've noticed this behavior not only starting again, but it's gotten worse. I've absentmindedly started doing this everywhere...not just the cuticles on my hands, but on my feet which is new. The thing that scares me is that I've started projecting this on to my son.

Henry's had a bad flair up of eczema(more on that later), and I've noticed myself itching to pick at his scabs/flaking skin/etc. It really didn't help that I gave myself permission to do it to some extent- the fibers from his clothes would get stuck in his wounds and I would pick at his abrasions to get the little fibers unstuck so the wound wouldn't heal over trapping them inside and risk it getting more infected. I'm fully justified in doing so, but i'm also really ashamed of myself at the same time.

I think, "should I have a consultation with my doctor to get on a higher dosage?", but then again, one of my anxieties is inconveniencing people and with everything going on right now, I don't think me suffering a little bit more than normal is worth bugging NHS staff.

I just wish people will stop being stupid. Stop going out with friends. Stop going to the beach. Stop putting yourself and others at risk for one afternoon of selfish behavior. And just because restrictions are being eased doesn't mean you HAVE to exercise your right to do something. Use your head, let common sense flood you and realize that we are in a state of survival. If you don't HAVE to do something, then don't do it people. You may want to do something....you may have the right to do so....but is it necessary?